I am astounded at how fast my grandchildren are growing up. When we were all together at Thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years, it was amazing to see them interact. Even though I work with preschoolers on a weekly basis, my grand'babies' are the most amazing, intelligent, and loving children I know! I love them so much...and miss the day to day growth points of new language learning, cognitive 'ah-has', dramatic play, (and believe me, they are Dramatic!) and physical coordination development. Plus, I miss their loving hugs! O hugged the computer yesterday, giving 'me' a hug.....sniff, sniff.
Fortunately, in this day and age, we have Skype. Today I played 'go-fish' with Oliver over Skype. My dear Caryn helped hold 'my' hand of cards and keep the game organized. O is like the proverbial little sponge as he learns. He didn't always recognize the numerals on the cards, but could count the objects on each card to know how many were there and at the end, figured out that I had won because I had more 'books'. Amazing for a 4 1/2 year old, compared to the kids I work with in special education.
I am so proud of my children and grandchildren! My children have made beautiful lives of their own. I know they struggle with their inner and outer challenges, but if they could see themselves from my perspective, they would be proud of their accomplishments and daily lives. They are down-to-earth, have common sense, and yet are very intellectual, politically savvy, and continue to strive toward being good parents and citizens here on earth and in preparation for their heavenly home. I wonder if they really know how much I love them....and miss them?
Which symbolically moves me to consider how much more God longs to have me with him, more than I long to be with my family and feel their hugs. All I can do is ask for His forgiveness for my conscious and unconscious wandering away from Him, my Creator and Guide. My Creator, who gave his life for me and gave me my children and grandchildren; who waits patiently for me to love Him back. Am I growing Up?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Word(s) to Live By
Listening to KLOVE radio a year ago, I heard them discussing New Year's resolutions and that many were choosing a 'word' to focus on for the new year. After considering this, I looked for a word, too. What I came up with was "Accountability". Now, at first, my main focus was for financial accountability as I had 'upside down finances'. A year later, I am doing better in that regard, so that focus did help me. But focusing on the word 'accountability' became much more than 'financial accountability'. I realized it also meant living my life without regrets, living to account for every precious moment. I almost considered taking that word again this year, but then reasoned that a new word would add some new dimension to my life and perhaps even to the definition of 'accountability'.
This New Year, I was anxious about many things and suddenly 'my word' came to me: Reassurance. On first thought, this was mainly to focus me on being reassuring to my dad and not trying to 'help' or 'fix' him when obviously he does not want to be helped or fixed. I am a 'helper' at heart and it is hard for me to step back and let others figure out how to help themselves.
As it turns out, I need reassurance in many aspects of my own life. At work, I need reassurance from letting anxiety and stress overwhelm me. Personally I need reassurance that my social life (or lack thereof) is Okay and can be teaching me something, or just allowing me to renew. Financially, reassurance can allow me to take a deep breath to deal with the next bill. Spiritually, I began to wake up singing "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine." I do believe He put that in my mind to reassure me He is with me for each moment of the day.
And yes, I'm learning to respond, not only to my dad, but to others with more 'reassurance' and less sarcasm, argument or condemnation. Believe me, I am only beginning this process.
We're all stressed and anxious in a million different ways. Jesus is my Reassurance and He holds me accountable....He's yours, too!
This New Year, I was anxious about many things and suddenly 'my word' came to me: Reassurance. On first thought, this was mainly to focus me on being reassuring to my dad and not trying to 'help' or 'fix' him when obviously he does not want to be helped or fixed. I am a 'helper' at heart and it is hard for me to step back and let others figure out how to help themselves.
As it turns out, I need reassurance in many aspects of my own life. At work, I need reassurance from letting anxiety and stress overwhelm me. Personally I need reassurance that my social life (or lack thereof) is Okay and can be teaching me something, or just allowing me to renew. Financially, reassurance can allow me to take a deep breath to deal with the next bill. Spiritually, I began to wake up singing "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine." I do believe He put that in my mind to reassure me He is with me for each moment of the day.
And yes, I'm learning to respond, not only to my dad, but to others with more 'reassurance' and less sarcasm, argument or condemnation. Believe me, I am only beginning this process.
We're all stressed and anxious in a million different ways. Jesus is my Reassurance and He holds me accountable....He's yours, too!
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Walking to School
Today was reminiscent of walking to school when I was young. (Yeah, I admit it. I've reached 'old'.) One of the preschool sites I serve as an early childhood special educator is about 3/4 of a mile from my house, so I decided to walk today. As I walked along the residential streets, my mind wandered back to all those many, many days that I walked to school...more than a mile away, I'm sure. I walked in all kinds of weather: freezing cold, to sunny, hot days. I always carried books in high school and 'junior high'..as we called it then. I've been trying to remember if I ever carried any kind of a book bag, but I don't think I did. I think I carried a handbag along. Sometimes I walked with friend/s part or all of the way. My mind wandered as it must have when I was a child observing traffic, people, butterflies, birds and life, along the way.
Today I carried a backpack which I attempted to lighten as much as possible, but still carried my lunch, notebook, schedule book,and water bottles, with personal items tucked inside. I wore my walking shoes, and carried a pair of sandals in the back pack, too, thinking I would change when I arrived...but I forgot to change shoes, so that was a bit of extra weight I didn't need to carry. I also wore a light jean jacket this morning, as it was about 60 sunny degrees. This afternoon, I did not need the jacket, as the temperature had climbed into the 80+. In the shade it was wonderful for walking; but a bit hot in the sun, carrying, what I consider at this point in my life, a Heavy back pack. (Obviously I do no back pack hiking!) The back pack put a strain on my neck and upper back (yeah, all you techies will probably say it wasn't ergonomically set!), but the walk was relatively short. No harm done and now I'm home, knowing that I've already walked 40 minutes today, in two 20-minute sessions. A really painless way to get my exercise! 'Back then,' it was just a necessary mode of travel. There were no carpools, as most families had one car and the breadwinner of the family used that to get back and forth to work...10-12 hour days.
You might say that times have changed, and yet they are the same.
Today I carried a backpack which I attempted to lighten as much as possible, but still carried my lunch, notebook, schedule book,and water bottles, with personal items tucked inside. I wore my walking shoes, and carried a pair of sandals in the back pack, too, thinking I would change when I arrived...but I forgot to change shoes, so that was a bit of extra weight I didn't need to carry. I also wore a light jean jacket this morning, as it was about 60 sunny degrees. This afternoon, I did not need the jacket, as the temperature had climbed into the 80+. In the shade it was wonderful for walking; but a bit hot in the sun, carrying, what I consider at this point in my life, a Heavy back pack. (Obviously I do no back pack hiking!) The back pack put a strain on my neck and upper back (yeah, all you techies will probably say it wasn't ergonomically set!), but the walk was relatively short. No harm done and now I'm home, knowing that I've already walked 40 minutes today, in two 20-minute sessions. A really painless way to get my exercise! 'Back then,' it was just a necessary mode of travel. There were no carpools, as most families had one car and the breadwinner of the family used that to get back and forth to work...10-12 hour days.
You might say that times have changed, and yet they are the same.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Back in the Day
I accompanied dad around town today and had lunch with him. His stories ramble from one to the other and I'm never sure which 'era' he is talking about, but a couple of stories stood out for me.
1. He fed circus elephants water, carrying heavy buckets to them as they were chained by opposite front and back feet to huge stakes. Working for the circus was rewarded with a limited free ticket. He and his friends didn't know it was limited, so they complained to their uncles standing with the sheriff that evening at the circus. Because the circus owner was the man at the 'throw-a-baseball-at-the-milk-bottle' booth, the men got together, had a local one-armed baseball 'hero' knock all three bottles over, thereby pressuring the owner to let the boys in to All the circus. It worked. He also related that he and other boys helped put up the big 3-ring circus tent (I'm not sure exactly what job they did.) The men would have the ropes and poles on the outside and elephants held up the center poles on the inside as the tents were erected. Those were the days....1930's, Cherokee, OK.
2. Another of his stories of CO is how he used to walk with his friends from 12th and Orchard Ave to Appleton (5-10 miles), where there was a dance hall. Now I don't know, but I think this was when he was in high school and before he went to the army.
3. During WWII,1944-46?, he deciphered Morse code while in the Air Force as the company clerk. Not sure where he did this. Could have been USA.
4. He related how he had to tie a handkerchief over his mouth and nose to walk home from school in the dust bowl days of OK and still got a mouth full of dirt/sand.
5, He told how he missed a lot of school when he was in the 4th or 5th grade. As he looks back on it, he thinks he may have had rheumatic fever. His art teacher brought him colored pencils and a tablet which kept him busy drawing...he is a good artist, just never pursued it...superfluous in his 'work to provide' mentality. He also had a good singing voice on the rare times he joined us singing songs on car trips. He probably could have pursued a music degree. He definitely enjoyed and still talks about how he liked playing the drums in the marching band (probably 8th, 9th grade) in OK. He didn't want to follow the rules of the band teacher here in CO, so dropped out of band....typical behavioral response for him throughout his life. He doesn't get along, so tells people off and then cuts them out of his life.
6. When he was 17 yrs or so, he went on a short (not more than a couple weeks) cattle drive here in the mountains of CO to town. I'll have to ask again to get the names of the places. This story brought up the fact that before his family left OK, they lived on a farm and he had a pony that he rode with 3 of his brothers, cages of homing pigeons (which his sister accidentally let escape and they never returned...rather funny for homing pigeons, I think), dogs, cats, 2 white rat pets. His family had chickens for eggs and ones they butchered for Sunday dinners. Once, he forgot one of his pet white rats was in his pocket when he went to a 'picture show' and it jumped down the blouse of a girl-friend.
7.They had 'taffy pulling' parties and his older sister Nelle made the best taffy! (I remember that aunt coming twice to our home when I was growing up and involving us in making her taffy.
8.Nelle was the sibling assigned to look after him while his mom supervised her 6 other children, did church work and helped run the farm. He's the youngest and came several years after the others.
These are stories that keep being retold, so I think they left major life-impressions. Whether they are all TRUE is left to your own imagination. Since I've heard these stories for many years, I imagine the core of them is true at least.
1. He fed circus elephants water, carrying heavy buckets to them as they were chained by opposite front and back feet to huge stakes. Working for the circus was rewarded with a limited free ticket. He and his friends didn't know it was limited, so they complained to their uncles standing with the sheriff that evening at the circus. Because the circus owner was the man at the 'throw-a-baseball-at-the-milk-bottle' booth, the men got together, had a local one-armed baseball 'hero' knock all three bottles over, thereby pressuring the owner to let the boys in to All the circus. It worked. He also related that he and other boys helped put up the big 3-ring circus tent (I'm not sure exactly what job they did.) The men would have the ropes and poles on the outside and elephants held up the center poles on the inside as the tents were erected. Those were the days....1930's, Cherokee, OK.
2. Another of his stories of CO is how he used to walk with his friends from 12th and Orchard Ave to Appleton (5-10 miles), where there was a dance hall. Now I don't know, but I think this was when he was in high school and before he went to the army.
3. During WWII,1944-46?, he deciphered Morse code while in the Air Force as the company clerk. Not sure where he did this. Could have been USA.
4. He related how he had to tie a handkerchief over his mouth and nose to walk home from school in the dust bowl days of OK and still got a mouth full of dirt/sand.
5, He told how he missed a lot of school when he was in the 4th or 5th grade. As he looks back on it, he thinks he may have had rheumatic fever. His art teacher brought him colored pencils and a tablet which kept him busy drawing...he is a good artist, just never pursued it...superfluous in his 'work to provide' mentality. He also had a good singing voice on the rare times he joined us singing songs on car trips. He probably could have pursued a music degree. He definitely enjoyed and still talks about how he liked playing the drums in the marching band (probably 8th, 9th grade) in OK. He didn't want to follow the rules of the band teacher here in CO, so dropped out of band....typical behavioral response for him throughout his life. He doesn't get along, so tells people off and then cuts them out of his life.
6. When he was 17 yrs or so, he went on a short (not more than a couple weeks) cattle drive here in the mountains of CO to town. I'll have to ask again to get the names of the places. This story brought up the fact that before his family left OK, they lived on a farm and he had a pony that he rode with 3 of his brothers, cages of homing pigeons (which his sister accidentally let escape and they never returned...rather funny for homing pigeons, I think), dogs, cats, 2 white rat pets. His family had chickens for eggs and ones they butchered for Sunday dinners. Once, he forgot one of his pet white rats was in his pocket when he went to a 'picture show' and it jumped down the blouse of a girl-friend.
7.They had 'taffy pulling' parties and his older sister Nelle made the best taffy! (I remember that aunt coming twice to our home when I was growing up and involving us in making her taffy.
8.Nelle was the sibling assigned to look after him while his mom supervised her 6 other children, did church work and helped run the farm. He's the youngest and came several years after the others.
These are stories that keep being retold, so I think they left major life-impressions. Whether they are all TRUE is left to your own imagination. Since I've heard these stories for many years, I imagine the core of them is true at least.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Dry Waller
I've met this interesting person who is not my 'type' at all. Perhaps that's why he is interesting. He owns his own construction business (has for 33 yrs) and is fixing my bathroom from the swamp cooler fiasco. He is very calm and low key, even Lilo came out of her hiding place and let him pet her, then just went to her usual resting spots while we visited. He is quite a conversationalist and seems quite genuine. Hasn't used foul language. He likes to hunt and fish, has a gun collection, has 2-3 special cars he shows, has lived/traveled all over the US, including fishing in Alaska near Homer...a favorite spot of his. He likes 4-wheeling, has a big cab 4X4 diesel Ford pickup, has a dog and a cat. He says he's played hard, worked hard and really does okay financially from all the things he tells me about. He basically gutted the house he lives in now and remodeled it inside and out. Says he's done this wherever he's lived. He doesn't like to rent and showed me lots of construction errors and 'cover-ups' in my place....does make me want to move out before the place falls apart! He knows his work, I can tell. He's been divorced twice, and still has occasional contact with his 2nd wife, evidently. He's been divorced from the 2nd wife 5 years. He says he doesn't go out much anymore because he doesn't like to do stuff by himself. And he's getting older and its harder to move when he gets up in the mornings! He says he just sits home and watches TV a lot. I think it sounds like he works most of the time. He says that's basically why he and his 2nd ex split. He worked to provide for her and she didn't want to be married anymore. I don't think he has any children.
He described his house to me in glowing terms; he's proud of his work. He has hardwood floors, big kitchen, loves to grill, so he hooked his gas grill up to the gas that is in the house. He even told me he has some special washer/dryer set from New Zealand (Fisher..something) that uses less water, dries faster and only takes a screwdriver to fix. He has a gas fireplace, leather furniture with fabric seats decorated with caribou, bear and fish...he laughed about that as it wasn't his first choice. He usually likes plain leather furniture. He said he only has a couch set and a small table, minimal number of dishes and doesn't use the dish washer except to wash the filters in his hot tub. He painted the walls of his home with that faux texture to look like the walls were covered with leather. Put in french doors to his patio, has a 3 car garage, finished inside, for his show cars. He has a long, wide cement driveway that he had to fight with the city over replacing a part of the city's sidewalk. He puts a blade on his 4-wheeler to get rid of the snow in winter. He has one friend with whom he's helping remodel his house and goes out to dinner a couple nights a week with him.
Yes, we covered a lot of 'territory' in our conversations. This is the 2nd conversation I've had with him and he seems like the same nice person each time. No agendas, no bologna. We must have visited for 2 hours or more after he finished dry walling the bathroom today. I think he's a few years younger than I am, but not many.
He invited me to come make arrowheads..oh, yeah, he's into making them and collecting rocks. He told me where he lives. He is interested in seeing my dad's guns...I think he might want to buy them, but I'm sure dad would enjoy showing them off.
Oh, and he's not bad looking...'course, I haven't seen him without his baseball cap (longer gray hair sticks out) or the blue tooth phone stuck in his ear!
Just sayin'....interesting conversation to put a bright spot in my day.
He described his house to me in glowing terms; he's proud of his work. He has hardwood floors, big kitchen, loves to grill, so he hooked his gas grill up to the gas that is in the house. He even told me he has some special washer/dryer set from New Zealand (Fisher..something) that uses less water, dries faster and only takes a screwdriver to fix. He has a gas fireplace, leather furniture with fabric seats decorated with caribou, bear and fish...he laughed about that as it wasn't his first choice. He usually likes plain leather furniture. He said he only has a couch set and a small table, minimal number of dishes and doesn't use the dish washer except to wash the filters in his hot tub. He painted the walls of his home with that faux texture to look like the walls were covered with leather. Put in french doors to his patio, has a 3 car garage, finished inside, for his show cars. He has a long, wide cement driveway that he had to fight with the city over replacing a part of the city's sidewalk. He puts a blade on his 4-wheeler to get rid of the snow in winter. He has one friend with whom he's helping remodel his house and goes out to dinner a couple nights a week with him.
Yes, we covered a lot of 'territory' in our conversations. This is the 2nd conversation I've had with him and he seems like the same nice person each time. No agendas, no bologna. We must have visited for 2 hours or more after he finished dry walling the bathroom today. I think he's a few years younger than I am, but not many.
He invited me to come make arrowheads..oh, yeah, he's into making them and collecting rocks. He told me where he lives. He is interested in seeing my dad's guns...I think he might want to buy them, but I'm sure dad would enjoy showing them off.
Oh, and he's not bad looking...'course, I haven't seen him without his baseball cap (longer gray hair sticks out) or the blue tooth phone stuck in his ear!
Just sayin'....interesting conversation to put a bright spot in my day.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Social Dreams
Our Sabbath School (SS) class had a planned picnic after church today. I was very excited about doing something social for a change. As I've said before, I'm needing some social input on a regular basis. I thought this opportunity would be a good one for me. Then yesterday afternoon, a woman I'd met recently at work called to invite me to a showing of Art Quilts with a social justice theme at the Art Center here in town. So I took her up on it.I was really too excited (and anxious) with my planned adventures!
I went to SS and church, then headed to the park for the picnic.The picnic was okay, but I had very few conversations with people and felt uncomfortable (out of my comfort zone for sure!) It was HARD WORK and I didn't feel very much like a part of the group, but I'm not giving up at this point. It was a beginning.
I left the picnic in time to meet my work-friend at the Art Center. It was awesome. There was a film about making Art Quilts(vs. traditional quilts) and several quilters talked about the processes they used in making their art quilts and how their research led them to try different themes. The theme of the quilts on display today was atrocities to women during war and other times. It was powerful. I thought a lot about my sister's art and her expressions for peace and social justice. I had this wild idea that it would be wonderful for her and I to have an exhibition on some theme: her art and perhaps my making some art quilts! Wild thoughts are what dreams are made of, are they not?
This art experience gave me motivation to try art quilting! I haven't felt that creative motivation for a long, long time. I liked the Art Center. I wanted to be a part of it. I'm going to get more involved, even if it is just to go view the new exhibits on the "free first Friday" of each month!
Thank you, God, for this day!
I went to SS and church, then headed to the park for the picnic.The picnic was okay, but I had very few conversations with people and felt uncomfortable (out of my comfort zone for sure!) It was HARD WORK and I didn't feel very much like a part of the group, but I'm not giving up at this point. It was a beginning.
I left the picnic in time to meet my work-friend at the Art Center. It was awesome. There was a film about making Art Quilts(vs. traditional quilts) and several quilters talked about the processes they used in making their art quilts and how their research led them to try different themes. The theme of the quilts on display today was atrocities to women during war and other times. It was powerful. I thought a lot about my sister's art and her expressions for peace and social justice. I had this wild idea that it would be wonderful for her and I to have an exhibition on some theme: her art and perhaps my making some art quilts! Wild thoughts are what dreams are made of, are they not?
This art experience gave me motivation to try art quilting! I haven't felt that creative motivation for a long, long time. I liked the Art Center. I wanted to be a part of it. I'm going to get more involved, even if it is just to go view the new exhibits on the "free first Friday" of each month!
Thank you, God, for this day!
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Getting into Summer
I've been off work now for a week and I set up my patio with flowers, etc., made my house even more cluttered and dirty in the process of rearranging and cleaning it and overspent my budget. I've slept in, taken long naps and sat out on the patio enjoying the sunshine. What I've accomplished could simply be stated as R&R.
Friday, I noticed my swamp cooler leaking (have I told you how much I detest those things?...see previous posts) and then part of the bathroom ceiling gave way. Extra cleaning to be done when that is fixed!
But now a week has gone by and I'm feeling that the transition into summer has taken place. I'm ready to finish the projects that lay about and chart my summer vacation.
In reflecting on this past year of work and living, I've admitted to myself openly that what I lack is a social life. I need a circle of friends here. Friendship hunger. I've always thought of myself as a loner, but this is getting too much. Dad is no companion; he's like dragging a toddler around, but much less fun..and his conversation is worse than a toddler's whine!!!! My aunt/cousins haven't spoken much since I moved out of the condo. That's a relationship I feel I need to open again, but I keep putting it off. Basically I'm a chicken when it comes to confrontation. I have begun to go to church and SS more regularly and made myself attend pot luck last week. A few people introduced themselves. I'm sorry I won't remember their names! I'd like a social group for mild hiking and exploring the area, but everyone is so 'fit' here, I feel like a slug to their vitality.
That brings me to another 'stuck place' topic...my overweight-ness and lack of physical exercise. I know, I know, I know! what I SHOULD be doing; but I don't. Somewhere inside is something against moving forward to 'be' the person on the outside that I imagine myself to be on the inside. Sigh. If I had better health insurance, I'd go to a counselor that deals with social/weight issues.
I have settled in here more this year. I've gotten used to the dry, sunny weather and enjoy the warm evenings of June. I know July will be firecracker hot, but I am savoring this weather for now. I'll have a bit of a break from it on my vacation.
I'm also considering that soon it may be a good idea for dad and I to move into the same place, so he feels less lonely and I don't have to run to his place several times a week to 'answer his calls.' I'm thinking that if we rented a larger house, I could have an area all my own and allow him that, too. It might work. By splitting the rent, we could afford it.
This transition time into summer is a good space from which to count my blessings and air out my soul. Of course, I miss my family dearly and am glad that within the next six months we'll be together a couple of times! I'm also grateful to have my job for another year, my health is holding steady, my kitty is doing well and my car is still running smoothly. God, air, water, food, shelter, family, friends, and pet companions.
And I want more?
Friday, I noticed my swamp cooler leaking (have I told you how much I detest those things?...see previous posts) and then part of the bathroom ceiling gave way. Extra cleaning to be done when that is fixed!
But now a week has gone by and I'm feeling that the transition into summer has taken place. I'm ready to finish the projects that lay about and chart my summer vacation.
In reflecting on this past year of work and living, I've admitted to myself openly that what I lack is a social life. I need a circle of friends here. Friendship hunger. I've always thought of myself as a loner, but this is getting too much. Dad is no companion; he's like dragging a toddler around, but much less fun..and his conversation is worse than a toddler's whine!!!! My aunt/cousins haven't spoken much since I moved out of the condo. That's a relationship I feel I need to open again, but I keep putting it off. Basically I'm a chicken when it comes to confrontation. I have begun to go to church and SS more regularly and made myself attend pot luck last week. A few people introduced themselves. I'm sorry I won't remember their names! I'd like a social group for mild hiking and exploring the area, but everyone is so 'fit' here, I feel like a slug to their vitality.
That brings me to another 'stuck place' topic...my overweight-ness and lack of physical exercise. I know, I know, I know! what I SHOULD be doing; but I don't. Somewhere inside is something against moving forward to 'be' the person on the outside that I imagine myself to be on the inside. Sigh. If I had better health insurance, I'd go to a counselor that deals with social/weight issues.
I have settled in here more this year. I've gotten used to the dry, sunny weather and enjoy the warm evenings of June. I know July will be firecracker hot, but I am savoring this weather for now. I'll have a bit of a break from it on my vacation.
I'm also considering that soon it may be a good idea for dad and I to move into the same place, so he feels less lonely and I don't have to run to his place several times a week to 'answer his calls.' I'm thinking that if we rented a larger house, I could have an area all my own and allow him that, too. It might work. By splitting the rent, we could afford it.
This transition time into summer is a good space from which to count my blessings and air out my soul. Of course, I miss my family dearly and am glad that within the next six months we'll be together a couple of times! I'm also grateful to have my job for another year, my health is holding steady, my kitty is doing well and my car is still running smoothly. God, air, water, food, shelter, family, friends, and pet companions.
And I want more?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Blame Your Parents
Right now I'm thinking 'life sucks' and why am I always stepping on toes, lately, getting myself into trouble with my colleagues and supervisor? With all the budget cuts, I wouldn't be surprised if they gave me the 'pink slip'. Even using too much colored ink gets me in trouble.You'd think at age 60+ it would get easier, but it doesn't.Communication is still a problem for me.
Can I still blame my parents?
I still let my kids blame me.
Hear that kids?
Can I still blame my parents?
I still let my kids blame me.
Hear that kids?
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Tennessee Christmas
I was blessed to spend time with my TN family over the holiday. They are a very busy,talkative family and a direct opposite of what I'm used to at home, where I live a solitary, quiet existence outside of work. It was, as one person put it, 'the best kind of tired.' My early morning flights went off without any hitches (despite the fact we had to turn around and retrieve my coat, which in 60 degree weather, I had forgotten).Aaand my suitcase has finally arrived! Whew!
I was really tired after my arrival home yesterday and had a tremendous sinus headache, but this morning my headache is gone, Lilo kitty is still staying within touching distance...if I don't pet her often, she reaches out a paw to touch me. After being around petite Ti-Ti for two weeks, my Lilo seems very big and heavy!
Below are just a few of the pictures of my wonderful trip which included doing a craft with my El each day before Christmas, wrapping presents, shopping and shopping and shopping, going to see zoo lights by night, returning to the zoo during the day to watch Little Miss ice skate and see the animals, playing in the leaves, napping, helping make/clean up wonderful meals and treats all engineered and produced by my daughter(in-law), playing Rock Band with them, having 'movie nights,' hearing my son play the piano and sing at church, seeing my daughter(in-law) teach a wonderful Sabbath school for the birth to three year olds (even if E was the only one there on Christmas Day!)watching El enjoy 'green wrappers,' open all her presents and listen to her intelligent, enlightening chatter. She sang song after song and even made up her own verses. Takes after her parents with her musical ability! I enjoyed hearing her say, "It's my fav'rit!" whenever anything interesting, new, exciting, or wanted was discussed, seen, or tried. It's great being a grandparent!
I also, for the first time, saw live flamingos and a red cardinal. God gives us such artistic beauty in large and small ways!
this is what happens after you blow into a bowl of flour!
Oh, and if I ever hear Goofy singing "White Christmas" again, it will be too soon! :D
I was really tired after my arrival home yesterday and had a tremendous sinus headache, but this morning my headache is gone, Lilo kitty is still staying within touching distance...if I don't pet her often, she reaches out a paw to touch me. After being around petite Ti-Ti for two weeks, my Lilo seems very big and heavy!
Below are just a few of the pictures of my wonderful trip which included doing a craft with my El each day before Christmas, wrapping presents, shopping and shopping and shopping, going to see zoo lights by night, returning to the zoo during the day to watch Little Miss ice skate and see the animals, playing in the leaves, napping, helping make/clean up wonderful meals and treats all engineered and produced by my daughter(in-law), playing Rock Band with them, having 'movie nights,' hearing my son play the piano and sing at church, seeing my daughter(in-law) teach a wonderful Sabbath school for the birth to three year olds (even if E was the only one there on Christmas Day!)watching El enjoy 'green wrappers,' open all her presents and listen to her intelligent, enlightening chatter. She sang song after song and even made up her own verses. Takes after her parents with her musical ability! I enjoyed hearing her say, "It's my fav'rit!" whenever anything interesting, new, exciting, or wanted was discussed, seen, or tried. It's great being a grandparent!
I also, for the first time, saw live flamingos and a red cardinal. God gives us such artistic beauty in large and small ways!
this is what happens after you blow into a bowl of flour!
Oh, and if I ever hear Goofy singing "White Christmas" again, it will be too soon! :D
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Parades
When I was little, my dad was enthralled with parades and would drag us to each and every parade that came by our area. If we couldn't be there he would grab the movie camera and make sure there was a home movie of it to watch. And he would Make us watch it! Whenever a football game paused for half-time entertainment (in those days it was all bands..and on black and white TV)we had to stop whatever we were doing and watch...even my mom)...for he screamed and yelled, you see.
I like a good parade with music and well done floats. I even participated in my small town's local yearly parade when I was a senior in high school, working with our local chapter of Internat'l Order of Rainbow for Girls. As I've gotten older, I've enjoyed the Portland Rose Parade, Portland Starlight Parade, and laughed and enjoyed smaller parades when I lived in OH.
Now I'm in CO and live in a medium sized town with parades. They had one on the 4th of July which I did not attend because of the HEAT, but last night I attended their Christmas Light Parade. People started saving their spots at 2 p.m...the parade was 5 p.m. and by the time I got there at 3:30, people had chairs lined up 2 rows deep and had started to settle in for the evening. By the time the parade started, people were 5-6 rows deep for 7 blocks. I'm supposing a lot of people came because the weather was good, people needed free events since the economy is bad, and it was something for the kids.
It never ceases to amaze me what people will decorate so they can participate in a parade. I expected some really nice stuff considering all the kinds of lights and the technology available...even here.
In my opinion, however, it turned out to be an advertisement of the businesses in the area and of the police and fire departments, blaring their horns and sirens enough to cause one's ears to ring. About every 5 vehicles was a fire truck or ER vehicle with lights on it. At least half of them had lights that looked like the lights were just slapped on. ATV's had their decorations and there was one horse pulled wagon. The floats pulling lots of people on board were pulled by 18 wheeler cabs. I was surprised there were not more horses in the parade. What's a western parade without horses? Maybe some of you horse aficionados can tell me why...like the horses wouldn't do well at night with all the blinking lights, or something. there was only one horse drawn carriage.
I'm not sure what the exact theme of the parade was, but it had something to do with 'Candyland', as each float was about the same...a gingerbread house, or 'peppermint forest'. And although there is a very special candy factory here, I did not see them represented. There were marching bands from the 3 high schools in the area and a couple of middle school bands who played from their places on 18 wheeler flat-beds. I was told there were 100 floats, but I think there were about 65 or so. At #54 we pretty much had enough and our feet were aching, so we headed toward a bagel/coffee shop 3 blocks away. By the time we got there the parade was over and people dispersed.
Here are some pictures of the event.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Foolish Questions?
1. Will I ever be debt free?
2. How long will I keep my house picked up/clean since it is okay after company left?
3. Will the 30 minutes I walked today be repeated this week?
4. Will the 1/4 c. 5 grain cereal covered with fresh-frozen blueberries and soy milk counteract the 4 cinnamon rolls I ate?
2. How long will I keep my house picked up/clean since it is okay after company left?
3. Will the 30 minutes I walked today be repeated this week?
4. Will the 1/4 c. 5 grain cereal covered with fresh-frozen blueberries and soy milk counteract the 4 cinnamon rolls I ate?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Reflections on Company and Sharing.
I haven't had overnight company for a long time; and this last week, my friend B was able to come stay with me through Thanksgiving. We enjoyed our time together. It's easy to be with her because she does her own thing. We enjoy just being in the same room together, visiting. Since I don't have TV right now, she brought her computer, and we would each be using our computers, or one reading, doing crosswords, computer games, etc., while the other did what she wanted. It's companionship; nothing heavy, and yet deep and comforting.
I'd forgotten what it was like to have another person in the house; to be aware of another's wants and needs. I've forgotten what it was like to think of the other person FIRST and be considerate. When I got a snack, I'd forget to ask B if she'd like me to get her a snack, for example. I've come to live a selfish life and I really am lonely for companionship. What a sad way of living.
She was also very valuable in giving me a lesson on patience and a more objective look at dad. She thinks we argue so much because we are too much alike! The worst thing that could ever be for me. I think my dad is disgusting and creepy. B thinks he is just a tottering, grumpy old man. She did get tired of his 'stories.'
We had fun traveling around looking at the sights. I took her along Rim Rock Drive in the Colorado National Monument and it was sunny with storms approaching which made the sky full of unique patterns of sun and clouds. I took her with me to one of my schools for an afternoon; took her to my office. While I was busy at work, she read and took walks in the neighborhoods, enjoying the sunshine and cool (bordering Cold) weather.
Thursday we cooked Thanksgiving dinner and she was in charge of the turkey. We laughed as she started baking it too late to be done for our 2 p.m. dinner, as she was playing on her computer which had the PDT rather than MDT on it. So we had dinner in courses (marvelously her term!), with all the side dishes first, turkey with more mashed potatoes and gravy next, and then dessert! Jokes were made about the 'vegetarian' dinner...as I tried to make everything vegan or or least vegetarian!And then we ended up eating the 'vegetarian' part of the meal first!
She and dad enjoyed the turkey; she pulled the leftovers apart and is taking some home and I'm giving the rest to dad. She froze it, so it will be fine. Then, as is her custom, she cooked the carcass, pulled bits of meat off it, added those to the broth from the cook carcass and chopped in some vegetables and pasta to make a wonderfully smelling turkey noodle soup. The broth and all made two quarts. I'll give it to my neighbor and to dad. We each added a bit of our own histories to the dinner. Sharing.
Friday we skipped the 'black Friday shopping' and drove across Grand Mesa where the sun sparkled on the foot or so of snow beside the road. There were only a few snowy spots on the road. We stopped to take pictures and look at the magnificent views. We came down the other side of the mountain to Cedaredge where we ate lunch at the Apple Shed, looked at the local art for sale. I took her briefly through Delta, up to my 'growing up' neighborhood and house, told her about my dad and his brothers having the lumber company and showed her where I went to grade school. Then we drove up to Montrose and to the Ute Museum. It was open, so we got to look at the Native American paraphernalia. We briefly stopped at Target to pick up more coffee (B is quite the coffee addict and drank up all I had on hand) and then drove home through the desert at dusk, arriving home in time to eat dinner made of yummy Thanksgiving leftovers. All total, we drove 190 miles Friday.
I had a wonderful time enjoying Colorado beauty with my friend. She is truly forgiving and truthful and laughs a lot. I needed that. I miss having my friends close by. I miss having my kids and grandkids close by. I think I've gotten buried in dad's negative attitude though I try so hard to shake if off. It colors everything I do and having B here helped dispel a lot of it like fresh cool air in my face.
I'm really tired, another side effect of having others in my house, but it was so worth it. Thank you, B, for putting up with my selfishness and forgetfulness. You are a true friend.
I'd forgotten what it was like to have another person in the house; to be aware of another's wants and needs. I've forgotten what it was like to think of the other person FIRST and be considerate. When I got a snack, I'd forget to ask B if she'd like me to get her a snack, for example. I've come to live a selfish life and I really am lonely for companionship. What a sad way of living.
She was also very valuable in giving me a lesson on patience and a more objective look at dad. She thinks we argue so much because we are too much alike! The worst thing that could ever be for me. I think my dad is disgusting and creepy. B thinks he is just a tottering, grumpy old man. She did get tired of his 'stories.'
We had fun traveling around looking at the sights. I took her along Rim Rock Drive in the Colorado National Monument and it was sunny with storms approaching which made the sky full of unique patterns of sun and clouds. I took her with me to one of my schools for an afternoon; took her to my office. While I was busy at work, she read and took walks in the neighborhoods, enjoying the sunshine and cool (bordering Cold) weather.
Thursday we cooked Thanksgiving dinner and she was in charge of the turkey. We laughed as she started baking it too late to be done for our 2 p.m. dinner, as she was playing on her computer which had the PDT rather than MDT on it. So we had dinner in courses (marvelously her term!), with all the side dishes first, turkey with more mashed potatoes and gravy next, and then dessert! Jokes were made about the 'vegetarian' dinner...as I tried to make everything vegan or or least vegetarian!And then we ended up eating the 'vegetarian' part of the meal first!
She and dad enjoyed the turkey; she pulled the leftovers apart and is taking some home and I'm giving the rest to dad. She froze it, so it will be fine. Then, as is her custom, she cooked the carcass, pulled bits of meat off it, added those to the broth from the cook carcass and chopped in some vegetables and pasta to make a wonderfully smelling turkey noodle soup. The broth and all made two quarts. I'll give it to my neighbor and to dad. We each added a bit of our own histories to the dinner. Sharing.
Friday we skipped the 'black Friday shopping' and drove across Grand Mesa where the sun sparkled on the foot or so of snow beside the road. There were only a few snowy spots on the road. We stopped to take pictures and look at the magnificent views. We came down the other side of the mountain to Cedaredge where we ate lunch at the Apple Shed, looked at the local art for sale. I took her briefly through Delta, up to my 'growing up' neighborhood and house, told her about my dad and his brothers having the lumber company and showed her where I went to grade school. Then we drove up to Montrose and to the Ute Museum. It was open, so we got to look at the Native American paraphernalia. We briefly stopped at Target to pick up more coffee (B is quite the coffee addict and drank up all I had on hand) and then drove home through the desert at dusk, arriving home in time to eat dinner made of yummy Thanksgiving leftovers. All total, we drove 190 miles Friday.
I had a wonderful time enjoying Colorado beauty with my friend. She is truly forgiving and truthful and laughs a lot. I needed that. I miss having my friends close by. I miss having my kids and grandkids close by. I think I've gotten buried in dad's negative attitude though I try so hard to shake if off. It colors everything I do and having B here helped dispel a lot of it like fresh cool air in my face.
I'm really tired, another side effect of having others in my house, but it was so worth it. Thank you, B, for putting up with my selfishness and forgetfulness. You are a true friend.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
An Old Story
Years ago, when I worked in another state, one of our secretaries, a vibrant, beautiful young woman, fell in love with one of the other workers, a handsome, charismatic young man. They made a cute couple; I can't remember if they got married, but they moved in together and were expecting a child. My family offered them some furniture we could to without. I really hoped this young woman had found true happiness for her life. I'm always looking for a 'Cinderella' story!
Awhile later (remember this is an old story and my memory for time lines is diminishing), they separated and the man was the first person in that state to be imprisoned for intentionally passing on HIV...to several women.
Needless to say, this young woman died of Aids before her daughter entered kindergarten. I wonder about that young girl now; where is she, what is she doing, is she well?
What brought this up, you ask? I was watching NCIS about a similar case. Only my experience wasn't on TV. It was Real Life. It was Tragic.
Awhile later (remember this is an old story and my memory for time lines is diminishing), they separated and the man was the first person in that state to be imprisoned for intentionally passing on HIV...to several women.
Needless to say, this young woman died of Aids before her daughter entered kindergarten. I wonder about that young girl now; where is she, what is she doing, is she well?
What brought this up, you ask? I was watching NCIS about a similar case. Only my experience wasn't on TV. It was Real Life. It was Tragic.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Miserable
Upon checking, the humidity in River city is 78%, while here in GJ it is 63%, but I have never felt so miserable. The temperature is higher and the only cooler on most buildings is a Swamp Cooler! Are they nuts?!?!? Yes, resounding yes!!!! Some lucky homes have HVAC, but when you rent cheap....maybe I should be thankful? for the swamp cooler. It just doesn't do any good. It's even more moist inside my house than outside. Any more and it could be raining in here, I think.
I never remember there being a "Monsoon" season when I lived here before. Is this a weather pattern that has changed? Weird.
And as to miserable:
No money, consequently no gas in car to go anywhere.
No socialization..have no close friends, only acquaintances here.
No calls from friends, either.
Could do a project at home but I'm stuck at spots where I need money for supplies
SO feeling sorry for myself and hate getting old and frumpy.
And to end on positives:
I could call a friend
I could do a home project such as cleaning that doesn't take money
I did go for a walk..and took a shower afterward. Then applied wonderfully scented bath powder. At least my perspiration smells good.
I never remember there being a "Monsoon" season when I lived here before. Is this a weather pattern that has changed? Weird.
And as to miserable:
No money, consequently no gas in car to go anywhere.
No socialization..have no close friends, only acquaintances here.
No calls from friends, either.
Could do a project at home but I'm stuck at spots where I need money for supplies
SO feeling sorry for myself and hate getting old and frumpy.
And to end on positives:
I could call a friend
I could do a home project such as cleaning that doesn't take money
I did go for a walk..and took a shower afterward. Then applied wonderfully scented bath powder. At least my perspiration smells good.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Yes, he's Disgusting!!!!!
So, today dad and I are talking on the phone and he said he told his pedicurist (yah, he can't bend over to do his own toe nails)that he'd pay me $10 for every pound I lost. He TOLD his PEDICURIST this!!!!!!! I told him he was rude to talk about my weight to her or anyone else. I also told him he should worry about taking care of himself, not me. After attempting to ignore a few more of his comments, I hung up. OOOOOHHHHH. Sometimes I HATE him. Too strong for you? Deal with it.
Yes, yesterday he mentioned my weight and told me that he'd pay me for losing weight. I poo-pooed him then and tried to let it roll off like water on a duck's back. Now?
Talk about bribery. And as I think back, that's exactly what he did when he wanted me to get 'A's on my report card. Only it was only $.50/A back then. I used to think it was because he was proud of me. Not now. Now I realize that he's worried about what other people in his little world might think about him. He has such 'little man' syndrome. And such an over swollen ego. And he calls Me selfish.
Okay, I've vented.
Later in the evening: he's also berating me about my finances. He goes on and on and on because I won't share my financial situation with him. We must be hitting the peak of the abuse cycle.
Yes, yesterday he mentioned my weight and told me that he'd pay me for losing weight. I poo-pooed him then and tried to let it roll off like water on a duck's back. Now?
Talk about bribery. And as I think back, that's exactly what he did when he wanted me to get 'A's on my report card. Only it was only $.50/A back then. I used to think it was because he was proud of me. Not now. Now I realize that he's worried about what other people in his little world might think about him. He has such 'little man' syndrome. And such an over swollen ego. And he calls Me selfish.
Okay, I've vented.
Later in the evening: he's also berating me about my finances. He goes on and on and on because I won't share my financial situation with him. We must be hitting the peak of the abuse cycle.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Poor Me.
I'm bored. Depressed. Why?, I ask myself. I have several things I need to do: Numero Uno: sort bills, pay what I can. I'm really in the worst financial corner I've been in for a long time.
#2 Clean patio and re-do/finish a flower bed. Decide what to do with sunburned plants. I thought this patio would be heavenly, but there is a fair wind blowing most all the time and all the crap (shedding bark, seed balls, leaves, sticks, etc.) get wind tossed into my patio. It's very discouraging. I can't just walk out there and sit without cleaning off table and chairs (and yes, I cover them!) I'd buy a patio cover and go to a nursery to buy soil, plants and decor, but I have no money...see first thing I need to do.
#3 I found all my frames to make a photo collage of the family to put on my dining room wall, but I have no money to get correct sized prints to hang. AND, I have to figure out how order pictures from the ones online that are recent.
#4 I could clean house some more and it needs it, but I'm tired of cleaning house. As I well know by this time of my life, I can clean until my hands are raw and my back aches and my house will still need to be cleaned somewhere!
I hate calling people I work with to see if they'd like to get together. They all have their own lives with families and established friends close at hand. I'm tired of being with dad, though he has 'molded' to my boundaries most of the time. He's 'dad'. Not a friend.
I'm tired of being FAT, yes, FAT: on the border of OBESE!!!! I carry most of my weight in my gut, which is a heart attack waiting to happen, I understand. It also makes me look 5 months pregnant; which is very discouraging at my age. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window and I'm appalled. I look worse than old, I look OLD and FAT and OUT OF SHAPE! I've been faithfully exercising for a week and now my knees ache again. I still have tingly numbness in my left thigh which doesn't seem to change with/without exercise. I think it must have something to do with a partially pinched nerve in my back? I feel like I'll never get the extra weight off and I KNOW it's not good for me. At high altitudes I have trouble breathing, and I'm sure my extra weight doesn't help.
I want to be active, get things done, lose weight, but guess I don't have enough motivation as I do little about it. It seems that unless I have specific deadlines and lots of accountability (like a job),I don't get much done. How can I change to have self-motivation, anyway?
I guess its a family thing. ADHD,learning disabilities,depression, etc., all run in the family. Some days I feel like I have all of them together. Can I blame heredity? I'm really searching here!
I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't budget and control my finances...look how old I am?! I cheated myself out of a trip to TN that I was really looking forward to, just because I got carried away on my trip to the NW. (Hit forehead) What WAS I Thinking? I wasn't, obviously. I have bad 'impulse buying' issues. But, I see my dad has those too. Maybe I "learned" it from him. (Heredity, again?)
I'm really feeling sorry for myself. I'd go up in the mountains, but it is not safe to hike alone, especially here. Cougars, bears and other people with guns. Besides, I don't have the money to buy a park permit so I could actually park my car to hike....money issues again.(At least I can't blame heredity.) When I age to 62 years, the permit goes from $80 to $10. Amazing, huh? One perk in being a senior.
Guess that's all I can complain about for now. It's even cooled off to rain a bit.
#2 Clean patio and re-do/finish a flower bed. Decide what to do with sunburned plants. I thought this patio would be heavenly, but there is a fair wind blowing most all the time and all the crap (shedding bark, seed balls, leaves, sticks, etc.) get wind tossed into my patio. It's very discouraging. I can't just walk out there and sit without cleaning off table and chairs (and yes, I cover them!) I'd buy a patio cover and go to a nursery to buy soil, plants and decor, but I have no money...see first thing I need to do.
#3 I found all my frames to make a photo collage of the family to put on my dining room wall, but I have no money to get correct sized prints to hang. AND, I have to figure out how order pictures from the ones online that are recent.
#4 I could clean house some more and it needs it, but I'm tired of cleaning house. As I well know by this time of my life, I can clean until my hands are raw and my back aches and my house will still need to be cleaned somewhere!
I hate calling people I work with to see if they'd like to get together. They all have their own lives with families and established friends close at hand. I'm tired of being with dad, though he has 'molded' to my boundaries most of the time. He's 'dad'. Not a friend.
I'm tired of being FAT, yes, FAT: on the border of OBESE!!!! I carry most of my weight in my gut, which is a heart attack waiting to happen, I understand. It also makes me look 5 months pregnant; which is very discouraging at my age. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window and I'm appalled. I look worse than old, I look OLD and FAT and OUT OF SHAPE! I've been faithfully exercising for a week and now my knees ache again. I still have tingly numbness in my left thigh which doesn't seem to change with/without exercise. I think it must have something to do with a partially pinched nerve in my back? I feel like I'll never get the extra weight off and I KNOW it's not good for me. At high altitudes I have trouble breathing, and I'm sure my extra weight doesn't help.
I want to be active, get things done, lose weight, but guess I don't have enough motivation as I do little about it. It seems that unless I have specific deadlines and lots of accountability (like a job),I don't get much done. How can I change to have self-motivation, anyway?
I guess its a family thing. ADHD,learning disabilities,depression, etc., all run in the family. Some days I feel like I have all of them together. Can I blame heredity? I'm really searching here!
I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't budget and control my finances...look how old I am?! I cheated myself out of a trip to TN that I was really looking forward to, just because I got carried away on my trip to the NW. (Hit forehead) What WAS I Thinking? I wasn't, obviously. I have bad 'impulse buying' issues. But, I see my dad has those too. Maybe I "learned" it from him. (Heredity, again?)
I'm really feeling sorry for myself. I'd go up in the mountains, but it is not safe to hike alone, especially here. Cougars, bears and other people with guns. Besides, I don't have the money to buy a park permit so I could actually park my car to hike....money issues again.(At least I can't blame heredity.) When I age to 62 years, the permit goes from $80 to $10. Amazing, huh? One perk in being a senior.
Guess that's all I can complain about for now. It's even cooled off to rain a bit.
Friday, July 23, 2010
If
For awhile, in college, I contemplated studying theology. I looked at the few girls doing that and decided they were just too 'weird'. Stupid reasoning, admitted. I wonder what would have happened had I chosen this path. Would I have given up on the church all together? Would I have been a 'pioneer' in women's ordination or some other cause? Teaching is my talent, but it could have gone a lot of directions. What is your talent? What direction will it take you/has it taken you?
Monday, July 12, 2010
Summer
It's been awhile since I've blogged, but I've had lots of little experiences I thought would make for good fodder. However, they usually disappear from my memory unless I write them down within a few hours, so here's some triteness.
I spent a good portion of June in my beloved Pacific NW visiting friends and family. It was a good emotional and mental shot in the arm. I came back ready to take on dad again and with some ways to set good boundaries with him.
I enjoyed (and got worn out by) spending a few days with my grandson! He is growing so fast. And while I am extremely delighted to have spent time with him, I have deep sorrow that I, once again, did not manage my funds well enough to go visit my granddaughter who is also growing so fast and has changed from baby to little girl. I want to visit and support my TN family, too, but they seem so far away!
I pray for all of them that God will bless and protect them.
Tuesday:
I have been over to Dad's twice today when he needed help. Once, he wanted me to help put the fitted sheets on his bed and the other time help him put some bar chairs together that he'd had re-upholstered. He spent probably $75-$100 dollars on the two chairs at a second-hand store, then had them reupholstered for another $80 in a fabric that doesn't match the rest of his furniture at all. Then he couldn't get them back together because he didn't have the strength or perception to get the screws in the correct spot, straight and tight. It's sad when I have more ability than he does to do those things. He still thinks of me as the 10 year old helping him do home projects. Thankfully he doesn't cuss me out since I've set boundaries with him and he allows me to use the tools when he is tired or stumped or both. He has mellowed and understands his limits...sometimes.
I finally told him he needs to just get what he needs and not worry about trying to save a dollar because he's spending twice as much as new things would have cost. He did the same thing with the drapes he put up. He bought drapes from JCP, then had them customized for his windows by someone 'he knew,' ending up paying twice as much as if he'd bought customized drapes in the first place. He also had to pay someone to come hang them and then 'because it wasn't right,' had a friend come over and re-hang them. I keep reminding him that he isn't saving any money, as 'thrifty' as he thinks he is.
I'm going to also have to tell him that when school starts, I'm not going to be able to pop in and out to help him. We need to set up a schedule. I've already got one drafted. We'll see how it works. I haven't presented it to him yet. Timing is everything.
The next week...
This week I've gone to two doctors' appointments with dad. I've found that going with him to these appointments is necessary. Because he does not hear well, has very limited concentration and his reasoning memory is getting more compromised daily I need to be with him to help him keep things straightened out, to 'translate' and 'interpret' what the doctor tells him, and to reiterate information to him.
Yesterday, he actually told me he appreciated me doing that. He also made a side bar comment that maybe he shouldn't be driving...and let me drive him around town for his errands. I've gotten to know parts of the VA hospital. I shudder to think about how I would not have been able to do this a few years ago, but now, it seems the right thing to do.
I'm glad I'll be going back to work soon, to 'release' me from the daily drop-ins, but know that I will need to set up specific times to help him out. I'm glad for the job I have that will allow me to do that a little.
I desperately need to develop some friendships here to counteract the dad-ism and caregiver role. Besides looking for a care giver's support group, FRIENDS! I pray daily to God to give me some kindred spirit friends and neighbors here.
I spent a good portion of June in my beloved Pacific NW visiting friends and family. It was a good emotional and mental shot in the arm. I came back ready to take on dad again and with some ways to set good boundaries with him.
I enjoyed (and got worn out by) spending a few days with my grandson! He is growing so fast. And while I am extremely delighted to have spent time with him, I have deep sorrow that I, once again, did not manage my funds well enough to go visit my granddaughter who is also growing so fast and has changed from baby to little girl. I want to visit and support my TN family, too, but they seem so far away!
I pray for all of them that God will bless and protect them.
Tuesday:
I have been over to Dad's twice today when he needed help. Once, he wanted me to help put the fitted sheets on his bed and the other time help him put some bar chairs together that he'd had re-upholstered. He spent probably $75-$100 dollars on the two chairs at a second-hand store, then had them reupholstered for another $80 in a fabric that doesn't match the rest of his furniture at all. Then he couldn't get them back together because he didn't have the strength or perception to get the screws in the correct spot, straight and tight. It's sad when I have more ability than he does to do those things. He still thinks of me as the 10 year old helping him do home projects. Thankfully he doesn't cuss me out since I've set boundaries with him and he allows me to use the tools when he is tired or stumped or both. He has mellowed and understands his limits...sometimes.
I finally told him he needs to just get what he needs and not worry about trying to save a dollar because he's spending twice as much as new things would have cost. He did the same thing with the drapes he put up. He bought drapes from JCP, then had them customized for his windows by someone 'he knew,' ending up paying twice as much as if he'd bought customized drapes in the first place. He also had to pay someone to come hang them and then 'because it wasn't right,' had a friend come over and re-hang them. I keep reminding him that he isn't saving any money, as 'thrifty' as he thinks he is.
I'm going to also have to tell him that when school starts, I'm not going to be able to pop in and out to help him. We need to set up a schedule. I've already got one drafted. We'll see how it works. I haven't presented it to him yet. Timing is everything.
The next week...
This week I've gone to two doctors' appointments with dad. I've found that going with him to these appointments is necessary. Because he does not hear well, has very limited concentration and his reasoning memory is getting more compromised daily I need to be with him to help him keep things straightened out, to 'translate' and 'interpret' what the doctor tells him, and to reiterate information to him.
Yesterday, he actually told me he appreciated me doing that. He also made a side bar comment that maybe he shouldn't be driving...and let me drive him around town for his errands. I've gotten to know parts of the VA hospital. I shudder to think about how I would not have been able to do this a few years ago, but now, it seems the right thing to do.
I'm glad I'll be going back to work soon, to 'release' me from the daily drop-ins, but know that I will need to set up specific times to help him out. I'm glad for the job I have that will allow me to do that a little.
I desperately need to develop some friendships here to counteract the dad-ism and caregiver role. Besides looking for a care giver's support group, FRIENDS! I pray daily to God to give me some kindred spirit friends and neighbors here.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Mother's Day
I wonder if my children, in all their struggles, are really happy they were born?
One really has no choice whether s/he is born or not. It is always up to the adults' rational or irrational raging hormones and thought processes. And then after one is born, the environment may or may not be one full of opportunities for positive growth and learning about love, respect, commitment, real joy, fulfillment, etc.
Yet, I believe that even if some or many of those influences on one tiny life are negative, one can grow to become a positive, healthy individual. And I've seen the greatest miracle of all, besides giving birth, is that of a heart changed by God.
I know that I'm full of wonderment and thankfulness that my children were born into my life. Only God could have known what I needed. They have shown me joy, been my teachers and completely added new dimensions of understanding to me personally about unconditional love, myself and the world around me. Without them, I would be so incomplete. I take this time to thank God for all he continues to bless me with and teach me through the eyes of my children.
That grandchildren have been added to my heart is a wonderful reawakening of the joy of life from a wide-open innocent view. Thank you, God, for grandchildren, too. Bonding with grandchildren are moments mighty and reverent.
Sometimes I've questioned why would I be born into this world, or why others have been born into such wretchedness, killed by evil? There are no answers, only that I am here, now. What I decide to do with each moment is the open choice God gives me.
I've severely disappointed and disrespected Him with many of my choices. I pray forgiveness and stand again to face each moment with perseverance and inner joy, knowing I am loved and that I do matter in His scheme of eternity. He will sustain me.
One really has no choice whether s/he is born or not. It is always up to the adults' rational or irrational raging hormones and thought processes. And then after one is born, the environment may or may not be one full of opportunities for positive growth and learning about love, respect, commitment, real joy, fulfillment, etc.
Yet, I believe that even if some or many of those influences on one tiny life are negative, one can grow to become a positive, healthy individual. And I've seen the greatest miracle of all, besides giving birth, is that of a heart changed by God.
I know that I'm full of wonderment and thankfulness that my children were born into my life. Only God could have known what I needed. They have shown me joy, been my teachers and completely added new dimensions of understanding to me personally about unconditional love, myself and the world around me. Without them, I would be so incomplete. I take this time to thank God for all he continues to bless me with and teach me through the eyes of my children.
That grandchildren have been added to my heart is a wonderful reawakening of the joy of life from a wide-open innocent view. Thank you, God, for grandchildren, too. Bonding with grandchildren are moments mighty and reverent.
Sometimes I've questioned why would I be born into this world, or why others have been born into such wretchedness, killed by evil? There are no answers, only that I am here, now. What I decide to do with each moment is the open choice God gives me.
I've severely disappointed and disrespected Him with many of my choices. I pray forgiveness and stand again to face each moment with perseverance and inner joy, knowing I am loved and that I do matter in His scheme of eternity. He will sustain me.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Roller Coaster feelings
Today I gloried in the green silhouettes of trees and trees full of either pink or white blossoms, a rich green topcoat of desert spring 'grass' and these bright colors magnifying the red, gray and yellow rock. All this framed by a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds. The lilacs are even beginning to blossom, while tulips and daffodils are still blooming. Its a different spring here, but finally the colors rival (if only briefly) those of the PNW!
Went to OT to see about my epichondylitis. My rt. arm and wrist are back in a splint and I'm not supposed to use it.. I have at least 15 reports to do on the computer and have to play with kids in the classroom. Ugh. I'm so glad there are only 27 days of school left! I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
Just typing this much makes my arm hurt. Of course, Mary, if you read this, I shouldn't complain considering what you've recently gone through!
Went to OT to see about my epichondylitis. My rt. arm and wrist are back in a splint and I'm not supposed to use it.. I have at least 15 reports to do on the computer and have to play with kids in the classroom. Ugh. I'm so glad there are only 27 days of school left! I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
Just typing this much makes my arm hurt. Of course, Mary, if you read this, I shouldn't complain considering what you've recently gone through!
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