Week's Reflection

BRrrrrr. I tried to keep from turning the heat on, but by Tuesday it was into the 40's at night and only into the low 60's during the day, so I turned on the bathroom's heater. Wednesday the nighttime temps dropped into the 30's and only rose into the 50's so on came the living room heater. During the week Lilo had been more and more interested in sitting on me as I rested on the couch in the evenings. Now some would think that she was a very affectionate cat....well,perhaps, but she really was just cold! Now that the heat is on, the 'cuddling' has abated! In the morning I opened the door a crack for Lilo to go out for her morning grass munch and she just stood at the door looking out as though the weather change was a slap in the face to her. She crouched down just inside the door on the rug with her little nose poked out. Well, this didn't set with me, as the incoming air was Cold, so I shut the door. Lilo just walked away, as though she was insulted. Right now she is curled on my chest as I try to sit in my easy chair and write this blog. Purrrrrrrrr.

I'm tired. I had a very busy week at work with extra reports to write. In the evenings I seemed to be going into the hibernating mode, as on two evenings, I was in bed by 7 p.m.

Speaking of work: the Queen of Mean gave me kudos on Friday for having better communication with my colleagues. So what have I consciously done? I smile and say, "I'm fine." to whoever asks. I tried to make small talk with the two people on my team who think I'm nasty. Basically 'kissing butt.' The Queen said that it just takes time to get things in place for the team to run smoothly and perhaps I was ahead of my time. I wished I'd had a tape recorder! Of course she said all this when there were no witnesses.

I do feel better about my job this year, as just being familiar with the environment and the general workings of the place make it easier to function. Of course, I have great assistants who take care of lots of classroom details for me. I've actually been able to plan more curriculum. My mentor finally got a schedule together for us and those meetings are actually productive! Why they didn't do this last year is beyond me! I truly believe I've just been a catalyst for the district to put several things in place that I complained loudly about last year: safety of kids, formatting forms, agenda and notetaking during meetings, making a preschool handbook and calendar for parents,etc.

On the other hand, my prayer through the years is that I would become a kind, thoughtful, gentle older woman, rather than a bitter, cynical one. Perhaps I've become so overly focused on survival that I've lost the ability to just be friendly....which was never easy for me, as I have few friends, but they are honest and true. So maybe I needed this angst in my life to make me take notice and make some internal changes for the better. I look for something good personally to come from it all.

I'm thankful to have a job at this point in our country's history. I'm going to hang in there for awhile and not look for more change for awhile...remember these are my thoughts for THIS week.:o)

My grandbaby's first birthday is this Tuesday and we are having a big family party on Monday evening, as his other grandma, auntie and cousin will be here. It should be fun and the only ache is that ACE cannot be here to share family, too.

I need to get on with my day, but my joy is resting on Sabbath and having my own time on the weekends.

Happy Sabbath!

Portland or Bust

Busted! I had very high hopes of leaving town for a three-day weekend(I even arranged a day off work!),getting dr. appts out of the way, seeing wonderful fall foliage in the Gorge and visiting 'old' friends. Thursday after school, having straightened the house, made my list and prepared my classroom assistants for what to accomplish on Friday, I took my car to get the oil changed. The mechanic informed me (you can see this coming, can't you?) that the water pump was leaking. The water pump is connected to (directly influences..or some such) the timing belt (leg bone connected to the thigh bone). Now I've had enough experience with cars to know that if the water pump is leaking, 'you ain't goin' very far;' and I've had enough experience with Hondas that if the timing belt breaks, you could ruin your engine big time. So, because I really, really, really wanted to get out of town, I debated about chancing the drive to Portland and having my car fixed at my previous garage there; I even checked it out. Same price, no state tax! Then I debated the issue more with my daughter and a friend and decided no, it wasn't wise to chance getting stuck in the Gorge, even if I do have roadside assistance. The first pacific storm of the season was to settle in and rain/wind in the Gorge can be pretty wild.

So, you guessed it. I cancelled my trip, rescheduled my appointments, and took my car in Friday to a local garage to have it fixed. Of course, the money issue made my stomach churn. This month my paycheck did include about $300 from extra training days before school started, but I was still in trouble. I just ask myself, will it ever end? Will I ever be able to handle my finances and not live paycheck to paycheck? Look how old I am and I am still learning this lesson! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! Thankfully, my dad, who despite his emotional blackmail for monies given, covered my car expense without too much lip.

And these are the kinds of situations that make me crazy that I can't reciprocate to my own children when they need monetary assistance. I do have so much love and want to be there for them when they need me. To my family in TN, I ache because I can't be there to lessen your burdens more!

So here I am. I am glad I didn't drive the Gorge as the rain is heavy and the winds are wild. Lots of thunder and lightning here. Instead of looking for O's BD gift in Portland, I ordered it online; not nearly as much fun, but I think I got a decent price. CBP and I are going to shop in tricities tomorrow to make up for my not being able to go to Portland. (I hate paying state tax on everything I buy, but I really like not having to pay state income tax at the end of the year. I suppose it evens out in the end.)

I rented a movie tonight "August Rush". Its a feel good movie with tears. If you love music and 'happily ever after families', I suggest it. Off to bed.

Sunday Morning Breakfast w/Recipe

One of my favorite times of the week is that quiet, unhurried Sunday morning when you luxuriate over a big, homemade breakfast. Even living alone, I enjoy doing this, though my menu has shrunk and changed over the years. Growing up, we made fried eggs and bacon swimming in melted Crisco, pancakes or special treat waffles, syrup from melted brown sugar, butter and water. There was usually orange juice and canned fruit from the cellar of the previous summer's harvest. Whole, raw milk from a local farmer, and coffee for the folks. Often homemade jams and jellies accompanied the feast. The kitchen was warm, people relaxed and happy.

As a young child, we often enjoyed Sunday morning breakfast with minor changes in menu, in a nearby town, where both grandmas lived. After visiting the ill grandma; we'd cross town to the other who fixed us and her clan breakfast. She had often worked as a short order cook. There was childish play with cousins, the content of which has long since left my memory while smells of strong coffee, fried foods and pancakes filled the room. It was a happy interlude among the intense arguments, cussing and name calling that inevitably ensued among the adults. It's good that the negative memories lessen and change to positive ones as we grow older!

As my own children grew up, I remember having this Sunday repast on Friday evenings. Pancakes, waffles with peanut butter and applesauce, some syrup and veggie bacon/sausage were often on the menu with local drive-in dairy milk. Did we have fruit? I can't remember. It was filling, comfort food and easy clean up after a busy, tiring week. A comforting way to help usher in the Sabbath. I hope my children have happy memories of that.

Now, I still love those comfort foods, though my favorite are waffles. Recipes have changed over the years. I make them vegan/whole grain now and still accompany them with veggie bacon, which I recently discovered is Not vegan. Oh well. My favorite topping is natural applesauce with a dribbling of real maple syrup on top (okay I like sugar!). I have succumbed to, on cool fall, winter days, a cup of Kona Vanilla Macadamia Nut coffee, made mocha with my own mix of organic cocoa powder, organic sugar and soy milk. Today, I had a fruit compote of pineapple apricots over my waffles. Mmmmmm. The apricots I picked last month from a neighbor's tree who was just letting the fruit fall to the ground.....what a waste! I cooked them down and froze a few jars of the stuff. Not much, but it's wonderful. Of course the waffles are heart-shaped, baked on the waffle iron my grown children gave me with love. It just makes me happy! We all need these little things in our lives to make us feel good about life and ourselves.

Now that my little O is old enough to eat table food, I hope we'll be able to share this time/food together often.

Easy-Tasty Vegan Oat-Nut Waffles

Prep time: 5 minutes
Bake time: 8-10 minutes
Makes 4 4-inch spare waffles

2 c. water (or milk..soy, almond, etc)
1 1/2 c. rolled oats (or 5 grain rolled grain cereal)
1/2 c. sliced almonds or raw washed cashews
1/3 c. whole grain flour (oat, rice, whole wheat pastry, etc)
1 T flaxseed (optional)
1 t. sweetener (optional)
1 t. lemon juice
1 t. vanilla
1/2 t. salt

Whiz in blender on medium/high until mixture is nice and smooth (1-2 minutes depending on power of blender). Pour into preheated waffle iron. Bake 8-10 minutes. Do not check on waffles for done-ness. Mine bake in 5-6 minutes on my smaller waffle maker. Believe me, they are yummy and have NO cholesterol!!!

Here's to Sunday mornings!

Thank You God for Weekends!

After this week, I am so thankful there is a God who cares enough for me to get me away from the world for one day out of six and gives me something wonderful to hope for. Hebrews 11:1.

Happy Sabbath!

Post-Observation

Ever been told by a supervisor that "responses to some emails and to verbal comments have been perceived as curt, insensitive and sarcastic...go through your building principal for all communication..."? It cut me to the core and had absolutely nothing to do with the principal's classroom teacher observation.

Poverty

Heard in church today: "The worst type of poverty is loneliness."

Interesting comment considering my morning blog thoughts. The pastor talked about how our "American Dream" has turned us to iSolation(yes, spelled that way). We want to build individual islands of utopia (with our perfect homes, big churches) and then keep out the rest of the world...the opposite of what Jesus instructed and demonstrated for us to do.

Here in WW there are all kinds of poverty; my school is 'the school of poverty' for the community. My home is on the fringe of an area of immigrant (illegal?) poverty. There is poverty of openmindedness. There is race poverty. There is rain poverty. :o) There is hunger. There is poverty of good parenting. There is a poverty of loneliness to newcomers of the community.

I guess as my job feels insecure, our country's financial back breaks and retirement age looms for me, I wonder what the future holds. Loneliness, homelessness, health problems, dementia or the opposites? Of course, I think of getting my own needs met first, then reaching out. Needs vs. wants. How did Jesus teach? His mission was to die for us, but is that what He requires of us? To be so committed to some mission that we give our lives for it? Did he teach balance or is that another 'American Dream' that is more iSolationist?

The political theory of Isolationism is not new for our country. It's written in its history. And as a Christian, what is my response to it?

Walking down a crowded city street or bumping elbows on public transportation, we can be in isolation, lonely. I'm not talking about being alone. I'm talking about feeling lonely. There are millions of us out there and we all feel lonely at times. Do we recognize that God is always with us? That at our loneliest times GOD IS WITH US?

I've recognized God with me in my most agonizing moments of life. That's what keeps my inner smile. Sometimes my outward life tries to overtake that surety, but when I take 'time out' to reflect on God, I smile again. I'm not lonely, even when I'm alone. Do I still struggle? Sure. Do I doubt? Sure, shamefully. But I know in my deepest soul that God will see me through somehow to His home. He's been with me through all these years. I just have to hang in there. So I continue.

Are you lonely?

What about today?

Suppose you had your basic needs supplied and you didn't have to worry about them much: enough money for water/food, clothing, shelter, utilities. What would you do with your time today?
___work more
___play video games/watch TV
___put away the computer to interact for real
___drink
___get depressed
___go out more
___have a party
___eat
___cry
___laugh
___work less
___play more
___give someone a helping hand by asking them if they want help
___be an entrepreneur: start a business or nonprofit org.
___go back to school to learn a new trade
___take classes in something you've always wanted to learn
___see a counselor
___spend more time with your spouse/kid(s)
___write a book
___play an instrument
___take a hike
___go for a swim
___work out
___sleep 8 hours straight
___sleep more than 8 hours straight
___ be a Big Sister/Big Brother
___Volunteer in your community and/or church
___share a cup of coffee/tea/water/food with neighbors
___call a far away friend
___forgive someone who's hurt you (harder than you might think!)
___garden; mow grass; pull weeds
___plant a tree
___pick up trash even if you didn't make it
___Let go of 'things'; simplify
___paint a room
___make that doctor's/dentist's appt you've been putting off
___join a club (art, music, book,etc)
___pray
___supply one needy soul what s/he needs
___reflect/meditate for 1 hour
___Your own choice

Do what God has put in your heart. He tells us to seek Him First and he will grant us the desires of our hearts.

Life's a bitch

Yesterday I sent an email to my mentor asking her what the plan was for mentoring me this year (this because the principal had asked me how my mentoring was going.....there's been none). So, my mentor stopped by my classroom today and said that she and the Sped director and the assoc sped director had finished editing the plan and as soon as the principal came back from vacation and checked it over, that she'd share it with me. Okay, this mentoring is all about sped and nothing to do with the principal. Another power ploy by the principal to try to control every move I make. She's already told me that the director and my mentor have concerns over my still emailing 'everyone' (those three) when I have concerns, questions. I've come to the place where I think that no matter what I do, they'll find a way to get rid of me. I've made too many waves and tipped the WW-way boat. So, if any of you have any ideas about what I might do for my next job or career, please let me know. Remember to realize my age and that my energy level is not up to what it was 10+ years ago.

I'd prefer retiring and just being a happy grandma, but my financial situation is not at that state.

Pray for me, okay?
I'd add pictures of happy moments, but my camera disappeared (I think it was stolen). It was new, too!!! Dang it!

Okay, so I do still have a solid roof over my head and food in my tummy and 1/4 tank of gas till the end of the month. I shouldn't be complaining, right?

A Weekend to Heal my Bruised Spirit

This last week was the first week of school with the children in class, although staff has been at school for 3 weeks. There were the numerous changes in phones, residences, custodial parent, and of course, the one new child whose grandmother really does the parenting and will not let her grandchild in class without her being present because he needs so much help! I look at children so differently now that I've been a teacher a few years and have my own grown children and wee grandchildren. I understand the grandmother's concerns, but I also know children do fine when they are given a good structure and are nurtured positively. I know I do that in the classroom.

Which brings me to the end of my week which was horrendous, as my principal brought up old stuff from last year, saying I still had not clued in that she didn't think I 'got' it. She says I'm doing the same thing, insubordination in her eyes, this year giving me a really hard time with that syrupy sweet way of hers. She would knife a person in the back given a chance if they crossed her, went around her or over her head. My overall impression is that she thinks I've done that, because when I send out an email question, I include, her, the district's special services director and the Early Childhood coordinator/my mentor. She wants me to ONLY email HER. She says it causes too much confusion and everyone emailed starts working on the issue I present. She says SHE is the one who can solve the problem. After all, hasn't she given me everything, 'Everything' I've asked for? I email others because I'm trying to be a 'team member', but this district doesn't work that way. It's a 'top down' system and boy, you'd better adhere to it. I was taught about team players, working together to solve problems, even with the administration at my former job.

I just may not last here, as really, when you take a job, the success of it pretty much depends on whether you make a good fit into their philosophy system and get along with supervisors. Obviously, I'm not doing that too well.

The principal and I did come to some agreement as to ways we could encourage some teamwork, so we'll see if it happens. No doubt, she'll just say, 'Look, this is the way we're going to do it, so get with it." No way will she involve everyone in the process so the whole team feels invested in making good changes happen.

I had to take the weekend to heal my spirit and get past being hurt and make a plan to thwart her efforts to destroy my employment. I am angry now, and could go on and on with name calling and blaming, but I won't. Just send up prayers for me as I try to take the 'high road' every day.

Because this is my second year here, I was feeling positive and more comfortable in my space and with the job. Even the meetings and busy week had not totally done me in until she got to me on Friday afternoon. It is good that she is gone this next week. She even announced it over the intercom during the day's announcements that she would be gone on an Alaska Cruise with her parents as they celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. Why would she need to announce that to the whole school? That's her personal life and has nothing to do with her job other than she will be gone. It really doesn't change anything at school as a current staff member, who also has her administrative license, takes over as principal for her. Ego, all ego, making sure she stays the front and center diva. Oh, woops, I wasn't going to name call.

It took me all summer to settle in and feel ready to return to school. I enjoyed my darling grandson, finally finished getting my garden soil prepared and transplanted a few plants. I have a vine that came up by itself that looks like it is growing watermelons, but we'll see. The 'melons' are light/dark green striped, oval in shape and about as big as a football right now.

The first of August, I had a garage sale with a friend from River City and I think someone stole my new camera. I had it out taking pictures of little O and since that time I can't find it. Makes me so mad at myself for leaving it out for even a few minutes!And even less trustful of my neighbors, who were the ones who came to the garage sale. The garage sale was on one of the hottest days of the year and not many people came, but we made it okay and had enough to go out to eat.


Okay, that's me up to now. i worked extra for CEO to afford my 'new' laptop and boy do I love it! So I'm able to return to blogging and, and, and.

At last!

I have internet at home and a laptop! Oh, wonder of wonders! It is "mawv'lus"! I'll write a long blog probably this weekend with the latest news of the genius children and grandchildren I have and my latest life philosophies. I'm Back!

August

Summer time flows by and I've had lots of time to just 'be'. I have taken only one short trip to OH and that was fun. I've not gone to River City or anywhere. Can you believe I only fill my car's gas tank once a month, I drive so little? That doesn't mean I walk a lot, either. Just means I'm not going anywhere.

I have been working little by little in making garden spaces in my back yard. It takes forever to clear the grass and weeds, till the soil. I finally was able to afford some compost which I will be tilling in over the next two weeks. C&E have a couple rhodys and rose bushes I'm going to transplant to my place, as they are gearing up to do their landscaping. That's not much, but the ground will be ready next spring for whatever I decide! I put a tomato plant in a pot and it has two tiny ones growing. My yellow squash is not looking too well, my salad greens will be ready to cut in a couple weeks. In the flower garden on the side of the house, I let a plant grow that didn't look like a weed. Well, it is a squash of some sort, maybe even a pumpkin vine, who knows? It is very alive, growing big and lush. It will be fun to see what comes of it.

I turned another year older this month. Only one year till I'm the big six-zero. It's hard to fathom that I've spent so much time on this earth. I feel like I'm just starting to figure out life; not fret about my place in it and just enjoy the days. Especially these lazy, hazy days of summer!

I've gone to the school to look things over and now my mind is running on ideas to implement when school starts the end of this month. I can't believe it is nearing time for school to start again. I always hope to maintain the sanity I regain in the summer, but that only lasts a few weeks, and then I'm walking the treadmill that continually tries to throw me off by its irratic pace. I think I stated how happy I was to note that the admin actually purchased many of the classroom items I'd wanted, even though, last spring, I highly doubted that would happen.

My precious O is growing and changing constantly. It is a miracle to watch his typical development. I continue to think him a genius! I continually miss seeing all these little milestones develop in my Memphis babe. And I miss all my Memphis family more than words can say!

This weekend I am spending the nights at E&C's, as they have taken a little romantic trip to the city (E surprised C with it!) I'm caring for little O and figured he'd do much better sleeping in his own bed. When he naps at my place, he cries himself to sleep and then when he wakes, he cries again. I think he's just not used to it, as he doesn't sleep there much. I often baby sit at E&C's as it is just easier. The house is baby proofed and all his things are here!

Thus I have access to the computer tonight. C was kind enough to leave it for me.

Me, tired.

Getting over it

Well, I said was feeling under the weather? Well, I must have been fighting it for a week and then it hit! Thursday night and Friday were not days I want to remember. Thankfully my lovely daughter brought electrolytes and some meds from the doc and this evening I am feeling much better, although I don't travel too far from a water closet!

I really, really miss having a computer! I didn't realize how much I used the internet to randomly look up stuff that ran through my mind, questions about illnesses, recipes, the latest news, etc. Since I haven't had a working computer, I cancelled my internet service to save some money, but the cable service wouldn't let me keep the 'add on' cable TV for $10/mth, so they offered me a bit more cable TV for a pretty good price. Without the internet it is nice to have more options, even for news and weather! I don't know why I've become so interested in the weather these last years. Maybe it is just a symptom of getting old. Believe me, I feel old. I don't bounce back as fast after being ill. It takes me longer to get simple things done (or seems like it) and it seems like I have to have everything in sight if I want to remember I have it...whatever kind of project it is. About the only thing I don't have to have in sight is food...hah!

I'm sitting with my little O tonight. His parents went to a movie.
Sometimes I really don't like being relegated to 'grandma-baby sitter' vs. "Hey, I want part of the action!"

Oops! They are back, now. I'll quit this for now. Not much happening other than that. I'm enjoying nice summer evenings sitting on my back patio, even though my one lawn chair is sitting in the middle of a half dug garden area and pile of pots, yet to be filled with flowers, etc.

Summertime

It's been awhile since I blogged. My computer went belly up in May and I haven't had the money or courage to do anything about it.

I've been wrestling with finances and my health this summer. I just don't feel good. Part of it is the heat. Part of it is anxiety from my stupidity in not dealing appropriately with my finances and ending up in scalding hot water!

I did drive to OH for July 4 and enjoyed the sea air and friends! I'm not going to make it to Memphis this summer (whine, cry) and decided not to fall into the emotional blackmail trap my dad sets out when I suggest going to CO. He pays the $ and I pay for it emotionally. Just NOT GOING THERE!!!!

I'm babysitting my little O today while daddy is working and mommy is flying back from her trip to Dallas. She called and said she had lots of fun. I had fun with O! He is crawling, climbing stairs (doesn't know how to get down!), has 8 teeth and the cutest grin this side of Memphis! He is using all sorts of sounds and when he doesn't get what he wants he now almost yells, /na-na-na-na-/. It is interesting to hear his Loud voice. He is usually quite sweet. He grins all the time, chases Lilo around my house. Lilo lets him get just close enough to touch her then she moves on. I have to watch carefully so she doesn't decide to bite/scratch. It is interesting in that Lilo likes to stay just within watching distance, almost like she's 'guarding' O.

I can't explain in words how I feel to watch O grow and change and be a happy little baby boy. And at the same time, the heartache I feel not being able to be a more daily part of my granddaughter's life! Such as it is, I have to not whine too much when I think that we have lots of technology to keep us close. The pioneers didn't have it so good.

I haven't done as much gardening as I anticipated. Money ran short and this year is just prepping the soil for plans. I did get some day lilies, iris bulbs and a couple other things given me, so I planted those. C&E gave me their two trellises and some paving bricks that they took out when their sidewalk in the front.....it looks Great, by the way!!!! I've been watching the freebies in the newspaper and have found a few things. I'm hoping to get more paving brick and some plants I saw listed there. I just didn't want to go today, as I'd have to handle O as well. If I had to load bricks or such, O wouldn't have a place to be safe. So hopefully those things will be available tomorrow.

I am going to go to River City in August to visit friends, maybe stop at Bob's Red Mill.

Oh, oh. O's awake and will be hungry! Battery is low, as well. More later.....

School's Out!

I look forward more and more each year for the day school is out for the summer.

"No more Teaching,
No more Books,
No more Principal's
Dirty Looks!

And you think the students look forward most to summer? Ha!

Whew! My first full summer in WW is On. Well, I do have to go in to school and finish cleaning my desk and take my pile of paper to the district office. But no big deal. I just have to do it before the custodians start cleaning. Of course, they would want to start with my room!

I've made my summer plans. Whether I have the $ to go to Memphis remains to be seen. Air fare is outrageous now and I'm heart broken that unless a miracle takes place, I may have to wait to see my beautiful granddaughter! I'm still hoping, though, and I keep my eye on the fares.

I will drive to OH for July 4 and pray that my car will make it there and back safely and without incident. It needs a bit of work. It has mostly been sitting around for two years, as these small towns don't require much driving (which is such a fantastic option when gas is, well, beyond words expensive!). But the car needs some exercise to keep its parts running smoothly....oh, what a metaphor! I could use exercise as well! I'll have to remember that one!

Our little O has begun to crawl and is the cutest little 'chunky monkey' you'll ever see. He has all those cute baby chubby rolls that are so good to kiss and zerbet! Of course, the top of his little head is still perfect for kissing as well. He's definitely bringing out his own personality more and more. I can't tell you how heart warming and filling it is to see him develop.
And, yes, the grandmother syndrome has kicked in. When I get tired, I hand him back to mom and dad, go home and take a nap. He and I are a lot alike, really. Eat, sleep, play a little and nap. It's good to be 'Grandma.'

Plan for today?

Finish paperwork.
Dentist to brighten summer smile
nap, lunch
Read
nap during heat of day in air conditioned house
Little O
supper
play in flower beds.
walk?
Go to bed.

Oh, I love these days!


If you want to see pictures of Little O, you'll have to go to their Picasa sites!

Attitude of Gratitude

Okay, in a last ditch effort to pull myself out of the pit of depression I'm going to do a daily round of 'gratitude.' I will not blog it daily, but I will try to write it down to keep myself redirected.

Today has just begun and here's what I'm thankful for so far:
Getting myself out for a walk
Noting birds: stupid starlings, 3 flickers doing a little mating dance, sea gulls, crows, a robin
If I had not walked today, I would have missed the beautiful yellow iris blooming on the creek bank
Cool morning air, stillness of a holiday not yet full of busyness
I'm up, dressed and have made a tentative plan to actually accomplish something; here's hoping I actually follow through, which seems to be the biggy.

Things I'm thankful for otherwise: (Okay, some of them are qualified, but work with me here)
a beautiful grandson who has just about mastered crawling
a gorgeous granddaughter (I miss holding her and watching her grow!)
a good roof over my head
heating and air conditioning
I still have a job, though it is a crazy-making environment
My car is still running fairly well
A son and daughter-in-law
a daughter and son-in-law
friends who keep in touch
flower seeds to plant
eyes to see, ears to hear and listen, a mouth that can sing and talk (Lord help me sing more and talk less!)
legs that still walk, arms/hands that still hold, manipulate objects, type, etc.
hair that is only 'frosted' gray
a brain that still functions, though I do have my senior moments.
Things: a comfortable bed, table and chairs, couch, TV, computer, et.al.

Survivor? Thriv-or?

I had the Tribunal meeting and I'm still 'surviving', but I don't know for how long. I just can't seem to get a handle on my life here. I think I may have to declare bankruptcy. I cannot seem to keep from going in the hole every single month. This month, though I really tried and even had the IRS kickback, I am still in the hole. I am so bad.

And, yes, that is what the tribunal decided, I am bad because I have a bad attitude and they want to nip this negativity in the bud so that 3-5 years down the road (I'm glad they said that, I'm hoping it means they won't can me), they don't have a really negative teacher on their hands to deal with. In the district representative's words, "Even though you may be Miss Merry Sunshine in the classroom, whenever we've met in the hallway and I've asked you how you are doing, you give me so many negatives. I have to pull the positives from you, but you finally do come up with several of them. You seem to look at the glass half-full. Your attitude seems to be, 'You against the world.' We've given you more (materials and support) than any of our other first year teachers." (Oh really? Why me? And if that's all you give....)

Now, the person who said this declared in front of all the new teachers several times this year that we could trust her and she wanted us to tell her how things really were and how we needed support. It was concluded that I have a bad attitude and don't seem to have good communication skills within the school community. So now I keep my mouth shut and smile. When asked how things are going, I say, "Fine!" and I smile and keep walking.....like I'm really too busy to talk, while all the time I am biting my tongue. Is that playing their game?

Whoa! What a gut check that is! And yes, I do tend to have "a glass half-empty" look at life and personality-type. I am not a Pollyanna or a "Miss Merry Sunshine." My son says I'm a warrior. I think I'm getting old and tired, about to fall off my horse. Yes, I've concluded that I do have a bad attitude about the school district and about this place in general. I've tried to put it aside and enjoy the good things here, namely my dear daughter, hubby and my precious, dear grandson.

But maybe this is not the place for me. Really, people here seem crazy (Maybe its all those half-buried, leaky gas bombs in Umatilla and the Hanford-rays.) The school psychologist on our team talked about how many of the families we work with have bipolar & ADHD problems. In their cycles, the winter months are depressive and spring makes them manic. Well, I think even the school psychologist is that way! Every time I ask her a question lately, she seems to hyperventilate and just says to ask someone else.

So besides that overshadowing my work, within the last 24 hours here are two incidents that are part of my daily work:

I had a mom blow her top, because her medically fragile son arrived home with a high fever from getting overheated on the bus. She said we didn't care about her son at all and that she didn't see why there couldn't be air conditioning on the buses! (Actually, since it is so hot here, I'm surprised the district doesn't have air conditioned buses, but who am I to raise that expensive question!) She doesn't seem to have the resources for any other transportation for her son to come to school and our school nurse deemed the kid well enough to ride the special ed bus with the rest of the little buggers in my class with all their myriad of problems, including overheating causing seizures. After talking to our school nurse, they had worked out a good solution, providing him with an ice pack around his neck & removing his helmet (duh). He is not allowed to drink or eat by mouth as he has a feeding tube and other issues, so that doesn't help his body temperature stay level.

Then, today I had an IEP meeting with a dad and his mom (grandma) to a little guy in my class. The little guy is making progress, but it is hampered by the mom and dad's separation issues and his living mostly with his mother who is not the most nurturing parent in the world. The kid comes to school with shoes that are 2 sizes too big (he still gets PT for motor problems), and pants at 18 month size. (I'd say he probably wears a 4T.) Recently he came with poop dried in his hair. Another day, he came with poop in his cuticles and under his finger nails. Besides that wonderful aroma, he smells of old thick cigarette(?) smoke and like he hasn't even had his body wiped off for a week. Of course he's in diapers. We end up giving him a 'bath' with diaper wipes almost every day. When he had poop in his hair, we actually took him to the bathroom and washed his hair with detergent!

Anyway, the mom never showed for the meeting, of course. She always has some excuse for why things happen. But it is easy to see through them to see they stem from a lack of care for her kid. As we talked about the little guy in our meeting today, the dad really worked hard at keeping it together in front of us. His mom and I were both well aware of his fragility and I could see the pain in the grandma's eyes for her son. Her son (the little guy's dad) probably has had some bad experiences in special ed as well, from the looks of him, but he seems like a nice guy and is really trying to do what's right for him and his son. The grandma seemed very with it, which always makes me question what history she and her own son have.

Tragedy and bleak outlooks. All too common in my world of special education. These are just today's episodes on the surface.

Oh, and did I tell you my debit card was rejected at Walmart?! Talk about humiliation!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of my good friends from OR called last evening to tell me she got canned from her teaching job! I was heartsick for her. She is such an outstanding teacher, advocate for families, mom, grandma, friend, inspiration. I'd trust my life to her! A new friend here in the WW district said she got canned from her teaching job and told she could quit or take another position that she didn't really like and was not all that well qualified for. She needs the $$. She is taking the job.

Okay, good things that have happened today (I must do this, you see): Oliver said, "Aaaooh" to me on the phone today. There is sunshine (too hot for me...oops there I go again!), but sunshine, nonetheless. The speech therapist and I had a good visit and our team celebrated her birthday with brownies (and I only ate one (big) one). I got caught up on some paperwork. My assistant actually prepared a bunch of great art projects for us for next week. My other assistant brought us laughs (she's a good story teller). I still have my job (I guess that's good for now.) There are only 4 more weeks of school left! Today is Friday and I do thank God that tomorrow is Sabbath! I can take a deep breath before beginning another whirlwind week!

If you have any rich relatives/friends who are wanting to unload some cash, send them my way!

Survivor Reality

My time here in WW has seemed like a bad reality survivor show. Now, first off, let me tell you I have never gotten into watching the drivel on a regular basis. I'm not sure I've even watched one whole episode. It's one of those I flip past and see glimpses of when I'm bored with TV in general. I know, I know, I spend way too much time flipping channels. I Should do something constructive, like reading, or paying bills. But I digress.

Wahoo! I'm a contestant! I'm 'in' the group!

I landed and, unlike survivor, came with all my material stuff. In fact, instead of it all being left on the boat or plane or whatever vessel taken, I had to put a bunch of it in a shed, as my abode is very, very small. So the stuff is still around.....and I don't even miss it. Time for a garage sale!

Family was 'formed.' New member added.

What alliances can be made?

Then the weather came....wind, snow, freezing cold. Survival! Stay warm, keep working.

Visit neighborhood 'tribes'. No new members added to family during holiday feasts.

Job interactions intense, who will win the next micromanaged Challenge?

New work alliances made.

Always watch my back.

New challenges to win.

Always watch my back.

Now I'm in the bottom 'two.' Going to tribunal.

Always watch my back.

I want off, I hope they vote me off.

But my life is here, it isn't like I have another life somewhere else to return to.


*****

Yes, it's down to the last 5 weeks of school and I'm drained. More than any year previous. Perhaps moving two years in a row has taken its toll. But I'm ready to move on; surely there's some place better. But where? Could I really be happy in OH? River City? I don't feel I can go back to River City. I need to stay in WA to keep my retirement going so I have Some, anyway. Could I handle moving to a place where I've no friends, family close? Where I'd have to start all over again? I'm not sure I have the stamina to do it any more.

Home. Where I don't have to watch my back. Where the challenges are fun. Where love reigns. Where alliances are eternal and real. Where we don't have to 'win.' Its a gift, Heaven. That's my home.

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through.... If Heaven's not my home, then Lord, what will I do?..."

Nope, don't feel good today. Need to rest.

Icing on the Cake

If life were like a cake; you know, "Have your cake and eat it, too," grandchildren would be the icing and sprinkles on top.

Where would any of us be if we could not experience the utter joy and innocence of a baby's smile, giggle, coo, and new soft skin? What about that precious 'baby' smell? Kisses on those soft little heads full of fine, downy hair? And those little delicate fingers and toes? Oh, those toes!! Zerbet the bottom of the feet. Play "Piggies." Play peek-a-boo. Hum lullabies. Cuddle. Wrap them in the softest, finest blankets. Listen to them breathe and feel that God-given life. Gaze at their peaceful faces, completely relaxed as they sleep.

God holds out his arms to us adults, too. He wants to give us childlike joy, unadulterated peace and worry-free sleep.
Why do we resist and think 'we' have all the control....until the stress builds like a volcano to spew us out into just so much dust blowing in the wind?

Babyland Memories

Here I am in babyland with both grandchildren and families. It is really fun to be with all of them, but it brings back lots of memories of 'New Mom Survival'! When one baby is sleeping, the other is feeding or crying. Wow, am I glad I never had twins. I knew I was having a hard time coping with one baby, but two! My hat and coat are off to those moms who struggle through. Give them support if you know of one!

So we managed to take the babies to Walmart and they were good (we have a newborn and a 5 1/2 month old). Then yesterday, we all just hung around the house, letting the babies sleep and eat....we did the same.

Then, as if getting up one or two times a night doesn't make one sleep deprived, Mommy C got sick, so grandma was delegated to take care of O. I love taking care of little O, but let me tell you, it easily brought back those memories of such sleep deprivation and only love and determination that kept me going through day after day.

I'm older now. Stamina lagging. This is my vacation. Sleep, blessed sleep. Well, maybe we can make it to the zoo today. Maybe I'll take a bus tour of the city by myself on Friday. Then it's back home to work.

Love my job.........pfffffft.

A Little Update

So much has happened; most of it really minor in the greater scheme of things.

Work: I don't much like my job and look forward to some sort of change. I will probably stay at wwps for next year as I sort out how to take an adjacent road. Retirement to play with grandkids and do what I want to do When I want to do it sounds better all the time.

Home: I've decided to get my preschool stuff out of my 2nd bedroom as I hate the mess, but love the convenience. I need the space for baby Oliver and guests! I'm looking forward to a little gardening as the weather is warming and spring is arriving. I'm getting used to having more sunshine and less wetness, even though this is the 'wet' time of year.

Grandma doings: Baby Oliver is getting big and growing cuter every day! He now recognizes me and gives me a big grin and 'coo' -'gurgle' when I say hi. I can't love that little boy enough! C&E's house is finished and they are enjoying it!

Baby Ella was born on Leap Day, Feb 29, so I know God has something very, very special in mind for her! Just this last week she caught the flu her parents had and was put in the hospital for 2 days for dehydration, etc. Scared me, oh, how it scared me! She is home and doing better, but C&A are very exhausted. C,O, and I are going there for spring break very soon and look forward to helping out.


I'd add picture of little Ella, but you can see her on their blog....I haven't downloaded any yet, but just wait till I get back from their house!

I'm so proud of my grown up kids, for, well, growing up and taking responsibilities that seem so hard that they don't have the strength or endurance for them. A word often found in the Bible is that God will s-u-s-t-a-i-n us and make us thrive. He loves us even when we forget, discard Him. (I need to remember this, too!)

Health: I can't complain really. Got my eyes tested recently and they are determining whether or not I have glaucoma or something else. I can't seem to get used to my new glasses and blame it on being ill fitted and another brand of progressive lenses that I'm not used to. I'm still overweight and hate myself for that, but can't seem to keep food away from my mouth....and off the hips. My exercise program has gone by the wayside. I need to get back on a good program again. It's not that I don't know what to do and how to do it. I just don't have the motivation, I guess.

Friends: I'm so thankful I have them that find something redeeming in continuing our relationships. I love you all.