Dutch Roots: Welkom!

Dutch Shoemaker
Singing Trio
Shriners
Taekwondo Kids
Youth church group singing beautifully
Carnival
Squaredancing in skirts embellished with tulips
Shuttle to airport with tulips
Kilts and bagpipes!
Neighboring high school bands
Street Fair
A "Whale" of a float

This weekend is a major holiday weekend for OH. They celebrate their Dutch roots with a parade, a carnival including rides and food, outdoor booths the length of main street selling everything from windows to elephant ears. Instead of the 'pinewood derby' race that I've been accustomed to for the kids, there is a 'klompen shoe race", where the kids paint little wooden shoes (a pair or single) and race them down a small wooden miniature 'canal' that's stationed in the middle of main street between all the vendor's booths. The booths are much the same thing one sees at any carnival: lots of homemade sweaters and hats, quilts, lots of Asian clothing in styles only very thin women can wear, baby clothing silk screened with cute pictures and sayings, glassworks, pottery, jewelry, leather bags. Items from Holland was the unusual local special. The one extraordinary booth was the older Dutchman making wooden shoes using hand tools. Amazing. Of course there was a accompanying booth with wooden clogs in all sizes, decorated or not.

This parade was much more appropriate to the town's enthusiasm, I think. There were bands (although I didn't see the local High School's band, I'm going to assume it was at the front of the parade, which I missed), a couple of 'floats', various children's groups represented such as Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Boys and Girls Club, Big Brothers/Big Sisters, lots of youth church groups, even a horseback therapeutic riding organization (which I was thrilled to know was available here on the island). There were some businesses, the classic cars and service organizations represented also. And a clown! Of course, the tail end of the parade, as in the Christmas parade, was the Pirate Ship (sans Santa but with fancifully dressed pirates). Finally I found out that the pirate ship is an advertisement/donation to parades from the Yacht Club. Lots of folks, mostly those in their 70's and up, were dressed in traditional Dutch costume.

I think the whole town as well as outlying areas attended, as there were cars parked everywhere. I'd gone to the laundromat to do laundry at 8:30 a.m. and when I got done at 10 a.m., it was bumper to bumper traffic to my apt. Weird to be in that kind of traffic here! I'm really glad I live close enough to walk to the festivities.

There was the proberbial entertainment stage at one end of main street with different music groups presenting. When I was there, a trio of ladies in traditional Dutch dress were warbling away on some really old tunes (I'm talking 1920-'40's here) with an older man acompanying them on a tuba. Young families and singles from the Navy wandered around getting food.

The tide had receded. The shore birds were nowhere to be seen with all the commotion going on. But it was sunny and warm and a perfect day for a parade and street fair. The natural beauty was still there beneath all the tawdry glitter which will be gone by Monday

I may buy a pair of soft slippers made to look like wooden shoes as a memento of this spring happening. They looked warm for next winter's cold in WW! And, of course, I couldn't leave before having drooled over and chewed up one elephant ear with cinnamon and sugar!

Sunday PS: Another glorious sunny day, though a bit too breezy. Watched the "Klompen shoe race." Cute! Was in the mood to buy, but didn't have much money with me. That's a good thing! Found two booths about opportunities for kids with special education. Can't wait to share it with my families.

Weekend Activities

I made vegan Manicotti. It was good, but more like tasting vegie lasagna.
Lilacs picked from an apparently abandoned garden in back of the apt. which I am going to have to take outside, as they are making me wheeze! What a sad state of old age!
Tulip Festival: The day was perfect. Sidebar: Tulips are not allergenic to me! Are they to anyone?

Going Down the Drain

The work week is finished. My emotions are drained. One of my assistants, with whom I thought our teaching processes were symbiotic, turned to sabotaging new strategies we tried on her favorite student. I'd pretty much followed her lead the whole year as she had been the 1:1 assistant for this kid for the previous 2 years. The kid is moving on next year and he needs a whole new set up to survive, even in a life skills class. So I contacted the coordinator to come observe and help us come up with a plan. She's best buds with the coordinator and that's when it all started to go downhill. Finally the tension between us was so thick you could, as the saying goes, cut it with a knife. It was affecting our teaching. So I had to talk to her. I hate this part of the job, because I'm so insecure as to want to say everything just perfectly so as not to hurt feelings, get my point across and yet, let my feelings be understood, too.....leaving our mutual respect intact. Not possible. I wanted to call her on it the day the behaviors became intolerable, but I waited till the next morning, to let my own feelings calm. I called her at home for us to talk privately when we arrived at school. She was all peaches and cream on the phone. Bluch. I tried to state the "I feel" thing, so as not to place blame. She simply said, "I'm not responsible for your feelings." Oh, how I wanted to deck her! She nit picked the little things, saying she wanted to be told what to do, which was denying the fact we'd worked so well together the rest of the year! I feel a lot less stress about the situation now, but realized today I was still probably reacting out of anger, rather than using logical thinking. I know she is still angry, too, as her behavior has improved in the classroom, but she refuses to 'chit-chat,' curtly says hello and goodbye and avoids eye contact unless absolutely necessary.

When I left River city I had to talk to our assistant there, as several other staff were complaining about her and I, too, had noticed some problems in her ability to handle the tasks. It was traumatic for both of us. She was a dear friend. I haven't heard from her at all.

All this makes me very wary about dealing with staff in yet another new setting. I know I can be very demanding and judgmental. Every day I have to pray about this in myself. I make an effort to get to know people on a personal level because then I come to love them for their souls and not the outward behavior. I guess that's why it hurts so much when issues arise. I always want to 'fix' things, and with my judgmental compartmentalizing, others don't see the same 'things' need to be 'fixed!' Ugh. Sometimes I just hate being me.

I distracted myself by house hunting and reading novels. Thank Heaven for the weekend!

Weighed and Measured

I spent the weekend, as you read, weighing the pros and cons of moving my life once again. The grandbaby won over the soul refreshing, salty ocean breeze, the tide going in and out, the sailboats in the sunset, bald eagles. .....Sigh..... I'll miss them. Trading them in for the sweet smell of new baby, wheat fields, colorful sunsets and hope for a better church community. I won't bore you with the list of all the pros and cons. But I turned in my resignation today. I hope it wasn't premature. I haven't signed a contract yet in WW, just have that verbal okay with all the paperwork in a pile in my living room. Despite all the idealistic thoughts about a life well lived, I fall far short. I only chase that ideal. I guess that is what spurs on the hope, unless I forget to take my antidepressant!

My leaving has produced some interesting transitional emotions and reactions in me and my workmates. My assistants have become a bit distant, as have I. Our patience with the kids and each other wears thin more easily. Of course, it is April, nearly the end of the year and all the goals for and work of finishing the school year well for the children is heavy on our hearts and in our hands. We are changing plans for some children and getting them ready for the next step in their educational experience. We have children just entering our program who need that extra boost from us to get them into the preschool routine. Some still need one on one to be successful and there aren't enough of us to go around. We're tired, the parents are stressed as many of them are being moved by the military in the next few months. Moving is difficult under the best of circumstances. Think of having a child (or children) with special needs, who have difficulty with day to day changes in routine and are 'dropped' into a subculture (and possibly language base) of another school, state, country! It would be like us trying to get out of a room with no doors! Feeling claustrophobic already? Yeah, me, too, as I think about moving once more.

Every thing of beauty I now see, I try to store in my memory. The bald eagle soaring over the school today. Warm misty sunshine at noon. Tulips so beautiful and abundant. Small town so easily traversed from one end to the other. Friends laughing, sharing, supporting each other.

Marching on. There's a Christian song that goes, "This world is not my home, I'm just a stranger here...." It keeps running through my mind as I make more changes in my life.

Oh, yeah. I know I Chose to make these changes. I'm still emotional and insecure about them. But I've found that staying stuck is even more painful and insecure, plus throws me into a deeper pit of depression. Depression? Oh, yeah. I could tell you stories. But I won't bore you. Just know that if any of you are struggling, you are not alone. And yes, change can be good and happy. (Okay that's enough sermonizing to myself.)

Spring Break Updates and Back to Reality

Guest room sign:
The end of my spring break was as glorious as the beginning but in a different venue. I went back to River City and thoroughly enjoyed catching up with friends, trying new make-up at a party and enjoying Saturday with my church friends and then the afternoon in a beautiful back yard catching up on the lives of more dear, dear friends! I feel rich indeed! It was just so great to see everyone! On my trip home, I saw four deer (two and two) eating the lush greenery beside the freeway. And when I drove past D-Bay, there in the field were a pair of huge bald eagles! I've never seen them on the ground like that before. I wondered if they were eating or mating. They seemed to just be sitting beside each other, enjoying each other's company. Some people had stopped to take pictures of them. I tried to, but my little camera didn't have enough telephoto to get a good shot.

Some of River City's profuse spring beauty!


Home again, reality hit. I have lots of school work to do, a repeat of packing to complete (I never completely unpacked), money to save (oh, sure), a new home base to find, and inexpensive sight-seeing to squeeze in before this year, too, is a memory.

And to greet me on return was a Northern Flicker pecking a hole in the side of my apartment wall. It definitely was like Chinese water torture and Lilo was very upset thinking someone was knocking on the door! Of course, upon relaying this info to the landlord, they just told me they couldn't kill the bird because it was an endangered species! WHAT! I don't want the bird killed! I just want him/her to stop pecking a hole into the side of my place! Good Grief! I suggested that perhaps there was a bug infestation that they'd like to take care of, as the bird was just getting his dinner! So they called pest control and now I have the hole covered and fluorescent pink streamers hanging from the side of my green box apartment. Hey, the bird is gone and safe, probably pecking on someone else's house! And my apartment? Well, its beginning to look more and more like a garrishly wrapped gift!

I will miss Oak Harbor. I hope to come stay here again, perhaps in retirement. It's a funky little place. I do see plans for city expansion and lots of condos going up, so it may not stay the funky little place I've enjoyed, but I can always hope. There's an underlying international culture with the Navy people coming and going, yet roots of the Dutch immigrants who farmed here remain, though their farms were displaced by the Navy when it moved in during the World Wars. I'll also miss the little "Mouse" and the friendship begun with Queenie and her hub-unit.

I'll just have to come back to visit, that's all. Maybe at tulip time....or in the summer to escape the heat! Okay, Queenie, you'll have to buy a house with a big guest room, so I can come stay (how long could you stand me?)

This month is the tulip festival with an "Eagle Run" (marathon) and "Holland Happenings" at the end of the month with parade (I can't wait to see how outlandish this parade will be, considering my experience of the Christmas parade!). It will be fun to observe and I might even walk the 5K. Not sure, yet. I haven't kept up on my exercise this year, so I'm not in good walking shape.

Okay, enough blathering. I'm so thankful for the weekend!

Another Fun Day

Our trip Sunday didn't turn out to be as warm as our one the day before, but it was fun, anyway. We rode one of the ferries as 'walk ons' which was quite cheap. A man gave a Celtic Harp concert on board (while having his CDs and DVDs available for sale). The concert was a delightful surprise. Upon landing, we walked around Port Townsend. Very interesting place. We had 'high tea' at an English Tea Room and Jean and Dave were quite thrilled to have people to talk to about England. I learned a lot about their excursions. It was great to catch up and learn a few 'English terms.' They enjoyed sharing memories with the proprietor at the tea room and in a few other small shops we browsed.

We ate a cold picnic on the pier. Not only was the picnic food cold, but the weather was cold, which made us cold. We finally gave up and headed for an indoor coffee shop to warm ourselves. All in all is was fun day, just cold! Jean and I identified even more shore birds. We had anticipated staying in town till sundown and then watching the sun as we rode the ferry back, but gave up about 6 pm, as it was rainy and all. We kept hoping to see whales and even considered a whale watching expedition, but they were too expensive for us!

I introduced Jean and Dave to a couple of vegan meals while they were here and they cooked for me a couple times as well! Ah. Friendship. The stuff life is made of.

Glorious! Idyllic.

What a wonderful day! The weather forecaster was wrong (ha!) and the day was calm and beautifully warm for a walk along the trails to look across at the San Juans, a stroll down the main street of the quaint little town, to watch hungry, winter-coat-shedding,black-tailed deer eagerly munching fresh, green spring grass, to smile at little bunnies nibbling that same sweet grass near the deer and to gaze at the gorgeous sunset over the sound. Oh, and to sit on the deck in the WARM SUN eating a cafe lunch while watching and labeling shore birds.

We found a wonderful B & B for friends to stay on another trip.

Idyllic.

The Week in a Blur

So much has happened in the last little while, ican't even remember when I last attempted to blog (without referring back to the actual blog). I've revised the old resume, sent it out, traveled to interview, come back to work many hours overtime to ready things for parent-teacher conferences and spring break and now have company from Portland! It's a wild ride some weeks.

And yes, I got the job in WW! So I'm moving again. Ugh and quadruple ugh. I'm wondering whether to just have a garage sale of EVERYTHING, donate the rest to the thrift store and be done with it. Trouble is, I know I won't have a scrap of money to buy ANYTHING when I arrive at my new place....a new place! Oh, no! I have to apt. shop again! Glug.

I also am wondering why I feel the need to wander the earth like this. Oh, I have my reasons..or excuses..whichever you'd like to name them, but, really, what's that underlying soul reason? There must be something that is making me wander. As my spring break begins, I begin to doubt leaving this area, though I've complained bitterly about it. Spring is nice, you know?
The time for seeing the 'sights' in the area have just begun and I decide to leave? What am I really thinking? Am I going nuts? Maybe I will be after my next move!

Here I go, again.

I can't believe it's the time of year I need to seriously think of where I want to work next year. There are a couple of possibilities and believe it or not, I have an interview the 26th in WW. I have doubts about this one, trying to second guess God and myself. It all seems to be too easy, just like the trip here, which ended up costing me an extra big bundle.

I really do want to retire in a small community like this, next to the ocean with clean air, simpler living. I don't like having to travel for an hour (or more) to get to a a major department store other than Walmart or Big K, or to have other recreation like concerts and the special program varieties that come through the big cities.

Yet, I'm still not convinced I want to live in the valley of the WW. But family is there. It will greatly depend on the job and housing and extra expenses.

Being here has forced me into cooking more if I continue to eat healthier on my vegan diet (which sadly, has disintegrated here!). In WW, I know there are a lot more readily available resources for that lifestyle.

I've missed spiritual fellowship here. There, I would have more opportunities.

Pros and Cons, pluses and minuses. One step at a time.

I think my life is a bit like a Scrabble game. Some play for points, some play for adventurous words. Some play for both..or there may be other combo's. I tend to play for the adventurous words and then don't do so well when points are added at the end. Even my adventurous words turn out to be not so adventurous sometimes. Sometimes I play for points only and feel like gloating at the end, but that's not what it's all about, is it?

Oh, I know, Hokey Pokey is what it's all about. Yeah, I forgot.
"Ya do the Hokey Pokey and
Ya turn yursef' around,
Thas' wha' it's all about!

Back to Tired, Boring: Repeat

Work is really busy. I've had 12 hour days and am still behind. The kids are really acting out and their allergies, which have all 'bloomed' don't help. They are either totally spaced out or acting out in the worst way. Stress is building as I try to get my resume revamped for a possible move and look at finances. When will I ever learn to handle my finances well? AARRGGHHH!!!!

I'm very, very, very thankful it is the weekend, but it goes by much too quickly. I'm thankful for family and friends' posts on their blogs and phone calls so I don't have to leave the house to catch up on news. Now, is that lazy, or what!?!

I'm frustrated with my stupid health insurance that they won't pay for my allergy meds! But, I'm thankful I have flex plan to cover it.

I'm frustrated that I can't seem to get my lazy a.. off the couch to go exercise and keep eating into oblivion. When will I ever get past "Living to eat" to "Eating to Live"? Seems between all the healthy meals I eat, I'm eating an exorbitant amount of junk food, which I am definitely sure, cancels out any of the healthy foods I eat. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Biggest decision of the day so far? Should I go to Curves or Walk? It is looking a lot like rain....wait, the couch is calling me. The day is still young, I still have time to decide.

Sunday Hope

Well, here it is Sunday. Barb was going to come visit this weekend and I was all excited, as her BD is coming up and I made vegetable Lasagna, bought an angel food cake with frozen yogurt and berries. (I'll eat the lasagna. The cake went into the freezer. Then, she got sick. Pout!

A couple of friends called me this weekend saying they just were 'sick and tired', depressed and feeling horrible. It's that time of year, isn't it? I ache for them. If I think about that too long, I, too, tend to go down that road. But right now, too much is going on to dwell too long on being depressed.

I'm going to be a Grandma (my heart sings that song to me often!) Work is busier this time of year. I'm nervous on the inside as I don't know whether I'll be working here next year or not. (I got a good evaluation review the other day, by the way). I'm nervous about getting my income tax done. BLah! I certainly hope I get a return and don't have to pay anything since I moved halfway through the year! I'm also concerned I need to do some professional development; go to a conference or something, and since this district deems professional development monies as frivolous, will have to pay for it myself...gulp. Where to get about $500 for a conference and lodging? Well, it will work out somehow. Trust. I have to Trust. So hard to do.

Spring is on its way (eternal hope), even though it was snowing last week. The days are longer and brighter. Oh, glorious spring! The downside: I had to buy more allergy pills, which my insurance didn't deem fit to pay for! Those buggers are expensive! Good thing I have a flexplan.

Thoughts running a maze through my brain. Many thoughts, varied thoughts, busy thoughts. Coffee...had some this a.m. Wahoo! I'm on a roll........I'm taking off, now. Up, up and away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Good Read

I've been reading Alan Alda's "never have your dog stuffed" about his life experiences. His wit and humor come through on every page! There were a few passages I found hit a home cord with my own study and experiences. The guy definitely looks at things from a different point of view and is brilliant! I quote here from pages 160-161:

"When I started out as an actor, I thought 'Here's what I have to say; how shall I say it?' On M*A*S*H, I began to understand that what I do in the scene is not as important as what happens between me and the other person. And listening is what lets it happen. It's almost always the other person who causes you to say what you say next. You don't have to figure out how you'll say it. You have to listen so simply, so innocently, that the other person brings about a change in you that 'makes' you say it and informs the way you say it.
"The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous. One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed. Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I'm willing to let them change me, something happens between us that's more interesting than a pair of dueling monologues. Like so much of what I learned in the theater, this turned out to be how life works, too."

And then, when he was doing the "Scientific American Frontiers" series, he learned a lot about how the brain works and why he had reactions to things in life that reminded him of his relationship/nonrelationship with his mother who was mentally ill with schizophrenia. He began to understand her reactions to life and learned a few things about himself as well. He also gained knowledge and understanding of, as he termed it, 'the madness of dreams'. It's too long to quote here in full but here's a bit of it. Pages 188-190 describe what he learned about the brain and dreams. Here is a summary from page 189-190:

"The amygdala, the part of the brain that is so important to registering emotions and is crucial in laying down longlasting memories, is also active in dreaming."

This next part is a quote he took from a copy of "Nature":

"This is relevant for our understanding of the heightened emotions--especially the feelings of anxiety, anger and elation--that so commonly dictate the development of the dream plot...An abnormal sensitivity to dopamine is thought to mediate psychosis and its unmodulated action in REM may contribute to the madness of dreams."

He talks about how his dreams are so vivid; he remembers them for years and ends the discussion with this:
"I woke up after this dream with a pounding heart. I knew I was alive, but in the twilight between sleep and waking, the dream was still real...
" Now, not only did I know what it was like to be her, [his mom] I realized that I actually go through a version of her madness every night when I dream--especially when my dreams stir me with fear and anxiety. She must have felt that same sense of helplessess, except that eventually, I would wake up to a world that seemed right again, but she never would."

The book is full of serious and funny. Okay, there's my book report for the year. :o)

Relish

I relish Fridays because I know Friday night is coming with two days to rest from school. Oh yes, teaching is still my soul work, but I'm worn out by the end of the week! Come on, you are too!

I made my own mayo tonight; Mmmmmm a wonderful relish!

The sun came out two days this week and we got to play outside. I relish these warm respites!

Lilo has been relishing sitting outside on the porch and whines if she doesn't get a daily dose!

I relish living in this beautiful place and have these gut feelings that I may be leaving it for next school year. I am ambivalent as to whether I want to leave or not. I do not relish change, but know it is what gives life its ultimate Relish!

Is that enough relish? If not,

Relish, relish relish. :o)

Sitting on Joy

It's been a couple of weeks since I last blogged. This last weekend my children, sans SIL, came to visit. It was their first time to see my abode here in OH. We actually had room for a little privacy without tripping over each other and all our belongings constantly!

I laughed as they unpacked and plugged in....laptops, cell phone chargers, digicameras. I live such a simple life! It is both exciting and sad as I find them in my lifespace again. I feel more a part of 'what's happening', yet sad that I am not usually in that mainstream....sort of off on a tributary.

We enjoyed each other's company and I watched as they took part in a friend's wedding ceremony. My children. My grown up adults.....still my children. I ache when they ache, I cry when they cry, I laugh when they laugh and feel joy at their successes that only a mother understands. I fear for them, never wanting them to hurt, be ill, have sorrows. They are part of my flesh and blood, my soul. Yes, even my DIL and SIL. They have become part of me, too, because they are such integral, intimate parts of my flesh and blood children.

And I have been sitting on monumental news for two days, not knowing exactly what to do with it. Should I share it? Should I hug it close to my heart safely, quietly, as a mother bird protects her eggs or as a mother hen hides her chicks under her wings?

So, slowly I began to share it. I called my two closest friends in River City and let them know. They were thrilled.

I am going to be a grandmother!

I question how I can let my own 'mother fears' go and be joyously happy, positive and yet honest to share what I know about the process. I want to be supportive, to be able to share experience and give advice only when wanted, to not interfere, yet be there in the midst of the joy and happenings.

I was shocked when I was first told. Now, as I write this, my eyes fill with tears. Cliche: circle of life. What a wild journey life is. After all these years of wondering why I was born, perhaps I know now and I am grateful.

Thanks, kids, for being you.

Can't Help it: One more Nature Walk

Walking is my meditation, my joy, my freedom, my brainstorming time. Today I walked in the brilliant sunshine, with temperature in the upper 40's.

It's early spring....may I dare say it?
Early lavendar crocuses
More ducks than ever,
Ruddy ducks,
Mallards,
Pintail duck (perhaps)
Northern Shoveler (perhaps)
Kingfisher is back!
Sea Gulls of at least 2 varieties
Buffleheads
Great Blue Herons
Flicker
And, of course, Robins

And that's just what I could identify. The tide was out and the birds were foraging along the multitude of barnacles, mussels and clams in the sand and on the rocks.

Even the beach rocks were brilliantly dazzling in the sun. Dried off at home, they are less than brilliant, but I'll add them to my collection; some from OH.

Children on skates.
Dads swinging with their children.
Moms holding toddlers.
Happy laughter.
Baggy, dropped-trousered teen boys trying to bar-b-que.
Teen girls strutting in short skirts. (Brrr)
A football being tossed
Dogs trying to break free from their leashes to R U N!
Spring!

Faith.

I guess its my age, but I go through periods of reflection and have been thinking a lot about faith recently. Faith in my life is a result of the experiences I've had with God. The results add up to show that He has guided and protected my life; and I use that to know, that beyond this life on earth, there is life eternal. A perfect life without its ugly side, if I daily choose to live on God's side of this cosmic war.

I don't really know where or when I started building faith. At my mother's death, a lady came to me to relay that she had picked me up and taken me to Sabbath school when I was small. I do remember being in the children's kindergarten department. I don't remember my mother accompanying me. But I remember I liked being there.

Fast forward: Vacation Bible School was a summer highlight for my sister and I. I looked forward to it. Sometimes my mother helped out.

In sixth grade, my best friend asked me to come to her church with her...the Episcopal church. I liked singing in their choir (they wore those white capes with big black bows). They had a marvelous play of Jesus' birth in which all the kids got to play a part and then a party afterward. I remember loving to be in the play, but never getting to be the angel Gabriel. I remember receiving what my heart desired at the party afterward...a gumball machine! We used the same penny over and over to get at the gumballs! I remember my bitter embarrassment and 'shame' when I took part in communion when I was not supposed to, as I was not baptized and 'confirmed'. All the adults were whispering about my 'sin.' I stopped going.

I attended my own church once in awhile and as a teen, began to help with VBS in the summers. Mom, even though she was a 'stay at home mom' didn't take me anywhere, I walked. It was a small town; it was great.

When I was a freshman in high school I was invited to join the 'International Order of Rainbow for Girls' (I didn't know my church forbade joining secret organizations), so I did. Part of the initiation ritual ceremony was to promise to "Seek a religion that sought to enlighten rather than to enslave". That thought really hit home. By this time, I'd visited plenty of churches in town with my friends. Episcopal, Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist, Church of Christ, and we lived right behind the Latter Day Saints (Morman) church, so I saw their comings and goings. I really couldn't understand a lot of what was taught in those other churches and never felt very welcomed.

Now, granted, I sometimes dreaded going to the grocery store, as I often ran into one of my church's children's teachers there who always prompted me to come to church. I didn't like her, but she kept me thinking, anyway!

At home, on weekends, dad worked till noon, or sometimes all day on Saturday. Sunday was his day off, but never really did anything with his family. He worked in the yard, puttered in his tool shop, always doing/making something to make life better for us. He was grouchy, cussed constantly, and seemed miserable. I tried to stay away from him most times.

Sometimes he wanted us all to go camping on the weekends and that was fun. He expected my mom to have Everything packed and ready to go when he came home at noon on Saturday so he could pack the car or jeep and we'd be off to the mountains. This was no fluffy camping trip like so many have now. This was in a WWII jeep, canvas tent, sleeping bags, food cooked over a campfire. Bathroom facilities were hiding behind a tree somewhere. We were very 'elite' when we purchased a campstove and folding table on which to assemble meals!

Anyway, part of my youthful rebellion was to go to church Saturday mornings and not help Mom pack to go camping. She never asked me to help her. I think she clung to the bits of faith she had and wanted me to have some to help get me through life. Those words of 'enlightening rather than enslaving' were still rolling around in my mind. Now those of you who have been SDA's all your life may look at this and shudder, but my family was very controlling and restrictive and confining. School was my outlet, my place of refuge, though I was not popular, had only a few friends, but did well academically and rallied in that. I'd early on decided no one, not even my dad, could take away my thoughts.

Through that time, I became more and more of a regular church goer. I was fortunate to have two adults who taught the youth bible lesson to inspire me during those years. One was a retired teacher and one was a doctor in town. They showed me the truths of the Bible, and Jesus. He became a real part of my life.

I decided not to attend Friday night school ball games and activities with my friends because the Sabbath I decided to celebrate began at sundown Friday evening. I stayed home in my bedroom, actually reading parts of the Bible. My dad would come into my bedroom, turn on my radio to the school game, tell me the scores, then leave. I'd turn off the radio and go back to reading. He did this 3 or 4 times during these times of quiet I tried to make for myself. He never understood why I was the way I was. Part of it was teenage rebellion. Part of it was my finding a better way, an escape from the anger and rage at home and the social rejection I received at school. So church and academics became more and more important to me. As I learned my talents and strengths I did have opportunity to be a leader. In Rainbow, I became the 'president' of our group and with good adult tutelage, did a good job. I made more friends at school, until I was included in the 'seconds' popular group...thanks to my best friends for helping me get in with them. We had good, wholesome fun, didn't date much. I still went to church and tried to get in with the few youth there, but they were a clique unto themselves.

When college time came, I wanted to go away to a church college, but my parents would not hear of it. I was to attend the local community college. My dad wanted me to live in the dorm. I dreaded that, as I didn't drink, smoke or carouse and didn't like those activities. I'd been around enough of it. When it came down to the time to apply, the dorm was already full and I lived with my dear aunt who attends my church. With a $1000 scholarship, I was able to pay her a monthly stipend for living there and all my books and tuition. There just happened to be several kids my age from my church going to the community college that year, as well. There were wonderful youth leaders in the church. I had an absolutely marvelous year and grew in faith. It was faith that got me to live with my aunt. We were all praying about it (my aunt and I). My aunt had originally offered to have me stay with her, but my dad, in his more than colorful language said no...over his dead body! Well, my mom was even scared to tell my dad there was 'No room in the dorm". But dad relented without much say. It was the first answer to prayers of that year. There were many more that followed.

At the end of that year, I wanted, more than ever, to attend one of our church's colleges. I applied to three that were each about 1000 miles from home, but in different parts of the country. One in CA, one in WA, and one in NE. I bargained with God, that the first one I heard from that accepted and had a job for me would be the one I'd attend. Well I did hear from NE first, but their paperwork was so difficult, I took the second one in WA. (I often wonder how my life might have been different if I'd attended NE.) Then, I didn't know how I'd get there. I'm not into hitchhiking, but I knew my dad wouldn't take me either, as he was very gruff about my attending anything having to do with religion. So, I wrote my parents and told them that if they wouldn't take me, that I would find my own way (secretly I knew that one of the friends I'd made that year in church was going back and I could ride with him). After much prayer and tears and worry on my part, my parents said they'd gladly take me.....I definitely think it was an answer to prayer as dad was so adamant about my not going to a church sponsored college! Faith, growing again! They took a 2 week vacation to bring me to the NW. Amazing, huh. Of course, I wasn't very nice, as they stopped at every little road sign. This was the third vacation my family had ever taken. Our 'vacations' were weekends camping.

Attending college in WA was amazing as I learned more about my church, its history and basis for its faith. I thrilled to listen to such a large congregation sing hymns together, to sing glorious songs in the choir, to be inspired by good speakers. To have Christ included in nearly all my classes. To have Christian concern for my welfare. I felt safe, I felt happy. I felt in control of my own destiny. God was answering my prayers and bringing me to Him.

Now don't think I didn't make stupid decisions as time went on, or that it was all perfect there. It wasn't. For example, my first roommate had an affair with the Spanish teacher and when I arrived back at school after Christmas vacation, she had moved me out of 'our' room and left all my belongings in the hallway.

I had come from a very controlled family to a very controlled college environment. From there I went into a pretty controlling marriage. I didn't really start making a lot of my own life decisions until I divorced......another chapter with its own pluses and minuses.

But God still leads me, still reminds me I am His. I believe He is preparing a home for me and all I have to do is make it through this life to make it to Him. I have two children whose very presence has helped me grow into a better adult with more faith. Without my precious two children (who are so grown up now!) my priorities would most likely have been very, very selfish and my faith would be lost. Sometimes I worry that my faith is shrinking even now, but then God brings himself close to me and shows me I am still His.

Through previous experience with Him, I know that when I feel most alone here on earth, He is with me to help me through to the next moment in time, wiser and more full of hope and Faith. Do you have a history of Faith? Are you making one now?

Saturday

Today was one of those days I managed to get up, wander to the sofa with a book, eat, and then nap, read and eat again. At 4 p.m. I am finally up and feeling energetic, but what to do? Don't want to do laundry, clean house. It's too late to take a walk, though today was sunny and windy and probably a good day to walk. For some reason this week exhausted me. There was nothing unusual about it, really.

I committed myself to providing lunch for my two assistants on Monday and now I am panicking as to what to make. One assistant said the thing she likes least is pizza... Of course that was the first thing I thought of providing! I want to make them something they'll enjoy, but I don't think they'd like any of the vegan dishes I make. Remember awhile back I talked about our pot luck where nearly every single dish had sausage on/in it? Well, I don't think my vegie sausage would be appreciated! So, does anyone have any ideas for me?

I think buying them lunch would probably be cheaper than buying a bunch of ingredients I don't usually buy...at the end of the month when my grocery money is very slim.......ahem, was I just stupid, or what? Duh.

I've been glancing at my other favorite blogs and I think those people have dropped off the face of the earth, as it has been WEEKS since they've made entries. Come on folks, put yourself Out There!

Doc Hollywood

I don't know why i enjoy this movie, but I do! Over and over....and that's saying something, because I don't have many movies I would watch as reruns!

More January Pictures

Heron on post keeping his (her?) feet dry


Kiddie pool covered in ice and snow

Boredom Abated

I always wonder what to title my posts. I'm not good at being witty. Last night I was so bored, I went to Walmart (laugh here) and bought 3 $5.50 DVDs and one I found for a buck. Then I came home and watched one. Felt the boredom lifting. Buying DVDs just seems like such a luxury to me, but as my dear son said, "It's better to buy the cheap DVDs that to rent them because I end up paying late fees, too." Well, I often have had to do that, so I went with his philosophy. The buck one is entitled, "A Place to Grow" starring Wilford Brimley...okay, okay. It had the main theme of the farmers losing their farms to big business...of course the love story was interwoven into the main theme. The $5 ones were "Little Women" with Susan Saradon, "Fly Away Home," the story about the father and daughter who used their gliders to help some Canadian geese migrate south. I have seen the film before and it's a good one about preservation of our nature reserves. Then the last one is "The Adventures of Milo and Otis." I can hear you all laughing now, saying things like, what a wus (I don't even know how to spell that one: I even checked my dictionary!)! But the films are just right for escapism. Isn't that what movies are for?

Today the sun, the sun, the sun!!!!!!!!!! My main goal was to get out there in it, no matter how cold! I waited till 1 p.m. and took about a 1 1/2 hour walk along the beach front. It was W o n d e r f u l! Many townspeople were there also. Temperature registered at 32 degrees F. There was also the middle schooler with only his t-shirt and jeans, skin bright red from the cold. Dumb kid. Obviously his parents never taught him hot/cold or how to care for himself. When I got home, I picked up my camera and drove back to the beach to take some pictures, so there will be evidence that one week beyond the snowstorm, there is still snow!



Birds standing on ICE!