Getting into Summer

I've been off work now for a week and I set up my patio with flowers, etc., made my house even more cluttered and dirty in the process of rearranging and cleaning it and overspent my budget. I've slept in, taken long naps and sat out on the patio enjoying the sunshine. What I've accomplished could simply be stated as R&R.

Friday, I noticed my swamp cooler leaking (have I told you how much I detest those things?...see previous posts) and then part of the bathroom ceiling gave way. Extra cleaning to be done when that is fixed!

But now a week has gone by and I'm feeling that the transition into summer has taken place. I'm ready to finish the projects that lay about and chart my summer vacation.

In reflecting on this past year of work and living, I've admitted to myself openly that what I lack is a social life. I need a circle of friends here. Friendship hunger. I've always thought of myself as a loner, but this is getting too much. Dad is no companion; he's like dragging a toddler around, but much less fun..and his conversation is worse than a toddler's whine!!!! My aunt/cousins haven't spoken much since I moved out of the condo. That's a relationship I feel I need to open again, but I keep putting it off. Basically I'm a chicken when it comes to confrontation. I have begun to go to church and SS more regularly and made myself attend pot luck last week. A few people introduced themselves. I'm sorry I won't remember their names! I'd like a social group for mild hiking and exploring the area, but everyone is so 'fit' here, I feel like a slug to their vitality.

That brings me to another 'stuck place' topic...my overweight-ness and lack of physical exercise. I know, I know, I know! what I SHOULD be doing; but I don't. Somewhere inside is something against moving forward to 'be' the person on the outside that I imagine myself to be on the inside. Sigh. If I had better health insurance, I'd go to a counselor that deals with social/weight issues.

I have settled in here more this year. I've gotten used to the dry, sunny weather and enjoy the warm evenings of June. I know July will be firecracker hot, but I am savoring this weather for now. I'll have a bit of a break from it on my vacation.

I'm also considering that soon it may be a good idea for dad and I to move into the same place, so he feels less lonely and I don't have to run to his place several times a week to 'answer his calls.' I'm thinking that if we rented a larger house, I could have an area all my own and allow him that, too. It might work. By splitting the rent, we could afford it.

This transition time into summer is a good space from which to count my blessings and air out my soul. Of course, I miss my family dearly and am glad that within the next six months we'll be together a couple of times! I'm also grateful to have my job for another year, my health is holding steady, my kitty is doing well and my car is still running smoothly. God, air, water, food, shelter, family, friends, and pet companions.

And I want more?

Blame Your Parents

Right now I'm thinking 'life sucks' and why am I always stepping on toes, lately, getting myself into trouble with my colleagues and supervisor? With all the budget cuts, I wouldn't be surprised if they gave me the 'pink slip'. Even using too much colored ink gets me in trouble.You'd think at age 60+ it would get easier, but it doesn't.Communication is still a problem for me.

Can I still blame my parents?
I still let my kids blame me.
Hear that kids?

Tennessee Christmas

I was blessed to spend time with my TN family over the holiday. They are a very busy,talkative family and a direct opposite of what I'm used to at home, where I live a solitary, quiet existence outside of work. It was, as one person put it, 'the best kind of tired.' My early morning flights went off without any hitches (despite the fact we had to turn around and retrieve my coat, which in 60 degree weather, I had forgotten).Aaand my suitcase has finally arrived! Whew!

I was really tired after my arrival home yesterday and had a tremendous sinus headache, but this morning my headache is gone, Lilo kitty is still staying within touching distance...if I don't pet her often, she reaches out a paw to touch me. After being around petite Ti-Ti for two weeks, my Lilo seems very big and heavy!

Below are just a few of the pictures of my wonderful trip which included doing a craft with my El each day before Christmas, wrapping presents, shopping and shopping and shopping, going to see zoo lights by night, returning to the zoo during the day to watch Little Miss ice skate and see the animals, playing in the leaves, napping, helping make/clean up wonderful meals and treats all engineered and produced by my daughter(in-law), playing Rock Band with them, having 'movie nights,' hearing my son play the piano and sing at church, seeing my daughter(in-law) teach a wonderful Sabbath school for the birth to three year olds (even if E was the only one there on Christmas Day!)watching El enjoy 'green wrappers,' open all her presents and listen to her intelligent, enlightening chatter. She sang song after song and even made up her own verses. Takes after her parents with her musical ability! I enjoyed hearing her say, "It's my fav'rit!" whenever anything interesting, new, exciting, or wanted was discussed, seen, or tried. It's great being a grandparent!

I also, for the first time, saw live flamingos and a red cardinal. God gives us such artistic beauty in large and small ways!















this is what happens after you blow into a bowl of flour!


Oh, and if I ever hear Goofy singing "White Christmas" again, it will be too soon! :D

Parades

When I was little, my dad was enthralled with parades and would drag us to each and every parade that came by our area. If we couldn't be there he would grab the movie camera and make sure there was a home movie of it to watch. And he would Make us watch it! Whenever a football game paused for half-time entertainment (in those days it was all bands..and on black and white TV)we had to stop whatever we were doing and watch...even my mom)...for he screamed and yelled, you see.


I like a good parade with music and well done floats. I even participated in my small town's local yearly parade when I was a senior in high school, working with our local chapter of Internat'l Order of Rainbow for Girls. As I've gotten older, I've enjoyed the Portland Rose Parade, Portland Starlight Parade, and laughed and enjoyed smaller parades when I lived in OH.

Now I'm in CO and live in a medium sized town with parades. They had one on the 4th of July which I did not attend because of the HEAT, but last night I attended their Christmas Light Parade. People started saving their spots at 2 p.m...the parade was 5 p.m. and by the time I got there at 3:30, people had chairs lined up 2 rows deep and had started to settle in for the evening. By the time the parade started, people were 5-6 rows deep for 7 blocks. I'm supposing a lot of people came because the weather was good, people needed free events since the economy is bad, and it was something for the kids.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will decorate so they can participate in a parade. I expected some really nice stuff considering all the kinds of lights and the technology available...even here.

In my opinion, however, it turned out to be an advertisement of the businesses in the area and of the police and fire departments, blaring their horns and sirens enough to cause one's ears to ring. About every 5 vehicles was a fire truck or ER vehicle with lights on it. At least half of them had lights that looked like the lights were just slapped on. ATV's had their decorations and there was one horse pulled wagon. The floats pulling lots of people on board were pulled by 18 wheeler cabs. I was surprised there were not more horses in the parade. What's a western parade without horses? Maybe some of you horse aficionados can tell me why...like the horses wouldn't do well at night with all the blinking lights, or something. there was only one horse drawn carriage.

I'm not sure what the exact theme of the parade was, but it had something to do with 'Candyland', as each float was about the same...a gingerbread house, or 'peppermint forest'. And although there is a very special candy factory here, I did not see them represented. There were marching bands from the 3 high schools in the area and a couple of middle school bands who played from their places on 18 wheeler flat-beds. I was told there were 100 floats, but I think there were about 65 or so. At #54 we pretty much had enough and our feet were aching, so we headed toward a bagel/coffee shop 3 blocks away. By the time we got there the parade was over and people dispersed.

Here are some pictures of the event.

Foolish Questions?

1. Will I ever be debt free?
2. How long will I keep my house picked up/clean since it is okay after company left?
3. Will the 30 minutes I walked today be repeated this week?
4. Will the 1/4 c. 5 grain cereal covered with fresh-frozen blueberries and soy milk counteract the 4 cinnamon rolls I ate?

Reflections on Company and Sharing.

I haven't had overnight company for a long time; and this last week, my friend B was able to come stay with me through Thanksgiving. We enjoyed our time together. It's easy to be with her because she does her own thing. We enjoy just being in the same room together, visiting. Since I don't have TV right now, she brought her computer, and we would each be using our computers, or one reading, doing crosswords, computer games, etc., while the other did what she wanted. It's companionship; nothing heavy, and yet deep and comforting.

I'd forgotten what it was like to have another person in the house; to be aware of another's wants and needs. I've forgotten what it was like to think of the other person FIRST and be considerate. When I got a snack, I'd forget to ask B if she'd like me to get her a snack, for example. I've come to live a selfish life and I really am lonely for companionship. What a sad way of living.

She was also very valuable in giving me a lesson on patience and a more objective look at dad. She thinks we argue so much because we are too much alike! The worst thing that could ever be for me. I think my dad is disgusting and creepy. B thinks he is just a tottering, grumpy old man. She did get tired of his 'stories.'

We had fun traveling around looking at the sights. I took her along Rim Rock Drive in the Colorado National Monument and it was sunny with storms approaching which made the sky full of unique patterns of sun and clouds. I took her with me to one of my schools for an afternoon; took her to my office. While I was busy at work, she read and took walks in the neighborhoods, enjoying the sunshine and cool (bordering Cold) weather.

Thursday we cooked Thanksgiving dinner and she was in charge of the turkey. We laughed as she started baking it too late to be done for our 2 p.m. dinner, as she was playing on her computer which had the PDT rather than MDT on it. So we had dinner in courses (marvelously her term!), with all the side dishes first, turkey with more mashed potatoes and gravy next, and then dessert! Jokes were made about the 'vegetarian' dinner...as I tried to make everything vegan or or least vegetarian!And then we ended up eating the 'vegetarian' part of the meal first!

She and dad enjoyed the turkey; she pulled the leftovers apart and is taking some home and I'm giving the rest to dad. She froze it, so it will be fine. Then, as is her custom, she cooked the carcass, pulled bits of meat off it, added those to the broth from the cook carcass and chopped in some vegetables and pasta to make a wonderfully smelling turkey noodle soup. The broth and all made two quarts. I'll give it to my neighbor and to dad. We each added a bit of our own histories to the dinner. Sharing.

Friday we skipped the 'black Friday shopping' and drove across Grand Mesa where the sun sparkled on the foot or so of snow beside the road. There were only a few snowy spots on the road. We stopped to take pictures and look at the magnificent views. We came down the other side of the mountain to Cedaredge where we ate lunch at the Apple Shed, looked at the local art for sale. I took her briefly through Delta, up to my 'growing up' neighborhood and house, told her about my dad and his brothers having the lumber company and showed her where I went to grade school. Then we drove up to Montrose and to the Ute Museum. It was open, so we got to look at the Native American paraphernalia. We briefly stopped at Target to pick up more coffee (B is quite the coffee addict and drank up all I had on hand) and then drove home through the desert at dusk, arriving home in time to eat dinner made of yummy Thanksgiving leftovers. All total, we drove 190 miles Friday.

I had a wonderful time enjoying Colorado beauty with my friend. She is truly forgiving and truthful and laughs a lot. I needed that. I miss having my friends close by. I miss having my kids and grandkids close by. I think I've gotten buried in dad's negative attitude though I try so hard to shake if off. It colors everything I do and having B here helped dispel a lot of it like fresh cool air in my face.

I'm really tired, another side effect of having others in my house, but it was so worth it. Thank you, B, for putting up with my selfishness and forgetfulness. You are a true friend.

An Old Story

Years ago, when I worked in another state, one of our secretaries, a vibrant, beautiful young woman, fell in love with one of the other workers, a handsome, charismatic young man. They made a cute couple; I can't remember if they got married, but they moved in together and were expecting a child. My family offered them some furniture we could to without. I really hoped this young woman had found true happiness for her life. I'm always looking for a 'Cinderella' story!

Awhile later (remember this is an old story and my memory for time lines is diminishing), they separated and the man was the first person in that state to be imprisoned for intentionally passing on HIV...to several women.

Needless to say, this young woman died of Aids before her daughter entered kindergarten. I wonder about that young girl now; where is she, what is she doing, is she well?

What brought this up, you ask? I was watching NCIS about a similar case. Only my experience wasn't on TV. It was Real Life. It was Tragic.

Miserable

Upon checking, the humidity in River city is 78%, while here in GJ it is 63%, but I have never felt so miserable. The temperature is higher and the only cooler on most buildings is a Swamp Cooler! Are they nuts?!?!? Yes, resounding yes!!!! Some lucky homes have HVAC, but when you rent cheap....maybe I should be thankful? for the swamp cooler. It just doesn't do any good. It's even more moist inside my house than outside. Any more and it could be raining in here, I think.

I never remember there being a "Monsoon" season when I lived here before. Is this a weather pattern that has changed? Weird.

And as to miserable:
No money, consequently no gas in car to go anywhere.
No socialization..have no close friends, only acquaintances here.
No calls from friends, either.
Could do a project at home but I'm stuck at spots where I need money for supplies
SO feeling sorry for myself and hate getting old and frumpy.

And to end on positives:
I could call a friend
I could do a home project such as cleaning that doesn't take money
I did go for a walk..and took a shower afterward. Then applied wonderfully scented bath powder. At least my perspiration smells good.

Yes, he's Disgusting!!!!!

So, today dad and I are talking on the phone and he said he told his pedicurist (yah, he can't bend over to do his own toe nails)that he'd pay me $10 for every pound I lost. He TOLD his PEDICURIST this!!!!!!! I told him he was rude to talk about my weight to her or anyone else. I also told him he should worry about taking care of himself, not me. After attempting to ignore a few more of his comments, I hung up. OOOOOHHHHH. Sometimes I HATE him. Too strong for you? Deal with it.


Yes, yesterday he mentioned my weight and told me that he'd pay me for losing weight. I poo-pooed him then and tried to let it roll off like water on a duck's back. Now?

Talk about bribery. And as I think back, that's exactly what he did when he wanted me to get 'A's on my report card. Only it was only $.50/A back then. I used to think it was because he was proud of me. Not now. Now I realize that he's worried about what other people in his little world might think about him. He has such 'little man' syndrome. And such an over swollen ego. And he calls Me selfish.

Okay, I've vented.
Later in the evening: he's also berating me about my finances. He goes on and on and on because I won't share my financial situation with him. We must be hitting the peak of the abuse cycle.

Poor Me.

I'm bored. Depressed. Why?, I ask myself. I have several things I need to do: Numero Uno: sort bills, pay what I can. I'm really in the worst financial corner I've been in for a long time.

#2 Clean patio and re-do/finish a flower bed. Decide what to do with sunburned plants. I thought this patio would be heavenly, but there is a fair wind blowing most all the time and all the crap (shedding bark, seed balls, leaves, sticks, etc.) get wind tossed into my patio. It's very discouraging. I can't just walk out there and sit without cleaning off table and chairs (and yes, I cover them!) I'd buy a patio cover and go to a nursery to buy soil, plants and decor, but I have no money...see first thing I need to do.

#3 I found all my frames to make a photo collage of the family to put on my dining room wall, but I have no money to get correct sized prints to hang. AND, I have to figure out how order pictures from the ones online that are recent.

#4 I could clean house some more and it needs it, but I'm tired of cleaning house. As I well know by this time of my life, I can clean until my hands are raw and my back aches and my house will still need to be cleaned somewhere!

I hate calling people I work with to see if they'd like to get together. They all have their own lives with families and established friends close at hand. I'm tired of being with dad, though he has 'molded' to my boundaries most of the time. He's 'dad'. Not a friend.

I'm tired of being FAT, yes, FAT: on the border of OBESE!!!! I carry most of my weight in my gut, which is a heart attack waiting to happen, I understand. It also makes me look 5 months pregnant; which is very discouraging at my age. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window and I'm appalled. I look worse than old, I look OLD and FAT and OUT OF SHAPE! I've been faithfully exercising for a week and now my knees ache again. I still have tingly numbness in my left thigh which doesn't seem to change with/without exercise. I think it must have something to do with a partially pinched nerve in my back? I feel like I'll never get the extra weight off and I KNOW it's not good for me. At high altitudes I have trouble breathing, and I'm sure my extra weight doesn't help.

I want to be active, get things done, lose weight, but guess I don't have enough motivation as I do little about it. It seems that unless I have specific deadlines and lots of accountability (like a job),I don't get much done. How can I change to have self-motivation, anyway?

I guess its a family thing. ADHD,learning disabilities,depression, etc., all run in the family. Some days I feel like I have all of them together. Can I blame heredity? I'm really searching here!

I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't budget and control my finances...look how old I am?! I cheated myself out of a trip to TN that I was really looking forward to, just because I got carried away on my trip to the NW. (Hit forehead) What WAS I Thinking? I wasn't, obviously. I have bad 'impulse buying' issues. But, I see my dad has those too. Maybe I "learned" it from him. (Heredity, again?)

I'm really feeling sorry for myself. I'd go up in the mountains, but it is not safe to hike alone, especially here. Cougars, bears and other people with guns. Besides, I don't have the money to buy a park permit so I could actually park my car to hike....money issues again.(At least I can't blame heredity.) When I age to 62 years, the permit goes from $80 to $10. Amazing, huh? One perk in being a senior.

Guess that's all I can complain about for now. It's even cooled off to rain a bit.

If

For awhile, in college, I contemplated studying theology. I looked at the few girls doing that and decided they were just too 'weird'. Stupid reasoning, admitted. I wonder what would have happened had I chosen this path. Would I have given up on the church all together? Would I have been a 'pioneer' in women's ordination or some other cause? Teaching is my talent, but it could have gone a lot of directions. What is your talent? What direction will it take you/has it taken you?

Summer

It's been awhile since I've blogged, but I've had lots of little experiences I thought would make for good fodder. However, they usually disappear from my memory unless I write them down within a few hours, so here's some triteness.

I spent a good portion of June in my beloved Pacific NW visiting friends and family. It was a good emotional and mental shot in the arm. I came back ready to take on dad again and with some ways to set good boundaries with him.

I enjoyed (and got worn out by) spending a few days with my grandson! He is growing so fast. And while I am extremely delighted to have spent time with him, I have deep sorrow that I, once again, did not manage my funds well enough to go visit my granddaughter who is also growing so fast and has changed from baby to little girl. I want to visit and support my TN family, too, but they seem so far away!

I pray for all of them that God will bless and protect them.

Tuesday:

I have been over to Dad's twice today when he needed help. Once, he wanted me to help put the fitted sheets on his bed and the other time help him put some bar chairs together that he'd had re-upholstered. He spent probably $75-$100 dollars on the two chairs at a second-hand store, then had them reupholstered for another $80 in a fabric that doesn't match the rest of his furniture at all. Then he couldn't get them back together because he didn't have the strength or perception to get the screws in the correct spot, straight and tight. It's sad when I have more ability than he does to do those things. He still thinks of me as the 10 year old helping him do home projects. Thankfully he doesn't cuss me out since I've set boundaries with him and he allows me to use the tools when he is tired or stumped or both. He has mellowed and understands his limits...sometimes.

I finally told him he needs to just get what he needs and not worry about trying to save a dollar because he's spending twice as much as new things would have cost. He did the same thing with the drapes he put up. He bought drapes from JCP, then had them customized for his windows by someone 'he knew,' ending up paying twice as much as if he'd bought customized drapes in the first place. He also had to pay someone to come hang them and then 'because it wasn't right,' had a friend come over and re-hang them. I keep reminding him that he isn't saving any money, as 'thrifty' as he thinks he is.

I'm going to also have to tell him that when school starts, I'm not going to be able to pop in and out to help him. We need to set up a schedule. I've already got one drafted. We'll see how it works. I haven't presented it to him yet. Timing is everything.

The next week...

This week I've gone to two doctors' appointments with dad. I've found that going with him to these appointments is necessary. Because he does not hear well, has very limited concentration and his reasoning memory is getting more compromised daily I need to be with him to help him keep things straightened out, to 'translate' and 'interpret' what the doctor tells him, and to reiterate information to him.

Yesterday, he actually told me he appreciated me doing that. He also made a side bar comment that maybe he shouldn't be driving...and let me drive him around town for his errands. I've gotten to know parts of the VA hospital. I shudder to think about how I would not have been able to do this a few years ago, but now, it seems the right thing to do.

I'm glad I'll be going back to work soon, to 'release' me from the daily drop-ins, but know that I will need to set up specific times to help him out. I'm glad for the job I have that will allow me to do that a little.

I desperately need to develop some friendships here to counteract the dad-ism and caregiver role. Besides looking for a care giver's support group, FRIENDS! I pray daily to God to give me some kindred spirit friends and neighbors here.

Mother's Day

I wonder if my children, in all their struggles, are really happy they were born?

One really has no choice whether s/he is born or not. It is always up to the adults' rational or irrational raging hormones and thought processes. And then after one is born, the environment may or may not be one full of opportunities for positive growth and learning about love, respect, commitment, real joy, fulfillment, etc.

Yet, I believe that even if some or many of those influences on one tiny life are negative, one can grow to become a positive, healthy individual. And I've seen the greatest miracle of all, besides giving birth, is that of a heart changed by God.

I know that I'm full of wonderment and thankfulness that my children were born into my life. Only God could have known what I needed. They have shown me joy, been my teachers and completely added new dimensions of understanding to me personally about unconditional love, myself and the world around me. Without them, I would be so incomplete. I take this time to thank God for all he continues to bless me with and teach me through the eyes of my children.

That grandchildren have been added to my heart is a wonderful reawakening of the joy of life from a wide-open innocent view. Thank you, God, for grandchildren, too. Bonding with grandchildren are moments mighty and reverent.

Sometimes I've questioned why would I be born into this world, or why others have been born into such wretchedness, killed by evil? There are no answers, only that I am here, now. What I decide to do with each moment is the open choice God gives me.

I've severely disappointed and disrespected Him with many of my choices. I pray forgiveness and stand again to face each moment with perseverance and inner joy, knowing I am loved and that I do matter in His scheme of eternity. He will sustain me.

Roller Coaster feelings

Today I gloried in the green silhouettes of trees and trees full of either pink or white blossoms, a rich green topcoat of desert spring 'grass' and these bright colors magnifying the red, gray and yellow rock. All this framed by a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds. The lilacs are even beginning to blossom, while tulips and daffodils are still blooming. Its a different spring here, but finally the colors rival (if only briefly) those of the PNW!

Went to OT to see about my epichondylitis. My rt. arm and wrist are back in a splint and I'm not supposed to use it.. I have at least 15 reports to do on the computer and have to play with kids in the classroom. Ugh. I'm so glad there are only 27 days of school left! I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Just typing this much makes my arm hurt. Of course, Mary, if you read this, I shouldn't complain considering what you've recently gone through!

Summer Patio Room

I finally got busy today about 3 p.m., doing some gardening. No housework this weekend! I had bought some herbs, lavendar bush and pansies. Sam's club had 2 small lilacs/2 small hydrangeas in a box, so I got those (cheap!). I put the herbs in a strawberry planter and some of the pansies in a small pot beside them. Then I planted the lavendar and more pansies in a wooden tub between our connecting duplexes. I put the lilacs in my small, back garden/patio area and planted the sage next to some chives I found in back. I trimmed and tied up a pitiful rose bush and gave the back plants some Alaskan fish food and plenty of water. Now I just need to plant 3 tomato vines dad gave me (next to the chives and sage), and set up my PNW raised garden in the shady area after I remove all the decorative rock. (Laugh here, Maida.) I have the raised garden kit, hostas, bleeding heart, violet ground cover, an azalea and 2 hydrangeas and some soil, though I'll need more soil. I have no idea whether the plants will survive, but we'll see.

Whew, my back aches! But I feel so accomplished. The guilt kicks in because I didn't catch up with my school paperwork that just keeps getting further behind....I'll pay for it this week. Oh well. Soon I'll be able work outside on my cute patio!

Today

My dissatisfied soul is looking on the internet for a new place to work. Nothing comes up available in my favorite places. Guess I need to buckle down and stick with this. I'm not good for sticking with things over the long run. I tend to jump and run when I can't take it anymore. God needs to do A LOT of work on me yet. Forgive me, Lord, for not relying on you moment by moment.

Choosing Each Moment

Mentally: Narrow thinking/prejudice vs. the wonder of learning
Emotionally: Irrational thoughts/behavior vs. fruits of spirit, love & mercy
Spiritually: Eternal death vs. faith, hope and charity
Physically: Debilitating existence in nursing home vs. Vitality, movement
Socially: Isolation vs. positive relationships with friends and family

Self-Induced Misery

This week has been Spring Break and I had so many plans. First I was going to go to TN to visit my kids. Then I decided to stay home and finish unpacking things like pictures, office supplies, etc. I had also made tentative plans to do a little hiking with some people at work. NOT!

The first part of the week ended up being stormy and cold and no outside activities would have been pleasant. The last two days were sunny and I have taken hour-long walks which is better than nothing. I started on the CHIP program again; not strictly following the first week of 'cleansing' but enough to eliminate junk food from my diet. I can't stand myself any more.

Then, as to sorting and putting away stuff? I have a living/dining room floor full of half-sorted piles of paper to put away. Here it is Sabbath. I get so angry with myself for not having a clean abode to surround me as I rest on Sabbath. It totally throws me off, I've decided. I've spent years going overboard on both extremes; cleaning and working so heavily on Friday as to be too tired to enjoy any Sabbath activities; even a good sermon is lost if I fall asleep!

I've also gone to the other extreme of just letting it all go, going to bed early, leaving the mess, in an attempt to be alert mentally and spiritually to enjoy my day with God. Now, the mess distracts me and I can't focus. Either way, I'm doomed.

So, what to do? I tend to let any housecleaning go until the end of the week, because I'm too exhausted after work each day to do anything. So at the end of the week, Ouch! Overwhelming! So I suppose one solution would be to keep things picked up during the week so there isn't so much to do on Friday. Have I tried that? Perhaps not with my whole heart, as it hasn't seemed to work. I can distract myself in any number of ways, but watching TV, shopping and eating are the worst.

Guess I'm a 'princess' at my core, as I Hate Housework! Why do I rebel against it? Childhood? Oh, a therapist could really dig that! It is mindless work after all these years of 'practice' and I can listen to the radio and think about whatever while I do it. And, I have to admit that I feel huge relief and some accomplishment when things are clean and in place. But then the next fleeting thought is a big sigh that it will only stay that way a day, or perhaps two, and it starts all over.

Maybe that's what God is talking about when he says not to give up, to hang on, to 'sustain' and 'persevere'. Guess I'm not there yet, by a long way.

So, here it is Sabbath, I have a horrible mess to put away before I go to work on Monday. The thoughts of getting totally organized will still be biting at my brain.

Will the floor ever get vacuumed? It REALLY needs it. Not this weekend.

Getting It Done

Yesterday, I made waffles for my dad for breakfast. I felt generous. It was Valentine's Day, after all, and I do want to be kind. So I also agreed to help him go through papers. He's been asking me over and over to help. We went through all his life insurance papers (of which he didn't know if the policies were still in effect). I left it to him to figure all that out. Most of them were 'free'one-year policies connected with accounts. Then we had to go through all his funeral prep stuff. Three hours later we'd gone through medical receipts for the last four years and multiple other useless pieces of paper. I took out my anxieties on the shredder and filled a 13 gallon garbage bag full of shreds. :) I told him that was ALL for that day and I went home after making us salads for a late lunch. (I was surprised that he actually had veggies in the fridge.) :)

Today, I had plans for taking stuff to GoodWill donations, getting my income tax paid, taking some stuff to a consignment store and really cleaning house. Dad showed up at my door at 9 a.m. and wanted to know if I wanted to go to the grocery store. I told him my plans and he said, okay, put the stuff in my truck and we'll go. He drove home to get his income tax papers and we went at that aggravating 35 mph pace of an 83 year old for the next five hours. I shouldn't have. I was sarcastic and he was snarly. Suffice it to say that as the morning progressed, he got more snarly, as he found out he owed more income tax than he anticipated and that prompted him to tell ME how I needed to learn how to plan ahead and be financially responsible. Grrrrrrrrr. I finally got hold of my own emotions and realized that he was getting beyond snarly, so I agreed to go to a late lunch with him. My hour's worth of errands lasted the better part of the day. When I got home I was exhausted. Slept for an hour. Phone rang and I didn't answer it...of course it was dad. He wanted to know if I wanted his iron (mine broke). But the way he said it was, "You didn't take this iron." Uh, we'd only talked about mine being broken. How was I supposed to read his mind that he had his iron all ready for me to take?

This is a BIG BAD HABIT of his. He expects others to read his mind and fill in the details of what he is talking about. And then he gets angry when people don't do as he expects. Sanity, oh Sanity! (Hey I could make new words with tune from the Canadian national anthem....probably not appropriate.) A little sarcasm is still hanging around.

Frankly, I'll be glad to go back to work tomorrow. Next weekend is MINE, all MINE!Thank goodness I have my own place and he does NOT have a key!

companionship

Those of you who follow my blog will be interested to note I signed onto eHarmony today. I put in my info and had 4 matches to review. Of course I can't talk to any of them until I pay the fee. That will come later, if I decide to do so. See what happens when all my friends and family are far away? I go nuts.