Grieving

August 11, 2019

Its been a few years since I looked at this blog.  A lot of life has happened.  I am now the lone survivor of my original  family, and survivor of breast cancer.  Cancer seems to have gripped my family.  I lost my mother to cancer, lost my sister to cancer, lost my dad to cancer and most recently lost my daughter to cancer. 

 I've had joyful intervening events of  now, five grandchildren, reconnecting with childhood friends and retirement.  There are stories I could relate to each of those topics.  

But the one most on my mind is losing my daughter, June 20, 2019.  She was 41 years old with an adoring husband and 2 boys, ages 5 and 11.  Her husband is an angel/saint of a human being, father and husband.  The fact that he respects my involved role as mother-in-law and grandmother is a saving grace as we grapple with our "new normal".  

But on with my feelings about my daughter's demise.  There will always be an empty hole in my heart for her.  Always.  It is made less raw by the fact that her husband allows my free involvement with him and the boys. 

My grief for my daughter is compounded by not being able to share things that made us laugh, catching her saying the same thing at the same time, watching her live in a quiet, intelligent manner. Enjoying food together.  She taught me to be more conscious of environmental issues, of being more open minded. She and her hubby are raising their sons to love first and be loved in return. I miss her popping over for lunch from work (small town).  I miss her Presence.  

My worrying nature asks the questions that cannot be answered.  Supposedly no BRCA connection to all this cancer.  Then WTH?
Why has all my family been ripped from me by Cancer?   It is an epidemic for sure.  Why did I survive and not my family members?
 Why was she taken from her family?  (Of course, a myriad of people all over the world asks this question when any catastrophe happens and removes a loved one!) Why me/them?  Why not me/them?  My religious beliefs offer some answers as to the "why" of it all.  And that gives me hope.  But it still HURTS!  

It seems our lives are all about stumbling forward.  Upright one minute and catching ourselves from falling, the next.  Sometimes we do fall, shattered and have to pick up the pieces to remake ourselves.  I always think of a brooch a friend gave me once that was made of broken china pieces.  The poem that came with it talked about that very thing:  making ourselves over into something more lovely.  I can only hope and pray that whatever I'm being made into will be a blessing to my dear son, my grandchildren, son-in-law, daughter-in-law and other family, as well as friends.  

I have to make special effort to climb out of the lethargy of grief.  I look  for moments of joy and hope.  That's what I have left.  And my memories of the same.

 

Cocker Spaniel

Yesterday I read a classified ad in our work place's newsletter about someone wanting a good home for a 2- year-old, neutered, golden cocker spaniel, with papers. I had also been told that he obeyed simple, basic commands.This person had a job that kept him away from home for 12-18 hours at a time and he could not take care of his dog.  So, I called and made an appointment to meet the dog to see if he and I might be a good match, provided Lilo approved!.

The man's mother was caring for the dog.  Upon opening the door, the first thing the dog did was jump up on me. He was a handsome specimen with dark golden, wavy hair on his back and very curly, blonde hair on his head, legs and feet. His body  form was impressive. They readily told me he needed to be groomed (yeah).  I was told he was up on his shots and had surgery as a pup to remove a decayed tooth.  They, too, were surprised he would have that issue as a puppy.  Supposedly the owner gets high grade 'natural' food from the same place I get Lilo's food.  Then, outside, I noted that the dog does not raise his leg to pee, but squats.  When I asked if he was house trained, she said, that sometimes he gets excited and pees inside, but only poops inside when he's hyper excited.  The pooch easily became used to me during the time I was there.  It was obvious he wanted attention, but got used to me quickly and snooped around the house and yard as the woman and I talked.  Back inside, he started scooting along the rug.  I asked the woman if he had worms and she said, no, that they'd checked his poop.  When I asked her about the commands he'd learned, she was vague and said the dog obeys her son really well, but the dog obeyed her only with lots of physical cues and repeated verbal commands(She's his  doggy 'grandma'--is that why he didn't obey her?)

All in all, I felt that perhaps Lilo and I were not yet ready for a dog.  Sigh.  Perhaps not the right time, place and/or dog.

Winter and Spring in One Day

My previous post described my adventure in a winter wonderland.  As I drove down into the valley, leaving it behind, the sun began to shine warmly, making me shed my mittens, scarf, and making me mentally wanting to take off my coat from the sun's warmth filling the car.  The clouds had receded and the sunset was a brilliant orange-pink, leaving me to wonder if spring was not far in the days ahead.  There seems to be some inner hope and joy that comes with warmth from the sun and sunshine in the form of colorful skies.  Just as the wave of the winter play land joy began to wane, I was hit with another wave of joy, that of the warmth and hope of  the renewal of  life in the spring.  Yes, it is still cold in the valley, but most of the snow has melted and as I entered the city, an outdoor thermometer sign flashed 35*!

Winter Wonderland

Today I had one of  those unusually joyful experiences that took me back to my childhood emotions. I traveled to a preschool 1/2 way up the mountain  where I worked with a child with developmental delays.  She is progressing nicely.  Just about the time I planned to leave, the kids started getting their gear on to go outdoors to play.  I realized that each child had come prepared with snow pants, as well as snow boots, hats, scarves, mittens,  and coats.  They were really ready to play in the 8-12 inches of snow that covered their playground!  And to top it off, they were quite self-sufficient putting on all their gear...it wasn't a new experience for them.  Most of them live in the surrounding mountainous villages and ranches. 

( In the valley, where most of our classrooms are located, the children are not allowed to play outdoors if there is that much snow. And when it does warm a little and the snow melts a little, teachers don't get out any trikes or play equipment, even pails and shovels. Children just run around...sigh.)

I watched in childish delight and felt childish anticipation as the kids took out sleds (plural) and a pair of children's skis for turns at taking, large sliding strides across the flat playground.  The sleds were used on a short, gentle slope that went from the patio-sidewalk of the school onto the flat expanse of the playground.  It was so perfect and delightful looking it was all I could do not to stay.  But my fear of returning on icy roads overcame me and I regrettably said good-bye.

At my old age, I had imbibed the invisible, palpable joy of children playing in snow; as I had done as a child once upon a time. I had also shared, though belatedly, the joy my granddaughter felt when she arrived at Christmas to several inches of snow and sunk into it making snow angels and snow castles even though it was getting dark....and shivery cold.  Thank you, Ella, for allowing grammie to share your joy!  Its in my heart to stay.

Decided to call in sick for work today. After I began walking, it felt so right. NO I'm not sick, except that there is really nothing to do at work, I've compiled my files and done the home visits so it would be 'making up' something to do. The preschoolers start next week. I decided my time would be better spent at home. As is my pattern, my finances have gotten out of control; only this time it is dental bills. My teeth have started their 'old age' symptoms in earnest.

 I've also been reeling this week in a depression funk. I think I came down hard from my wonderful vacation, what with the dental work and dad's ER trip to the hospital for his heart...he's fine, but it left it's toll on me. The fact that he is failing in health doesn't bother me so much as his refusal to see it in reality. And his cognitive skills are poor; no concentration to follow through and his conversations are hard to decipher. And, as always, he is morbid about anything he talks about whether it is personal or world affairs. He demeans me constantly, even when he doesn't think he is and doesn't get it.

 I've set a goal to retire in two years. My CEO have graciously consented to letting me rent a little house they bought as investment and will remodel it to my liking. I can't thank them enough. I stayed in it this summer and it has a wonderful garden/landscape, a nice garage, screened in porch. Can't wait to get up there with family!

 I thank God for my blessings, children and grandchildren, my sister and her hubby. I ask God to bless and keep them for his kingdom. Amen.

Mom

I greeted my cousin at church yesterday and she took note of my purple sweater saying that my mom loved purple and that her mom (my mom's sis) still had a few pieces of my mom's purple clothing in her closet. I had no idea: that she still had some of her clothing, that purple was a favorite color of my mom. I had always loved purple and my daughter adores purple.

Looking at a small picture of my mom on my mantle, I miss her. Strange after all these years. I'd like to talk to her more about 'purple'. I'd like to update my picture of her. She was taken away from us in 1988. Still remembered. So many family dynamics changed when she died. One person's influence is profound, though they are seldom recognized for that influence.

To all of you out there who have touched my life, I give thanks for you. And I thank God for blessing me with children and grandchildren who have profoundly changed My life. Your influence is wide and fills my soul.

A Little Child Shall Lead Them

When my son was between 4 or 5 years old, our church held some evangelistic meetings. My husband ran the sound booth from the balcony, so our little family sat up there with him. At the end of one of these meetings, there was the usual call for those who wanted to give their hearts to Jesus to come forward. As my active, curious son looked over the railing, no one walked forward. He came back to me, obviously stricken, asking why no one wanted to give their hearts to Jesus and strongly wanted me to walk down there with him. I don't remember his argument at that time, but I attempted to explain to him that it was only for people who had never heard of Jesus before.

Now, many years later, I ache with regret and ask God's forgiveness for not walking forward with my son. God had obviously touched his heart; had begun His work in my little one, and I refused the invitation. My son Was expressing that deep, heart/mind/soul connection with God FOR THE FIRST TIME in his life. As a family we attended church weekly, were engaged in "God's work" as a part of our life-style. I failed to see that my son, a relatively new member of this human race, had understood at a preschool level, that he wanted to be a part of God's family. And I missed it.
Dumb me. I missed it.

There's a moral to this story for parents out there. When your child expresses a wish to attend or go to any spiritual gathering or event, send them; or better yet, GO WITH THEM. God is speaking to them and despite all your excuses/reasons for refusing, please, please, obey God's calling.

growing Up

I am astounded at how fast my grandchildren are growing up. When we were all together at Thanksgiving for the first time in 4 years, it was amazing to see them interact. Even though I work with preschoolers on a weekly basis, my grand'babies' are the most amazing, intelligent, and loving children I know! I love them so much...and miss the day to day growth points of new language learning, cognitive 'ah-has', dramatic play, (and believe me, they are Dramatic!) and physical coordination development. Plus, I miss their loving hugs! O hugged the computer yesterday, giving 'me' a hug.....sniff, sniff.

Fortunately, in this day and age, we have Skype. Today I played 'go-fish' with Oliver over Skype. My dear Caryn helped hold 'my' hand of cards and keep the game organized. O is like the proverbial little sponge as he learns. He didn't always recognize the numerals on the cards, but could count the objects on each card to know how many were there and at the end, figured out that I had won because I had more 'books'. Amazing for a 4 1/2 year old, compared to the kids I work with in special education.

I am so proud of my children and grandchildren! My children have made beautiful lives of their own. I know they struggle with their inner and outer challenges, but if they could see themselves from my perspective, they would be proud of their accomplishments and daily lives. They are down-to-earth, have common sense, and yet are very intellectual, politically savvy, and continue to strive toward being good parents and citizens here on earth and in preparation for their heavenly home. I wonder if they really know how much I love them....and miss them?

Which symbolically moves me to consider how much more God longs to have me with him, more than I long to be with my family and feel their hugs. All I can do is ask for His forgiveness for my conscious and unconscious wandering away from Him, my Creator and Guide. My Creator, who gave his life for me and gave me my children and grandchildren; who waits patiently for me to love Him back. Am I growing Up?

Word(s) to Live By

Listening to KLOVE radio a year ago, I heard them discussing New Year's resolutions and that many were choosing a 'word' to focus on for the new year. After considering this, I looked for a word, too. What I came up with was "Accountability". Now, at first, my main focus was for financial accountability as I had 'upside down finances'. A year later, I am doing better in that regard, so that focus did help me. But focusing on the word 'accountability' became much more than 'financial accountability'. I realized it also meant living my life without regrets, living to account for every precious moment. I almost considered taking that word again this year, but then reasoned that a new word would add some new dimension to my life and perhaps even to the definition of 'accountability'.

This New Year, I was anxious about many things and suddenly 'my word' came to me: Reassurance. On first thought, this was mainly to focus me on being reassuring to my dad and not trying to 'help' or 'fix' him when obviously he does not want to be helped or fixed. I am a 'helper' at heart and it is hard for me to step back and let others figure out how to help themselves.

As it turns out, I need reassurance in many aspects of my own life. At work, I need reassurance from letting anxiety and stress overwhelm me. Personally I need reassurance that my social life (or lack thereof) is Okay and can be teaching me something, or just allowing me to renew. Financially, reassurance can allow me to take a deep breath to deal with the next bill. Spiritually, I began to wake up singing "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine." I do believe He put that in my mind to reassure me He is with me for each moment of the day.

And yes, I'm learning to respond, not only to my dad, but to others with more 'reassurance' and less sarcasm, argument or condemnation. Believe me, I am only beginning this process.

We're all stressed and anxious in a million different ways. Jesus is my Reassurance and He holds me accountable....He's yours, too!

Walking to School

Today was reminiscent of walking to school when I was young. (Yeah, I admit it. I've reached 'old'.) One of the preschool sites I serve as an early childhood special educator is about 3/4 of a mile from my house, so I decided to walk today. As I walked along the residential streets, my mind wandered back to all those many, many days that I walked to school...more than a mile away, I'm sure. I walked in all kinds of weather: freezing cold, to sunny, hot days. I always carried books in high school and 'junior high'..as we called it then. I've been trying to remember if I ever carried any kind of a book bag, but I don't think I did. I think I carried a handbag along. Sometimes I walked with friend/s part or all of the way. My mind wandered as it must have when I was a child observing traffic, people, butterflies, birds and life, along the way.

Today I carried a backpack which I attempted to lighten as much as possible, but still carried my lunch, notebook, schedule book,and water bottles, with personal items tucked inside. I wore my walking shoes, and carried a pair of sandals in the back pack, too, thinking I would change when I arrived...but I forgot to change shoes, so that was a bit of extra weight I didn't need to carry. I also wore a light jean jacket this morning, as it was about 60 sunny degrees. This afternoon, I did not need the jacket, as the temperature had climbed into the 80+. In the shade it was wonderful for walking; but a bit hot in the sun, carrying, what I consider at this point in my life, a Heavy back pack. (Obviously I do no back pack hiking!) The back pack put a strain on my neck and upper back (yeah, all you techies will probably say it wasn't ergonomically set!), but the walk was relatively short. No harm done and now I'm home, knowing that I've already walked 40 minutes today, in two 20-minute sessions. A really painless way to get my exercise! 'Back then,' it was just a necessary mode of travel. There were no carpools, as most families had one car and the breadwinner of the family used that to get back and forth to work...10-12 hour days.

You might say that times have changed, and yet they are the same.

Back in the Day

I accompanied dad around town today and had lunch with him. His stories ramble from one to the other and I'm never sure which 'era' he is talking about, but a couple of stories stood out for me.

1. He fed circus elephants water, carrying heavy buckets to them as they were chained by opposite front and back feet to huge stakes. Working for the circus was rewarded with a limited free ticket. He and his friends didn't know it was limited, so they complained to their uncles standing with the sheriff that evening at the circus. Because the circus owner was the man at the 'throw-a-baseball-at-the-milk-bottle' booth, the men got together, had a local one-armed baseball 'hero' knock all three bottles over, thereby pressuring the owner to let the boys in to All the circus. It worked. He also related that he and other boys helped put up the big 3-ring circus tent (I'm not sure exactly what job they did.) The men would have the ropes and poles on the outside and elephants held up the center poles on the inside as the tents were erected. Those were the days....1930's, Cherokee, OK.

2. Another of his stories of CO is how he used to walk with his friends from 12th and Orchard Ave to Appleton (5-10 miles), where there was a dance hall. Now I don't know, but I think this was when he was in high school and before he went to the army.

3. During WWII,1944-46?, he deciphered Morse code while in the Air Force as the company clerk. Not sure where he did this. Could have been USA.

4. He related how he had to tie a handkerchief over his mouth and nose to walk home from school in the dust bowl days of OK and still got a mouth full of dirt/sand.

5, He told how he missed a lot of school when he was in the 4th or 5th grade. As he looks back on it, he thinks he may have had rheumatic fever. His art teacher brought him colored pencils and a tablet which kept him busy drawing...he is a good artist, just never pursued it...superfluous in his 'work to provide' mentality. He also had a good singing voice on the rare times he joined us singing songs on car trips. He probably could have pursued a music degree. He definitely enjoyed and still talks about how he liked playing the drums in the marching band (probably 8th, 9th grade) in OK. He didn't want to follow the rules of the band teacher here in CO, so dropped out of band....typical behavioral response for him throughout his life. He doesn't get along, so tells people off and then cuts them out of his life.

6. When he was 17 yrs or so, he went on a short (not more than a couple weeks) cattle drive here in the mountains of CO to town. I'll have to ask again to get the names of the places. This story brought up the fact that before his family left OK, they lived on a farm and he had a pony that he rode with 3 of his brothers, cages of homing pigeons (which his sister accidentally let escape and they never returned...rather funny for homing pigeons, I think), dogs, cats, 2 white rat pets. His family had chickens for eggs and ones they butchered for Sunday dinners. Once, he forgot one of his pet white rats was in his pocket when he went to a 'picture show' and it jumped down the blouse of a girl-friend.

7.They had 'taffy pulling' parties and his older sister Nelle made the best taffy! (I remember that aunt coming twice to our home when I was growing up and involving us in making her taffy.

8.Nelle was the sibling assigned to look after him while his mom supervised her 6 other children, did church work and helped run the farm. He's the youngest and came several years after the others.

These are stories that keep being retold, so I think they left major life-impressions. Whether they are all TRUE is left to your own imagination. Since I've heard these stories for many years, I imagine the core of them is true at least.

Dry Waller

I've met this interesting person who is not my 'type' at all. Perhaps that's why he is interesting. He owns his own construction business (has for 33 yrs) and is fixing my bathroom from the swamp cooler fiasco. He is very calm and low key, even Lilo came out of her hiding place and let him pet her, then just went to her usual resting spots while we visited. He is quite a conversationalist and seems quite genuine. Hasn't used foul language. He likes to hunt and fish, has a gun collection, has 2-3 special cars he shows, has lived/traveled all over the US, including fishing in Alaska near Homer...a favorite spot of his. He likes 4-wheeling, has a big cab 4X4 diesel Ford pickup, has a dog and a cat. He says he's played hard, worked hard and really does okay financially from all the things he tells me about. He basically gutted the house he lives in now and remodeled it inside and out. Says he's done this wherever he's lived. He doesn't like to rent and showed me lots of construction errors and 'cover-ups' in my place....does make me want to move out before the place falls apart! He knows his work, I can tell. He's been divorced twice, and still has occasional contact with his 2nd wife, evidently. He's been divorced from the 2nd wife 5 years. He says he doesn't go out much anymore because he doesn't like to do stuff by himself. And he's getting older and its harder to move when he gets up in the mornings! He says he just sits home and watches TV a lot. I think it sounds like he works most of the time. He says that's basically why he and his 2nd ex split. He worked to provide for her and she didn't want to be married anymore. I don't think he has any children.

He described his house to me in glowing terms; he's proud of his work. He has hardwood floors, big kitchen, loves to grill, so he hooked his gas grill up to the gas that is in the house. He even told me he has some special washer/dryer set from New Zealand (Fisher..something) that uses less water, dries faster and only takes a screwdriver to fix. He has a gas fireplace, leather furniture with fabric seats decorated with caribou, bear and fish...he laughed about that as it wasn't his first choice. He usually likes plain leather furniture. He said he only has a couch set and a small table, minimal number of dishes and doesn't use the dish washer except to wash the filters in his hot tub. He painted the walls of his home with that faux texture to look like the walls were covered with leather. Put in french doors to his patio, has a 3 car garage, finished inside, for his show cars. He has a long, wide cement driveway that he had to fight with the city over replacing a part of the city's sidewalk. He puts a blade on his 4-wheeler to get rid of the snow in winter. He has one friend with whom he's helping remodel his house and goes out to dinner a couple nights a week with him.

Yes, we covered a lot of 'territory' in our conversations. This is the 2nd conversation I've had with him and he seems like the same nice person each time. No agendas, no bologna. We must have visited for 2 hours or more after he finished dry walling the bathroom today. I think he's a few years younger than I am, but not many.

He invited me to come make arrowheads..oh, yeah, he's into making them and collecting rocks. He told me where he lives. He is interested in seeing my dad's guns...I think he might want to buy them, but I'm sure dad would enjoy showing them off.

Oh, and he's not bad looking...'course, I haven't seen him without his baseball cap (longer gray hair sticks out) or the blue tooth phone stuck in his ear!

Just sayin'....interesting conversation to put a bright spot in my day.

Social Dreams

Our Sabbath School (SS) class had a planned picnic after church today. I was very excited about doing something social for a change. As I've said before, I'm needing some social input on a regular basis. I thought this opportunity would be a good one for me. Then yesterday afternoon, a woman I'd met recently at work called to invite me to a showing of Art Quilts with a social justice theme at the Art Center here in town. So I took her up on it.I was really too excited (and anxious) with my planned adventures!

I went to SS and church, then headed to the park for the picnic.The picnic was okay, but I had very few conversations with people and felt uncomfortable (out of my comfort zone for sure!) It was HARD WORK and I didn't feel very much like a part of the group, but I'm not giving up at this point. It was a beginning.

I left the picnic in time to meet my work-friend at the Art Center. It was awesome. There was a film about making Art Quilts(vs. traditional quilts) and several quilters talked about the processes they used in making their art quilts and how their research led them to try different themes. The theme of the quilts on display today was atrocities to women during war and other times. It was powerful. I thought a lot about my sister's art and her expressions for peace and social justice. I had this wild idea that it would be wonderful for her and I to have an exhibition on some theme: her art and perhaps my making some art quilts! Wild thoughts are what dreams are made of, are they not?

This art experience gave me motivation to try art quilting! I haven't felt that creative motivation for a long, long time. I liked the Art Center. I wanted to be a part of it. I'm going to get more involved, even if it is just to go view the new exhibits on the "free first Friday" of each month!

Thank you, God, for this day!

Getting into Summer

I've been off work now for a week and I set up my patio with flowers, etc., made my house even more cluttered and dirty in the process of rearranging and cleaning it and overspent my budget. I've slept in, taken long naps and sat out on the patio enjoying the sunshine. What I've accomplished could simply be stated as R&R.

Friday, I noticed my swamp cooler leaking (have I told you how much I detest those things?...see previous posts) and then part of the bathroom ceiling gave way. Extra cleaning to be done when that is fixed!

But now a week has gone by and I'm feeling that the transition into summer has taken place. I'm ready to finish the projects that lay about and chart my summer vacation.

In reflecting on this past year of work and living, I've admitted to myself openly that what I lack is a social life. I need a circle of friends here. Friendship hunger. I've always thought of myself as a loner, but this is getting too much. Dad is no companion; he's like dragging a toddler around, but much less fun..and his conversation is worse than a toddler's whine!!!! My aunt/cousins haven't spoken much since I moved out of the condo. That's a relationship I feel I need to open again, but I keep putting it off. Basically I'm a chicken when it comes to confrontation. I have begun to go to church and SS more regularly and made myself attend pot luck last week. A few people introduced themselves. I'm sorry I won't remember their names! I'd like a social group for mild hiking and exploring the area, but everyone is so 'fit' here, I feel like a slug to their vitality.

That brings me to another 'stuck place' topic...my overweight-ness and lack of physical exercise. I know, I know, I know! what I SHOULD be doing; but I don't. Somewhere inside is something against moving forward to 'be' the person on the outside that I imagine myself to be on the inside. Sigh. If I had better health insurance, I'd go to a counselor that deals with social/weight issues.

I have settled in here more this year. I've gotten used to the dry, sunny weather and enjoy the warm evenings of June. I know July will be firecracker hot, but I am savoring this weather for now. I'll have a bit of a break from it on my vacation.

I'm also considering that soon it may be a good idea for dad and I to move into the same place, so he feels less lonely and I don't have to run to his place several times a week to 'answer his calls.' I'm thinking that if we rented a larger house, I could have an area all my own and allow him that, too. It might work. By splitting the rent, we could afford it.

This transition time into summer is a good space from which to count my blessings and air out my soul. Of course, I miss my family dearly and am glad that within the next six months we'll be together a couple of times! I'm also grateful to have my job for another year, my health is holding steady, my kitty is doing well and my car is still running smoothly. God, air, water, food, shelter, family, friends, and pet companions.

And I want more?

Blame Your Parents

Right now I'm thinking 'life sucks' and why am I always stepping on toes, lately, getting myself into trouble with my colleagues and supervisor? With all the budget cuts, I wouldn't be surprised if they gave me the 'pink slip'. Even using too much colored ink gets me in trouble.You'd think at age 60+ it would get easier, but it doesn't.Communication is still a problem for me.

Can I still blame my parents?
I still let my kids blame me.
Hear that kids?

Tennessee Christmas

I was blessed to spend time with my TN family over the holiday. They are a very busy,talkative family and a direct opposite of what I'm used to at home, where I live a solitary, quiet existence outside of work. It was, as one person put it, 'the best kind of tired.' My early morning flights went off without any hitches (despite the fact we had to turn around and retrieve my coat, which in 60 degree weather, I had forgotten).Aaand my suitcase has finally arrived! Whew!

I was really tired after my arrival home yesterday and had a tremendous sinus headache, but this morning my headache is gone, Lilo kitty is still staying within touching distance...if I don't pet her often, she reaches out a paw to touch me. After being around petite Ti-Ti for two weeks, my Lilo seems very big and heavy!

Below are just a few of the pictures of my wonderful trip which included doing a craft with my El each day before Christmas, wrapping presents, shopping and shopping and shopping, going to see zoo lights by night, returning to the zoo during the day to watch Little Miss ice skate and see the animals, playing in the leaves, napping, helping make/clean up wonderful meals and treats all engineered and produced by my daughter(in-law), playing Rock Band with them, having 'movie nights,' hearing my son play the piano and sing at church, seeing my daughter(in-law) teach a wonderful Sabbath school for the birth to three year olds (even if E was the only one there on Christmas Day!)watching El enjoy 'green wrappers,' open all her presents and listen to her intelligent, enlightening chatter. She sang song after song and even made up her own verses. Takes after her parents with her musical ability! I enjoyed hearing her say, "It's my fav'rit!" whenever anything interesting, new, exciting, or wanted was discussed, seen, or tried. It's great being a grandparent!

I also, for the first time, saw live flamingos and a red cardinal. God gives us such artistic beauty in large and small ways!















this is what happens after you blow into a bowl of flour!


Oh, and if I ever hear Goofy singing "White Christmas" again, it will be too soon! :D

Parades

When I was little, my dad was enthralled with parades and would drag us to each and every parade that came by our area. If we couldn't be there he would grab the movie camera and make sure there was a home movie of it to watch. And he would Make us watch it! Whenever a football game paused for half-time entertainment (in those days it was all bands..and on black and white TV)we had to stop whatever we were doing and watch...even my mom)...for he screamed and yelled, you see.


I like a good parade with music and well done floats. I even participated in my small town's local yearly parade when I was a senior in high school, working with our local chapter of Internat'l Order of Rainbow for Girls. As I've gotten older, I've enjoyed the Portland Rose Parade, Portland Starlight Parade, and laughed and enjoyed smaller parades when I lived in OH.

Now I'm in CO and live in a medium sized town with parades. They had one on the 4th of July which I did not attend because of the HEAT, but last night I attended their Christmas Light Parade. People started saving their spots at 2 p.m...the parade was 5 p.m. and by the time I got there at 3:30, people had chairs lined up 2 rows deep and had started to settle in for the evening. By the time the parade started, people were 5-6 rows deep for 7 blocks. I'm supposing a lot of people came because the weather was good, people needed free events since the economy is bad, and it was something for the kids.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will decorate so they can participate in a parade. I expected some really nice stuff considering all the kinds of lights and the technology available...even here.

In my opinion, however, it turned out to be an advertisement of the businesses in the area and of the police and fire departments, blaring their horns and sirens enough to cause one's ears to ring. About every 5 vehicles was a fire truck or ER vehicle with lights on it. At least half of them had lights that looked like the lights were just slapped on. ATV's had their decorations and there was one horse pulled wagon. The floats pulling lots of people on board were pulled by 18 wheeler cabs. I was surprised there were not more horses in the parade. What's a western parade without horses? Maybe some of you horse aficionados can tell me why...like the horses wouldn't do well at night with all the blinking lights, or something. there was only one horse drawn carriage.

I'm not sure what the exact theme of the parade was, but it had something to do with 'Candyland', as each float was about the same...a gingerbread house, or 'peppermint forest'. And although there is a very special candy factory here, I did not see them represented. There were marching bands from the 3 high schools in the area and a couple of middle school bands who played from their places on 18 wheeler flat-beds. I was told there were 100 floats, but I think there were about 65 or so. At #54 we pretty much had enough and our feet were aching, so we headed toward a bagel/coffee shop 3 blocks away. By the time we got there the parade was over and people dispersed.

Here are some pictures of the event.

Foolish Questions?

1. Will I ever be debt free?
2. How long will I keep my house picked up/clean since it is okay after company left?
3. Will the 30 minutes I walked today be repeated this week?
4. Will the 1/4 c. 5 grain cereal covered with fresh-frozen blueberries and soy milk counteract the 4 cinnamon rolls I ate?

Reflections on Company and Sharing.

I haven't had overnight company for a long time; and this last week, my friend B was able to come stay with me through Thanksgiving. We enjoyed our time together. It's easy to be with her because she does her own thing. We enjoy just being in the same room together, visiting. Since I don't have TV right now, she brought her computer, and we would each be using our computers, or one reading, doing crosswords, computer games, etc., while the other did what she wanted. It's companionship; nothing heavy, and yet deep and comforting.

I'd forgotten what it was like to have another person in the house; to be aware of another's wants and needs. I've forgotten what it was like to think of the other person FIRST and be considerate. When I got a snack, I'd forget to ask B if she'd like me to get her a snack, for example. I've come to live a selfish life and I really am lonely for companionship. What a sad way of living.

She was also very valuable in giving me a lesson on patience and a more objective look at dad. She thinks we argue so much because we are too much alike! The worst thing that could ever be for me. I think my dad is disgusting and creepy. B thinks he is just a tottering, grumpy old man. She did get tired of his 'stories.'

We had fun traveling around looking at the sights. I took her along Rim Rock Drive in the Colorado National Monument and it was sunny with storms approaching which made the sky full of unique patterns of sun and clouds. I took her with me to one of my schools for an afternoon; took her to my office. While I was busy at work, she read and took walks in the neighborhoods, enjoying the sunshine and cool (bordering Cold) weather.

Thursday we cooked Thanksgiving dinner and she was in charge of the turkey. We laughed as she started baking it too late to be done for our 2 p.m. dinner, as she was playing on her computer which had the PDT rather than MDT on it. So we had dinner in courses (marvelously her term!), with all the side dishes first, turkey with more mashed potatoes and gravy next, and then dessert! Jokes were made about the 'vegetarian' dinner...as I tried to make everything vegan or or least vegetarian!And then we ended up eating the 'vegetarian' part of the meal first!

She and dad enjoyed the turkey; she pulled the leftovers apart and is taking some home and I'm giving the rest to dad. She froze it, so it will be fine. Then, as is her custom, she cooked the carcass, pulled bits of meat off it, added those to the broth from the cook carcass and chopped in some vegetables and pasta to make a wonderfully smelling turkey noodle soup. The broth and all made two quarts. I'll give it to my neighbor and to dad. We each added a bit of our own histories to the dinner. Sharing.

Friday we skipped the 'black Friday shopping' and drove across Grand Mesa where the sun sparkled on the foot or so of snow beside the road. There were only a few snowy spots on the road. We stopped to take pictures and look at the magnificent views. We came down the other side of the mountain to Cedaredge where we ate lunch at the Apple Shed, looked at the local art for sale. I took her briefly through Delta, up to my 'growing up' neighborhood and house, told her about my dad and his brothers having the lumber company and showed her where I went to grade school. Then we drove up to Montrose and to the Ute Museum. It was open, so we got to look at the Native American paraphernalia. We briefly stopped at Target to pick up more coffee (B is quite the coffee addict and drank up all I had on hand) and then drove home through the desert at dusk, arriving home in time to eat dinner made of yummy Thanksgiving leftovers. All total, we drove 190 miles Friday.

I had a wonderful time enjoying Colorado beauty with my friend. She is truly forgiving and truthful and laughs a lot. I needed that. I miss having my friends close by. I miss having my kids and grandkids close by. I think I've gotten buried in dad's negative attitude though I try so hard to shake if off. It colors everything I do and having B here helped dispel a lot of it like fresh cool air in my face.

I'm really tired, another side effect of having others in my house, but it was so worth it. Thank you, B, for putting up with my selfishness and forgetfulness. You are a true friend.

An Old Story

Years ago, when I worked in another state, one of our secretaries, a vibrant, beautiful young woman, fell in love with one of the other workers, a handsome, charismatic young man. They made a cute couple; I can't remember if they got married, but they moved in together and were expecting a child. My family offered them some furniture we could to without. I really hoped this young woman had found true happiness for her life. I'm always looking for a 'Cinderella' story!

Awhile later (remember this is an old story and my memory for time lines is diminishing), they separated and the man was the first person in that state to be imprisoned for intentionally passing on HIV...to several women.

Needless to say, this young woman died of Aids before her daughter entered kindergarten. I wonder about that young girl now; where is she, what is she doing, is she well?

What brought this up, you ask? I was watching NCIS about a similar case. Only my experience wasn't on TV. It was Real Life. It was Tragic.