child I hug,
child I join in play,
mom who needs someone to talk to,
call to child protective services I have to make,
I heal and reveal...
my inner child,
love to my sister,
sorrow to my children,
hope to the parents,
nurturing to the small children.
I pray to God it is enough.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
I told myself I'd Never....
shop for tiny baby things for grandchildren I may possibly have in the future! However...I found two NEW items for nearly nothing at the local favorite thrift store and could not resist. Now granted, these things may not be wanted by the future parents. After much inner argument, I bought the prettiest pink-with-darker-pink-rosebuds fitted crib sheet I've seen. If I have no 'girl' grandbabies, I'll send it on to someone who needs it. I also found a Christian Dior newborn WHITE, hooded layette sak that would be perfect for leaving the hospital, or baby's first morning at church, or an early baby dedication. It is so soft and beautiful.....good for a girl or a boy! Of course, I'll add these items to the blue elephant toy collection. And....I even passed up buying a very beautiful, large, blue elephant when shopping yesterday! So, I can say 'no'... sometimes!
Two wonderful items:
Two wonderful items:
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Weekend Relief but not Retirement
Well, well, well. I made it through the week. Got the many meetings accomplished, necessary paperwork done, and attended the semi-parties on Friday. You know, those dull office parties where people retire, some people leave, and the rest are just so tired they want all the talking to STOP!!! And of course, in the back of minds is the nagging thought that the 'end of year' paperwork needs to be turned in by 5 p.m.
Well, I gave up that hope of a clean finish/break a few years ago when I realized the world didn't end, the secretary was gone by 4 p.m., and that she didn't get the info to the boss till the next week anyhow. People get so stressed about some things that don't matter.
Now I must admit I do have some lingering anxiety/worry that I Do need to complete the stuff by the end of next week, but I have a bit less hectic schedule..I only work 3 days! A bit self-imposed, but hopefully a few more dollars, too. Then I can salvage 2 weeks 'vacation' for getting my hair cut, doing the annual dr. appts, and a bit of mall browsing. Then I'll get out of town to help S and DIL pack to move....boohoo, so far away! I also anticipate getting back on my daily walking/exercising regimen that has sadly diminished over the last 6 weeks.
Today, I opted out of going to church, choosing instead to stay in my bathrobe till noon and then maybe, oh, I don't know; take a nap? Then I think I'll shower, dress and find a friend to go out to eat.
Today is the big parade day downtown. I'll stay up late and watch the rerun most likely. Not like the 'real thing', but better views of the floats and less people to contend with.....which I've had enough of for awhile!
It's another of those 'change' points, as well, for me to deal with personally. Even though, as I mentioned up top, that recognition events for those retiring/leaving leave me bored and sleepy; this one made me a little sappy, since I'd learned a lot from the lady....and she's younger than me!!!!!!!!!!!
She did make sense when she talked about how we work our whole lives looking forward to retirement and then when we get there, we say, 'Hey, what a minute! What the heck am I supposed to do? Or........'Oh great, I need to take care of my parents!' of course, she is a conscientious type and is a care-full helper to all.
The point is, I'm disgusted with myself for not planning to retire....or at least be able to have the option of cutting back on the fast pace of the work-a-day world. Oh, I know, the young ones will think I'm losing it......well, slowly I am, but am glad to take a step back and let them come up to take on the challenges. Let me sit back, laugh more, enjoy the antics of the world passing by, rock more babies, hug more, and just 'be.'
And for now......I think I'll take that ...Ho-Hum..............nap.
Well, I gave up that hope of a clean finish/break a few years ago when I realized the world didn't end, the secretary was gone by 4 p.m., and that she didn't get the info to the boss till the next week anyhow. People get so stressed about some things that don't matter.
Now I must admit I do have some lingering anxiety/worry that I Do need to complete the stuff by the end of next week, but I have a bit less hectic schedule..I only work 3 days! A bit self-imposed, but hopefully a few more dollars, too. Then I can salvage 2 weeks 'vacation' for getting my hair cut, doing the annual dr. appts, and a bit of mall browsing. Then I'll get out of town to help S and DIL pack to move....boohoo, so far away! I also anticipate getting back on my daily walking/exercising regimen that has sadly diminished over the last 6 weeks.
Today, I opted out of going to church, choosing instead to stay in my bathrobe till noon and then maybe, oh, I don't know; take a nap? Then I think I'll shower, dress and find a friend to go out to eat.
Today is the big parade day downtown. I'll stay up late and watch the rerun most likely. Not like the 'real thing', but better views of the floats and less people to contend with.....which I've had enough of for awhile!
It's another of those 'change' points, as well, for me to deal with personally. Even though, as I mentioned up top, that recognition events for those retiring/leaving leave me bored and sleepy; this one made me a little sappy, since I'd learned a lot from the lady....and she's younger than me!!!!!!!!!!!
She did make sense when she talked about how we work our whole lives looking forward to retirement and then when we get there, we say, 'Hey, what a minute! What the heck am I supposed to do? Or........'Oh great, I need to take care of my parents!' of course, she is a conscientious type and is a care-full helper to all.
The point is, I'm disgusted with myself for not planning to retire....or at least be able to have the option of cutting back on the fast pace of the work-a-day world. Oh, I know, the young ones will think I'm losing it......well, slowly I am, but am glad to take a step back and let them come up to take on the challenges. Let me sit back, laugh more, enjoy the antics of the world passing by, rock more babies, hug more, and just 'be.'
And for now......I think I'll take that ...Ho-Hum..............nap.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Stress and Blogging
I've had many topics in mind for blogging, writing them as I drive or walk: my love affair with nature (I'd just read a racey novel and thougts of interesting metaphors made me laugh), the pets in our lives, the priorities of life, eating obsessions, empty nests, etc., none of which would be interesting to publish.
Work has kept me frantically busy and stressed out; constructive work and blogging has not been a part of that. Today, in fact, I need to do Work on my computer and get household chores done (like laundry, so I have clothes to wear next week!). I'm nervously checking my favorite blogs, surfing. Now it's time to get down to the work business. My formal last day before June break is June 9. I hope to have time for some blog reflection after that.
I just read an article in AARP about those over 50 doing more and more blogging. I want to check out a bunch of the blogs they suggested, maybe revising mine, as my kids have done to theirs.
Work has kept me frantically busy and stressed out; constructive work and blogging has not been a part of that. Today, in fact, I need to do Work on my computer and get household chores done (like laundry, so I have clothes to wear next week!). I'm nervously checking my favorite blogs, surfing. Now it's time to get down to the work business. My formal last day before June break is June 9. I hope to have time for some blog reflection after that.
I just read an article in AARP about those over 50 doing more and more blogging. I want to check out a bunch of the blogs they suggested, maybe revising mine, as my kids have done to theirs.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
summer memories
Picnics in the "Bullpen": that's what my dad labeled our enclosed (6 ft high basketweave fenced) patio with picnic table and bar-b-que. I think I know why he labeled it the 'bullpen' now. There was a lot of B.S. shared there!
On late summer evenings, often after mom had canned fruit over a hot stove all day, she'd fix a big salad, maybe some oven-fried potatoes and dad would fire up (I did it when I got older...and my sister enjoyed lighting it!) the bbq with steaks or hamburgers. I don't remember doing chicken or fish. Iced tea, koolaid for the kids, beer for the adults. Often we had these 7-layer bars for dessert or made homemade ice cream. Mmmm. Those were delicious meals. These evenings were usually spent with neighbors or my mother's friends. I don't remember dad inviting anyone. After the meal, if extra kids were there, we might take our homemade skateboards to the sidwalk around the neighborhood church until dark. It sloped downward and we'd see if we could stay on the skateboard around the 90 degree cornered sidewalk. You have to understand that these skateboards were made with old metal skates that clamped onto your shoes. We'd use the wheel bases and attach a board on top (much smaller and simpler than what is available today).We'd have sanded and painted the boards ourselves, but it must have been dad that helped us put the thing together. I really don't remember. If we didn't skateboard, we played croquet and then tiring of that at dark, we would play badminton on the front lawn from the light of a bright yard light. If the birdie got stuck in the giant spruce tree, we'd conjure up all kinds of ways to attempt its retrieval. In the end, we'd talk an adult into getting the long ladder out to help us. (But that was last resort, as they were never happy to be interrupted!) We'd play as the adults visited. Then we'd collapse on the cool grass before the mosquitoes ate us up. Sometimes the visiting was taken indoors and then us kids would head to the wrap around, enclosed front porch and play ping-pong on the table dad had made for us. Those were good times. Despite the haranging verbal abuse at other times, these were short interludes of peace and 'normal' social interaction.
I remember mom working so hard to make it nice for dad and he was never satisfied, always complaining about one thing or another. No wonder she died young.
We had a wonderful yard. As in my previous blog, it was well cared for by dad. Work, that's all dad did. That's all he knew how to do....that and curse life. He'd wish himself dead, others dead. But somehow he loved nature. It gave him peace from whatever tortured his soul. The one positive thing I learned from him was that love of nature. He took care of our yard with flowers and grass and that patio. He put up a swing set and slide in the back yard when we were smaller and then dug the post holes for the badminton net when we were older. He fixed up the front porch with pegboard to hold our 'sports' equipment, while the other end of the porch had been arranged to be a 'playhouse' for dolls, etc. He'd made a doll closet and buffet, we'd received a miniature stove, sink and fridge for Christmas one year. He'd made me a doll cradle when I was very small and my sister had received doll bunkbeds at one Christmas. We had a couple of dollhouses on benches that we could play with. One was an old one we could re-wallpaper and put down scraps for flooring, carpet and curtains. I attempted cutting fabric scraps to make tiny clothing for the tiny dolls for those dolhouses. Later I tried to cut and sew, by hand, a few things for larger baby dolls and later for a teenage doll.....not a Barbie.
Our bikes were also kept inside on the front porch. Those bikes, purchased in the 1960's still looked like new in the '80's. My sister still has hers. I kick myself for selling mine at a garage sale when I had babies. My most freeing memories are of the summer evenings I'd take off on my bike and ride for a couple of hours, stopping to visit a friend or two (my parents never wanted me to do that!), riding through the cemetary to stop and look at old headstones, riding past some cute boy's house to see if he'd be there. Sometimes my dog would follow and if my sister and I rode together, we'd either have to take him back home or rescue him from trying to 'beat up' larger dogs. Biking kept my sister and I sane, as we could escape the arguing and fighting that was a constant in our home. We'd be gone long enough that dad would have gone to bed or collapsed in front of the TV with a beer. We could sneak through and run to our bedrooms for peace. Once in awhile mom made us wash piles and piles of dirty dishes and clean the kitchen, but at least we were left alone to complain to ourselves and each other about how much work our parents made us do. (Doesn't every child do this?)
If you get through this blog, I might write more another time!
On late summer evenings, often after mom had canned fruit over a hot stove all day, she'd fix a big salad, maybe some oven-fried potatoes and dad would fire up (I did it when I got older...and my sister enjoyed lighting it!) the bbq with steaks or hamburgers. I don't remember doing chicken or fish. Iced tea, koolaid for the kids, beer for the adults. Often we had these 7-layer bars for dessert or made homemade ice cream. Mmmm. Those were delicious meals. These evenings were usually spent with neighbors or my mother's friends. I don't remember dad inviting anyone. After the meal, if extra kids were there, we might take our homemade skateboards to the sidwalk around the neighborhood church until dark. It sloped downward and we'd see if we could stay on the skateboard around the 90 degree cornered sidewalk. You have to understand that these skateboards were made with old metal skates that clamped onto your shoes. We'd use the wheel bases and attach a board on top (much smaller and simpler than what is available today).We'd have sanded and painted the boards ourselves, but it must have been dad that helped us put the thing together. I really don't remember. If we didn't skateboard, we played croquet and then tiring of that at dark, we would play badminton on the front lawn from the light of a bright yard light. If the birdie got stuck in the giant spruce tree, we'd conjure up all kinds of ways to attempt its retrieval. In the end, we'd talk an adult into getting the long ladder out to help us. (But that was last resort, as they were never happy to be interrupted!) We'd play as the adults visited. Then we'd collapse on the cool grass before the mosquitoes ate us up. Sometimes the visiting was taken indoors and then us kids would head to the wrap around, enclosed front porch and play ping-pong on the table dad had made for us. Those were good times. Despite the haranging verbal abuse at other times, these were short interludes of peace and 'normal' social interaction.
I remember mom working so hard to make it nice for dad and he was never satisfied, always complaining about one thing or another. No wonder she died young.
We had a wonderful yard. As in my previous blog, it was well cared for by dad. Work, that's all dad did. That's all he knew how to do....that and curse life. He'd wish himself dead, others dead. But somehow he loved nature. It gave him peace from whatever tortured his soul. The one positive thing I learned from him was that love of nature. He took care of our yard with flowers and grass and that patio. He put up a swing set and slide in the back yard when we were smaller and then dug the post holes for the badminton net when we were older. He fixed up the front porch with pegboard to hold our 'sports' equipment, while the other end of the porch had been arranged to be a 'playhouse' for dolls, etc. He'd made a doll closet and buffet, we'd received a miniature stove, sink and fridge for Christmas one year. He'd made me a doll cradle when I was very small and my sister had received doll bunkbeds at one Christmas. We had a couple of dollhouses on benches that we could play with. One was an old one we could re-wallpaper and put down scraps for flooring, carpet and curtains. I attempted cutting fabric scraps to make tiny clothing for the tiny dolls for those dolhouses. Later I tried to cut and sew, by hand, a few things for larger baby dolls and later for a teenage doll.....not a Barbie.
Our bikes were also kept inside on the front porch. Those bikes, purchased in the 1960's still looked like new in the '80's. My sister still has hers. I kick myself for selling mine at a garage sale when I had babies. My most freeing memories are of the summer evenings I'd take off on my bike and ride for a couple of hours, stopping to visit a friend or two (my parents never wanted me to do that!), riding through the cemetary to stop and look at old headstones, riding past some cute boy's house to see if he'd be there. Sometimes my dog would follow and if my sister and I rode together, we'd either have to take him back home or rescue him from trying to 'beat up' larger dogs. Biking kept my sister and I sane, as we could escape the arguing and fighting that was a constant in our home. We'd be gone long enough that dad would have gone to bed or collapsed in front of the TV with a beer. We could sneak through and run to our bedrooms for peace. Once in awhile mom made us wash piles and piles of dirty dishes and clean the kitchen, but at least we were left alone to complain to ourselves and each other about how much work our parents made us do. (Doesn't every child do this?)
If you get through this blog, I might write more another time!
A Mental Health Day
Okay, by now you know I'm more of a melancholy-type personality. Today was a 'sick' day from work for me.....a personal mental health day of sorts. The overall stress of the year is getting to me, along with the unseasonably hot days. We've had 'August' weather and I'm not ready for it in May.
My good intentions of walking more and more to practice for walking a half marathon in October (I know it's not much for most people) have gone awry. I suppose my hormonal balance is way off, too, because all I want to do is sleep on the couch, munch salty crunchies and supplement that with Starbuck's Java Chip ice cream. I supplement that with a salad or my oatmeal and toast. That's healthy, right?
My weekend trip to visit with my all-grown-up kids made me feel so very happy for them. I love them all so much and am so proud of their determination to be happy with their spouses and themselves from the inside out. Keep on truckin, kids!
It's somewhat nostalgic for me to watch them, as at my age, I ache over being young, full of energy and hope for the future ....and afraid of the sorrows of life that will inevitably come to them. I pray they will find comfort and support during those times and if I'm of able body and mind, will be able to give it to them!
Advice: Plan ahead: W---a---y ahead! Its worth it to save money for college and retirement when you've just started living an independent life!
Question for the day: Why does love hurt?
My good intentions of walking more and more to practice for walking a half marathon in October (I know it's not much for most people) have gone awry. I suppose my hormonal balance is way off, too, because all I want to do is sleep on the couch, munch salty crunchies and supplement that with Starbuck's Java Chip ice cream. I supplement that with a salad or my oatmeal and toast. That's healthy, right?
My weekend trip to visit with my all-grown-up kids made me feel so very happy for them. I love them all so much and am so proud of their determination to be happy with their spouses and themselves from the inside out. Keep on truckin, kids!
It's somewhat nostalgic for me to watch them, as at my age, I ache over being young, full of energy and hope for the future ....and afraid of the sorrows of life that will inevitably come to them. I pray they will find comfort and support during those times and if I'm of able body and mind, will be able to give it to them!
Advice: Plan ahead: W---a---y ahead! Its worth it to save money for college and retirement when you've just started living an independent life!
Question for the day: Why does love hurt?
Sunday, April 30, 2006
It's been awhile...
since I last blogged. As I drive around (I do that a lot as part of my job)I often write blogs in my head, but then can't remember them when I have time to sit at the 'puter. I have been thinking of vignettes of my childhood and how differently things were done 50 years ago. I thought I'd write a few now and then as new generations may be interested later (in 50 more years).
For example, we lived in an old victorian house, built in 1911. The yard was a mess, so my dad would come home from doing hard physical labor 'throwing boards' at the lumber mill for 12 hours and work for a couple more hours, until dark (way before daylight savings time!), to landscape. Now, you might think this was for a home we owned, but no, it was for a rental. Dad was appreciative of a nice place to live and was obsessive with making things look presentable to neighbors. Now there is a downside to all this work, but perhaps I'll go into that later.
We lived in high mountain desert country. So one of the things we did many times, was to take supper, (sometimes bread/butter sandwiches, potato chips and water) to the desert to collect large flat sandstone rocks to stand on edge around the lawn. We made trip after trip. Not in a car, but in one of the flatbed lumber trucks my dad borrowed. Seat belts were unheard of; we bounced over pot holes on fine, sandy, dusty roads, windows rolled all the way down, enjoying the breeze, despite the dust. Only the dog got to ride in the back of the flatbed, tied to a leash (that he almost choked on once), but that doesn't mean my sis and I didn't wish we could be back with the dog!
As to the lumber truck borrowed, dad and his brothers owned the sawmill. It was a complete process business, from cutting the logs, hauling them to the mill, preparing the lumber and selling it and other home hardware/paint, etc., at their store. No middlemen! Yes, they burned the slack from all this manufacturing in a large cone-shaped burner, sending clouds of ash and pollutants into the valleys' air...until those burners were banned everywhere in the '70's.
My sister and I ran around in the desert, helped watch over the dog, and worried about getting 'ticks' on us or finding a rattlesnake. Usually it was my sister the ticks liked most; I always wondered why, but mosquitoes and other insects bothered her more than me...I probably have some 'bad' smell for the little buggers. We never saw a rattlesnake. If we were lucky, we'd find a piece of an old Indian arrowhead or a piece of flint. We also helped load smaller pieces of rock or added our childish energy and heft to helping lift some of the rocks onto the flatbed. Sometimes our 'station' would be to stay on the flatbed and push the rocks toward the front center of the bed. Of course, dad would end up having to help us, as we weren't strong enough for the job. I'm sure those rocks weighed up to 50 lbs and were up to 2 ft. in diameter.
When our lawn was complete, I thought it looked beautiful with the lush, green grass and clover framed by the sandy stones. (And we all worked hard supplying the water to that lawn!) My dreams sometimes saw our house framed with a picket fence, but that was my preference. Of course, I never shared my preferences for, as children, we were never asked what we liked or thought might be a good idea. We were to learn from our elders and have no original thoughts of our own, as they were considered as erroneous silliness that would only come from thoughtless children. (This erroneous thought pattern has led me to honor children as precious treasures now).
Spring, here, reminds me of the lilacs we had in that yard. We had lavender ones, deep violet ones and white ones. For the first few years, my dad kept mowing over the white lilacs until he finally let them grow. The deep violet ones were precious, as the tree seemed frail and sensitive. The lavender ones were prolific and we loved to pick them all and put in vases or just play with them in our playhouses (blanket houses) or in our mud pies. I was into decorating the 'pies' more than getting 'dirty' with all the mud. As I remember, my sister loved the mud making. Maybe that's played out today with her fantastic artistic ability with clays.
Lilacs have always been a favorite flower of mine. I've planted one here and visit local lilac gardens whenever possible. They are one symbol of what was good and pleasant in my childhood, of times spent thinking my own thoughts, playing my own games, growing my 'self'. My fantasy with lilacs was intensified by reading Louisa Mae Alcott's book "Under the Lilacs" in which children were championed and life was idyllic in the end.
Does this spawn your own memories?
For example, we lived in an old victorian house, built in 1911. The yard was a mess, so my dad would come home from doing hard physical labor 'throwing boards' at the lumber mill for 12 hours and work for a couple more hours, until dark (way before daylight savings time!), to landscape. Now, you might think this was for a home we owned, but no, it was for a rental. Dad was appreciative of a nice place to live and was obsessive with making things look presentable to neighbors. Now there is a downside to all this work, but perhaps I'll go into that later.
We lived in high mountain desert country. So one of the things we did many times, was to take supper, (sometimes bread/butter sandwiches, potato chips and water) to the desert to collect large flat sandstone rocks to stand on edge around the lawn. We made trip after trip. Not in a car, but in one of the flatbed lumber trucks my dad borrowed. Seat belts were unheard of; we bounced over pot holes on fine, sandy, dusty roads, windows rolled all the way down, enjoying the breeze, despite the dust. Only the dog got to ride in the back of the flatbed, tied to a leash (that he almost choked on once), but that doesn't mean my sis and I didn't wish we could be back with the dog!
As to the lumber truck borrowed, dad and his brothers owned the sawmill. It was a complete process business, from cutting the logs, hauling them to the mill, preparing the lumber and selling it and other home hardware/paint, etc., at their store. No middlemen! Yes, they burned the slack from all this manufacturing in a large cone-shaped burner, sending clouds of ash and pollutants into the valleys' air...until those burners were banned everywhere in the '70's.
My sister and I ran around in the desert, helped watch over the dog, and worried about getting 'ticks' on us or finding a rattlesnake. Usually it was my sister the ticks liked most; I always wondered why, but mosquitoes and other insects bothered her more than me...I probably have some 'bad' smell for the little buggers. We never saw a rattlesnake. If we were lucky, we'd find a piece of an old Indian arrowhead or a piece of flint. We also helped load smaller pieces of rock or added our childish energy and heft to helping lift some of the rocks onto the flatbed. Sometimes our 'station' would be to stay on the flatbed and push the rocks toward the front center of the bed. Of course, dad would end up having to help us, as we weren't strong enough for the job. I'm sure those rocks weighed up to 50 lbs and were up to 2 ft. in diameter.
When our lawn was complete, I thought it looked beautiful with the lush, green grass and clover framed by the sandy stones. (And we all worked hard supplying the water to that lawn!) My dreams sometimes saw our house framed with a picket fence, but that was my preference. Of course, I never shared my preferences for, as children, we were never asked what we liked or thought might be a good idea. We were to learn from our elders and have no original thoughts of our own, as they were considered as erroneous silliness that would only come from thoughtless children. (This erroneous thought pattern has led me to honor children as precious treasures now).
Spring, here, reminds me of the lilacs we had in that yard. We had lavender ones, deep violet ones and white ones. For the first few years, my dad kept mowing over the white lilacs until he finally let them grow. The deep violet ones were precious, as the tree seemed frail and sensitive. The lavender ones were prolific and we loved to pick them all and put in vases or just play with them in our playhouses (blanket houses) or in our mud pies. I was into decorating the 'pies' more than getting 'dirty' with all the mud. As I remember, my sister loved the mud making. Maybe that's played out today with her fantastic artistic ability with clays.
Lilacs have always been a favorite flower of mine. I've planted one here and visit local lilac gardens whenever possible. They are one symbol of what was good and pleasant in my childhood, of times spent thinking my own thoughts, playing my own games, growing my 'self'. My fantasy with lilacs was intensified by reading Louisa Mae Alcott's book "Under the Lilacs" in which children were championed and life was idyllic in the end.
Does this spawn your own memories?
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Mirror, Mirror on the Floor, Who's the Fairest Cat of All?
Okay, I'm still laughing about this one. I was enjoying the quiteness of a Sunday morning, reading a magazine, when I heard this atrocious revving up sound.....like a small motor wheel. So I put down the magazine and there is Lilo, tail and back totally fluffed, in total defense/offense position, growling this deep throaty growl, nearly foaming at the mouth at another cat: Her OWN REFLECTION! I had set a large mirror on the floor in readiness to hang it on the wall above the mantle. I have a full length mirror on the hall door, but she never recognized herself in there, before. Being an indoor cat; she'd had no intruders!
I slowly went over to her, reassuring her it was alright. She backed down a bit allowing me to get into the picture of the mirror and then petting her. As soon as I was gone, she was back guarding her territory from the 'new' cat! Then she reached out a paw toward the reflection, drew it back suddenly and turned her head sideways, as if to say, 'huh?....wait a minute." She 'depuffed' and sat there staring at her reflection. Tiring of the stare-down, she started to move away and noticed the 'other cat' was following her, so she returned and positioned herself, growling again in the fight stance. Hilarious!!!!!!!! I didn't have my camera close enough to get a picture without interrupting the scene, but I will attempt one.....makes me want to keep the mirror on the floor for entertainment!
I slowly went over to her, reassuring her it was alright. She backed down a bit allowing me to get into the picture of the mirror and then petting her. As soon as I was gone, she was back guarding her territory from the 'new' cat! Then she reached out a paw toward the reflection, drew it back suddenly and turned her head sideways, as if to say, 'huh?....wait a minute." She 'depuffed' and sat there staring at her reflection. Tiring of the stare-down, she started to move away and noticed the 'other cat' was following her, so she returned and positioned herself, growling again in the fight stance. Hilarious!!!!!!!! I didn't have my camera close enough to get a picture without interrupting the scene, but I will attempt one.....makes me want to keep the mirror on the floor for entertainment!
Friday, March 31, 2006
Inspired by Family Pictures
Christmas Cat Lilo 
Lilo in her new Cat Tree
Oh, How Long They've Waited!
'Da Plane, 'Da Plane!
Lilo in her new Cat Tree
Oh, How Long They've Waited!
'Da Plane, 'Da Plane!
Trolling
Metaphor for my life, this.
Went on my walk today. Seems everyone was trolling.
Lots of people were trolling for sunshine. Fishing boats were lined up across the river trolling for fish. It is definitely fishing season here! The carp were flip-flopping in the marsh....and the herons were trolling for them!
I took off my sweatshirt and let the sunshine troll along my arms. I felt its heat penetrate my hair. The smells of spring full blown trolled through my olefactory system (Sure glad I'm taking allergy meds so I can enjoy it!)
Yesterday I trolled for a new job.
Then I trolled the internet looking for possible housing, churches, places to exercise. There were trolling places for lots of winter and summer outdoor activities.
Now I'm trolling for emotional stability as the feelings for the possibility of change take place. Change....I've written of that before. It brings, fear, hope, worry, new possibilities. Growth.
When I arrived home from my walk, the UPS guy was trolling for a safe place to stash a large box on my small porch. He was very glad when I told him it would be okay!
Trolling.
I'm going to now troll through my mess and ready myself for the Sabbath and work next week.
Went on my walk today. Seems everyone was trolling.
Lots of people were trolling for sunshine. Fishing boats were lined up across the river trolling for fish. It is definitely fishing season here! The carp were flip-flopping in the marsh....and the herons were trolling for them!
I took off my sweatshirt and let the sunshine troll along my arms. I felt its heat penetrate my hair. The smells of spring full blown trolled through my olefactory system (Sure glad I'm taking allergy meds so I can enjoy it!)
Yesterday I trolled for a new job.
Then I trolled the internet looking for possible housing, churches, places to exercise. There were trolling places for lots of winter and summer outdoor activities.
Now I'm trolling for emotional stability as the feelings for the possibility of change take place. Change....I've written of that before. It brings, fear, hope, worry, new possibilities. Growth.
When I arrived home from my walk, the UPS guy was trolling for a safe place to stash a large box on my small porch. He was very glad when I told him it would be okay!
Trolling.
I'm going to now troll through my mess and ready myself for the Sabbath and work next week.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Nature Notes
It is a gray, grey overcast, rainy, dreary day, but I went walking anyway.
Noted:
No squirrels
flocks of robins
fewer crows
sparrows
a few seagulls
Mr. Bald Eagle
Great Bllue Herons
Mr. and Mrs. Mallard
Mr and Mrs. Woodduck
Breeding American Goldfinches (3-5 m and f!)
1 Northern Flicker
small flock of bushtits (I think)
yellow, white daffodils in full bloom
pink, white flowering cherry, crabapple and plum trees
the beginnings of 'petal snow'
pink 'tulip' (magnolia) trees
fuschia pink, lavendar azaleas
pink, white, red camelias
some other miniature pink-clustered flowers on leafless bushes
snowdrops
purple violets
wild trillium
wet green grass
trees that seemed to turn greener in the 1 1/2 hours I walked!
Rain that stopped falling an hour into my walk.
Noted:
No squirrels
flocks of robins
fewer crows
sparrows
a few seagulls
Mr. Bald Eagle
Great Bllue Herons
Mr. and Mrs. Mallard
Mr and Mrs. Woodduck
Breeding American Goldfinches (3-5 m and f!)
1 Northern Flicker
small flock of bushtits (I think)
yellow, white daffodils in full bloom
pink, white flowering cherry, crabapple and plum trees
the beginnings of 'petal snow'
pink 'tulip' (magnolia) trees
fuschia pink, lavendar azaleas
pink, white, red camelias
some other miniature pink-clustered flowers on leafless bushes
snowdrops
purple violets
wild trillium
wet green grass
trees that seemed to turn greener in the 1 1/2 hours I walked!
Rain that stopped falling an hour into my walk.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Honor
This is the second week of my long spring break, and as usual, I am disappointed with myself for not having accomplished anything worthwhile the first week and now have only one week left to get too many projects accomplished. (And already it is 9 a.m. and I'm not exercised, dressed, etc.) Originally I had imagined myself catching up on my work-work the first week and then happily doing many home projects the second week. It didn't work out that way. Too many naps, cancelled home appointments, impulsive window-shopping (that took too much time!) and finally, by Thursday, just worn out from trying to try. Honor leisure. Honor work.
My kids visited over the weekend. We had a short visit on Sunday to celebrate their birthdays. The restaurant was so very, very generous in giving us desserts! What a happy surprise! Honor neighbors and patrons.
It left me happy to have been with all of them briefly, but determined to figure out better ways of visiting with them than over food and shopping. Not that I don't Love to Eat and Shop, but it just isn't a good way to catch up on news and really build our relationships. I really enjoy times I've spent with them over weekends as we get to know each other's routines, likes and dislikes, fears, hopes, plans, etc. I guess this could be another part of the 'empty nest' syndrome, as my children move into such independence in their own lives and I live out my own. I don't want to interfere in their lives too much by visiting too often. I like my own space and time to crash when I'm working so hard (as I'm sure they like theirs), but I would like to get together with them more. I hate driving through the heavy traffic or for such a long time, but I need to get over it. I am blessed to have had them so close for so long. Honor my children.
Having children, raising them, and then watching them 'go off into the sunset' is an experience like no other. With my S having just come back from military duty, I'm sure he'd say his experience was like no other, as well. I guess all of our life experiences are 'like no other'. But, back to children. Many of my friends' children are having babies just now. How much I fear for these new families. I guess being older, looking back at my own naivite, makes me shudder with what I know now. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't know so much then. On the other hand, I probably would have been a much better parent and been able to nurture my little ones without putting so many of my own emotions on them. Well, they're surivors and seem to be thriving. I really do want each of them to Thrive mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and.....financially. I'm still learning all that. I guess it is a part of that 'sanctification process'. It takes us a lifetime to figure out life....and then, do we ever? Honor children. Honor parents. Honor family units.
Sunday morning I took my long walk along my favorite 'nature' trail. I saw a mama raccoon and two little ones sleeping high in a tree; such big and little furry lumps. I saw a bald eagle surveying his dominion. The Great Blue Herons were numerous, standing 'guard'. Those walks calm my soul. I am thankful for them. Honor Nature.
I found a sped prek job in CO available. It makes me wonder whether this is the time I need to move to CO to care for my father. Yet, it makes me depressed thinking about it, so I've tried to analyze why. First, it is dad! He is so crazy. Secondly, the thought of pulling up roots and starting over yet again, is overwhelming to me. I'm getting far too old to see 'adventure' in change. I am capable of doing it, but do I really want to at this time? I try to imagine myself in that new place with new job, living space, etc., but just can't feel comfortable with it. I am disgruntled with my job requirements here and wonder whether another job's requirements might be a nice change for me. Am I afraid I would fail? Yes. Deep inside maybe I'm kidding myself that I could do this job outside the place I am now. They 'put up with me'. Once you've been there awhile, they just don't fire you no matter how bad an employee you are....(well, unless you look at porn on the internet....as one guy found out! I suppose there's a few in every crowd.) Honor my abilities. Honor change.
Honor. Yes, honor. My D and I had a really good discussion about it this weekend.....now That was quality time. I'd like more of that! I'm trying to honor my dad. I feel sorry for the 'old coot' of a father I have, in that he is a very lonely, regretful old man, but has made his own bed and now he's lying in it. But I know how it is to be lonely and I don't wish that on anyone. Plus, he did provide a good, physical environment for me, even though emotionally, it was a roller coaster that flew off the track at times. He has both good and bad points.
My sister, how do I honor her? She has cut off communication with me, but still talks with D.
My mother....gone. Did I honor her?
My dad, crazy. Honor him? Humph.
Me, divorced, alone,
recognizing my aloneness, but not willing to share my life with anyone, as it takes so much compromise, trust. I don't have enough hope that there is any man out there I could trust to honor me, and perhaps I could never honor any man. That sounds really awful. Honor myself? Honor a man? Honor aloneness.
Learning to Honor a God I can't see, touch or hear is something I've learned over time, but I still don't trust Him completely, as I try to control my own life, to keep it from spinning out of control. Honor and trust workk together. I am a control freak and work hard at Not being one. That really shows control! :o) Honor God.
Okay, I've decided to go take another walk even if it does take a lot of time. Maybe the rest of my day will fall into place. Honor time.
Choice.
Trust.
Letting go.
Honor.
My kids visited over the weekend. We had a short visit on Sunday to celebrate their birthdays. The restaurant was so very, very generous in giving us desserts! What a happy surprise! Honor neighbors and patrons.
It left me happy to have been with all of them briefly, but determined to figure out better ways of visiting with them than over food and shopping. Not that I don't Love to Eat and Shop, but it just isn't a good way to catch up on news and really build our relationships. I really enjoy times I've spent with them over weekends as we get to know each other's routines, likes and dislikes, fears, hopes, plans, etc. I guess this could be another part of the 'empty nest' syndrome, as my children move into such independence in their own lives and I live out my own. I don't want to interfere in their lives too much by visiting too often. I like my own space and time to crash when I'm working so hard (as I'm sure they like theirs), but I would like to get together with them more. I hate driving through the heavy traffic or for such a long time, but I need to get over it. I am blessed to have had them so close for so long. Honor my children.
Having children, raising them, and then watching them 'go off into the sunset' is an experience like no other. With my S having just come back from military duty, I'm sure he'd say his experience was like no other, as well. I guess all of our life experiences are 'like no other'. But, back to children. Many of my friends' children are having babies just now. How much I fear for these new families. I guess being older, looking back at my own naivite, makes me shudder with what I know now. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't know so much then. On the other hand, I probably would have been a much better parent and been able to nurture my little ones without putting so many of my own emotions on them. Well, they're surivors and seem to be thriving. I really do want each of them to Thrive mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and.....financially. I'm still learning all that. I guess it is a part of that 'sanctification process'. It takes us a lifetime to figure out life....and then, do we ever? Honor children. Honor parents. Honor family units.
Sunday morning I took my long walk along my favorite 'nature' trail. I saw a mama raccoon and two little ones sleeping high in a tree; such big and little furry lumps. I saw a bald eagle surveying his dominion. The Great Blue Herons were numerous, standing 'guard'. Those walks calm my soul. I am thankful for them. Honor Nature.
I found a sped prek job in CO available. It makes me wonder whether this is the time I need to move to CO to care for my father. Yet, it makes me depressed thinking about it, so I've tried to analyze why. First, it is dad! He is so crazy. Secondly, the thought of pulling up roots and starting over yet again, is overwhelming to me. I'm getting far too old to see 'adventure' in change. I am capable of doing it, but do I really want to at this time? I try to imagine myself in that new place with new job, living space, etc., but just can't feel comfortable with it. I am disgruntled with my job requirements here and wonder whether another job's requirements might be a nice change for me. Am I afraid I would fail? Yes. Deep inside maybe I'm kidding myself that I could do this job outside the place I am now. They 'put up with me'. Once you've been there awhile, they just don't fire you no matter how bad an employee you are....(well, unless you look at porn on the internet....as one guy found out! I suppose there's a few in every crowd.) Honor my abilities. Honor change.
Honor. Yes, honor. My D and I had a really good discussion about it this weekend.....now That was quality time. I'd like more of that! I'm trying to honor my dad. I feel sorry for the 'old coot' of a father I have, in that he is a very lonely, regretful old man, but has made his own bed and now he's lying in it. But I know how it is to be lonely and I don't wish that on anyone. Plus, he did provide a good, physical environment for me, even though emotionally, it was a roller coaster that flew off the track at times. He has both good and bad points.
My sister, how do I honor her? She has cut off communication with me, but still talks with D.
My mother....gone. Did I honor her?
My dad, crazy. Honor him? Humph.
Me, divorced, alone,
recognizing my aloneness, but not willing to share my life with anyone, as it takes so much compromise, trust. I don't have enough hope that there is any man out there I could trust to honor me, and perhaps I could never honor any man. That sounds really awful. Honor myself? Honor a man? Honor aloneness.
Learning to Honor a God I can't see, touch or hear is something I've learned over time, but I still don't trust Him completely, as I try to control my own life, to keep it from spinning out of control. Honor and trust workk together. I am a control freak and work hard at Not being one. That really shows control! :o) Honor God.
Okay, I've decided to go take another walk even if it does take a lot of time. Maybe the rest of my day will fall into place. Honor time.
Choice.
Trust.
Letting go.
Honor.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Walk...Rest...Walk...Rest...Walk....
Finally, a walk in the sunshine without the busyness of the day hanging over my head. I'm on Spring Break! YEA!!!!!!!!!
The clouds have finally separated to allow the warmer spring blue appear. Spring has begun in earnest. The daffodils are in full bloom, along with other yellow ground flowers. The birds are orchestrating an entire symphony accompanied by the frogs. I saw a bird in flight with an incredible wing span. It was close enough for me to know it wasn't a bald eagle, but it looked more like an eagle, but blotchy brown. After looking in my bird books, I think it was an immature bald eagle. Amazing. The robins vied with me for their space, the squirrels looked at me curiously from their nearby tree perches, not even scampering away. The Great Blue Herons were standing guard in the marsh; each one solitary. yet with others within calling distance. The geese were all there, as were the ducks. The crows tried to fight with the hawks over territory, trying to chase them in the air, but to no avail. A few starlings stumbled in the grass, but the focus was on the songbird symphony, the chorus and accompaniment.
It's good to start walking again. I haven't for awhile, and I'm really out of shape again.
A new twist: I've acquired my asthma symptoms again. Last night I had a more acute coughing, short of breath episode. I don't know what brought it on. It calmed after I used my inhaler and took an allergy pill. This morning I took an alllergy pill before I went walking. I could breathe pretty well, but still have that chest congestion and short of breath thing going on. I have a dr.s appt this week, so I'll ask her about it. I can hear the results already. "Well, you have some lung congestion, so here's a prescription....and if that doesn't work, come back.....blah, blah, blah." Finally, "take two aspirin and call me in the morning."
I'm going over to see B's baby today, I hope. I haven't seen her in a week or so; will take another picture!
Then, I think I'll go look at new washing machines at the discount place and see if I can afford one of them. Maybe that will calm my neighbor who thinks my old machine makes too much noise for her to be happy. So I try to tiptoe around doing my laundry when I see her car is gone....which is about the same time mine is gone most of the time, since her work schedule seems similar to mine. It is frustrating....for both of us, I suppose. She suggested I do my laundry elsewhere, but I'm not about to pay to do my laundry when I finally have a machine of my own, even if it is old and noisy! (The funny part is that I can't hear it at all in my place! ...The machine is in the basement.)
Over spring break I have a whole list of things I want to get done. Here's to accomplishment and some time for myself! At least if I go in to the office to catch up on paperwork, I've got a different paradigm: I catch up on my work among my home projects, rather than doing home projects sandwiched into the work projects!
I've walked so much I have a headache. Must lie down......rest.......ahhhhhhh.
The clouds have finally separated to allow the warmer spring blue appear. Spring has begun in earnest. The daffodils are in full bloom, along with other yellow ground flowers. The birds are orchestrating an entire symphony accompanied by the frogs. I saw a bird in flight with an incredible wing span. It was close enough for me to know it wasn't a bald eagle, but it looked more like an eagle, but blotchy brown. After looking in my bird books, I think it was an immature bald eagle. Amazing. The robins vied with me for their space, the squirrels looked at me curiously from their nearby tree perches, not even scampering away. The Great Blue Herons were standing guard in the marsh; each one solitary. yet with others within calling distance. The geese were all there, as were the ducks. The crows tried to fight with the hawks over territory, trying to chase them in the air, but to no avail. A few starlings stumbled in the grass, but the focus was on the songbird symphony, the chorus and accompaniment.
It's good to start walking again. I haven't for awhile, and I'm really out of shape again.
A new twist: I've acquired my asthma symptoms again. Last night I had a more acute coughing, short of breath episode. I don't know what brought it on. It calmed after I used my inhaler and took an allergy pill. This morning I took an alllergy pill before I went walking. I could breathe pretty well, but still have that chest congestion and short of breath thing going on. I have a dr.s appt this week, so I'll ask her about it. I can hear the results already. "Well, you have some lung congestion, so here's a prescription....and if that doesn't work, come back.....blah, blah, blah." Finally, "take two aspirin and call me in the morning."
I'm going over to see B's baby today, I hope. I haven't seen her in a week or so; will take another picture!
Then, I think I'll go look at new washing machines at the discount place and see if I can afford one of them. Maybe that will calm my neighbor who thinks my old machine makes too much noise for her to be happy. So I try to tiptoe around doing my laundry when I see her car is gone....which is about the same time mine is gone most of the time, since her work schedule seems similar to mine. It is frustrating....for both of us, I suppose. She suggested I do my laundry elsewhere, but I'm not about to pay to do my laundry when I finally have a machine of my own, even if it is old and noisy! (The funny part is that I can't hear it at all in my place! ...The machine is in the basement.)
Over spring break I have a whole list of things I want to get done. Here's to accomplishment and some time for myself! At least if I go in to the office to catch up on paperwork, I've got a different paradigm: I catch up on my work among my home projects, rather than doing home projects sandwiched into the work projects!
I've walked so much I have a headache. Must lie down......rest.......ahhhhhhh.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
NEWS! Changes, Spring Break!
Well, the winter doldrums are over and though it is still raining, the daffodils are blooming and there is a promise of sunshine soon to come.
I made myself drive out of town; welcomed my sailor-son home (I'm so thankful he's back!)I don't think my DIL could have waited another SECOND!!!! Congratulations go to my D and SIL on the new job changes. It was SO VERY, VERY good to get with family again. They keep me grounded and sane about who I am.
Today is the next to last day of work until spring break! I have one more kid/parent meeting later this afternoon and then I can collapse at home before heading back to work at the office on Friday: dutifully fulfill my place at meetings, make a few phone calls to prep for April and be done with it for awhile....well, you know a teacher's work is never, never really done. I do plan to do some home visits and play catch up next week, but it will be on my own time schedule. I will work it in around some home projects as top priority for a change. And if the sun shines! HAH! Work will have to wait.
Our team's SLP had her baby a short time ago and my hairdresser went into labor yesterday, which made me have to reschedule my h/c appt. Wouldn't you know?! When I made the appt., I asked her about it being so close to her due date, but nah, she said it was fine.....yeah, right. I do wish her the best and will find out next week how it all went.
Back to my 'children'. I'm so impressed by the way they are handling their lives. Their experiences are exciting to hear and observe. I'm excited for SIL's new job that will give him new challenges and help them finance the rest of their remodeling projects the way they really want to do them. I'm so very thankful that my son chose DIL as his wife.....they make a great couple and are so happy to be together again! Whew! and double WHEW! My D is so quiet, I miss hearing from her, but when I do catch up, it's so great! My cup is full for awhile till I need a refill.
I look forward to time off.
Are you watching "American Idol"? I switch back and forth to it. I'll bet the rocker wins. There hasn't been a rocker yet. Don't you think it really is all 'conspired' ahead of time?
Latest quote for the day: "When you're feeling blue...................Breathe!"
One of my little home visit people called me 'gam-ma' today and the mom just hooted! I feel both positive and negative about the name......it means I'm getting OLD, but also that I've gained some beauty and wisdom to meet the criteria. From the 'little person's' point of view, it was probably the OLD part s/he observed!
I made myself drive out of town; welcomed my sailor-son home (I'm so thankful he's back!)I don't think my DIL could have waited another SECOND!!!! Congratulations go to my D and SIL on the new job changes. It was SO VERY, VERY good to get with family again. They keep me grounded and sane about who I am.
Today is the next to last day of work until spring break! I have one more kid/parent meeting later this afternoon and then I can collapse at home before heading back to work at the office on Friday: dutifully fulfill my place at meetings, make a few phone calls to prep for April and be done with it for awhile....well, you know a teacher's work is never, never really done. I do plan to do some home visits and play catch up next week, but it will be on my own time schedule. I will work it in around some home projects as top priority for a change. And if the sun shines! HAH! Work will have to wait.
Our team's SLP had her baby a short time ago and my hairdresser went into labor yesterday, which made me have to reschedule my h/c appt. Wouldn't you know?! When I made the appt., I asked her about it being so close to her due date, but nah, she said it was fine.....yeah, right. I do wish her the best and will find out next week how it all went.
Back to my 'children'. I'm so impressed by the way they are handling their lives. Their experiences are exciting to hear and observe. I'm excited for SIL's new job that will give him new challenges and help them finance the rest of their remodeling projects the way they really want to do them. I'm so very thankful that my son chose DIL as his wife.....they make a great couple and are so happy to be together again! Whew! and double WHEW! My D is so quiet, I miss hearing from her, but when I do catch up, it's so great! My cup is full for awhile till I need a refill.
I look forward to time off.
Are you watching "American Idol"? I switch back and forth to it. I'll bet the rocker wins. There hasn't been a rocker yet. Don't you think it really is all 'conspired' ahead of time?
Latest quote for the day: "When you're feeling blue...................Breathe!"
One of my little home visit people called me 'gam-ma' today and the mom just hooted! I feel both positive and negative about the name......it means I'm getting OLD, but also that I've gained some beauty and wisdom to meet the criteria. From the 'little person's' point of view, it was probably the OLD part s/he observed!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Timing is Everything
Sometimes I think I've waited my whole life to be 56. Finally, I have enough experience behind me to have some wisdom about life. I have confidence to present information in front of a group. I know what I know. I release the constant thinking about my body type and just let it be (mostly). And yet, just when I think "I've made it," I realize how much I don't know, how my memory skips a beat more and more often. I am, in all respects, growing older and falling away from the young, mainstream of life. Sometimes this frightens me; sometimes I am content to fall away and be satisfied with things more simple, grounded in the earth. I want to share the knowledge and wisdom I've gained through my years, yet it is meaningless to most, as they must gain their own wisdom as they plot and walk their own journeys. I can only pray that God will show me when to remain silent and when I must speak up; timing is everything.
I've even begun to enjoy gardening a bit, despite the allergies. I look forward to the beautiful, simple things of life, buds, blossoms, the birds' spring songs, blue sky, sweet smelling spring rains, violets scenting the sidewalks, my lilac's buds, waiting for the right time to burst into beauty. God's timing, we like to rush it.
I finally enjoy classical music; have begun to abhor the blathering TV. Even most movies sicken me, as they are so violent. I don't want to relive the crisis scenes depicted on the big screen. Movie themes seem so repetitive and dark, hardly worth filtering through my mind.
Although I hang on to sentimental 'things', I have urgency to continue to sort it and to let it go. It will be meaningless to those left behind when I rest in my final peace. I don't even enjoy 'shopping till I drop' anymore. I go get what I need and that's it. There's no thrill in the 'hunt' for a perfect bargain; it is just tiring to gather more 'things.'
Have I lost part of the joy of life, just waiting to be 56? No, I think my moments of extreme joy have turned to gratitude and some contentment with life's ups and downs. I keep journeying, day to day. What is God's timeline for me in his big scheme of things? Am I on it? Timing is Everything.
I've even begun to enjoy gardening a bit, despite the allergies. I look forward to the beautiful, simple things of life, buds, blossoms, the birds' spring songs, blue sky, sweet smelling spring rains, violets scenting the sidewalks, my lilac's buds, waiting for the right time to burst into beauty. God's timing, we like to rush it.
I finally enjoy classical music; have begun to abhor the blathering TV. Even most movies sicken me, as they are so violent. I don't want to relive the crisis scenes depicted on the big screen. Movie themes seem so repetitive and dark, hardly worth filtering through my mind.
Although I hang on to sentimental 'things', I have urgency to continue to sort it and to let it go. It will be meaningless to those left behind when I rest in my final peace. I don't even enjoy 'shopping till I drop' anymore. I go get what I need and that's it. There's no thrill in the 'hunt' for a perfect bargain; it is just tiring to gather more 'things.'
Have I lost part of the joy of life, just waiting to be 56? No, I think my moments of extreme joy have turned to gratitude and some contentment with life's ups and downs. I keep journeying, day to day. What is God's timeline for me in his big scheme of things? Am I on it? Timing is Everything.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
A Walk in the Park
Finally, today, the cold snap snapped. I think it is actually up to 40 degrees F. As I walked along, the little duck pond at the Mortuary was still frozen over, except for about a 12"-round space, where someone had probably thrown a rock through. The ice looked about 1/2' thick.
Bicyclists were numerous; moms and dads with babies in strollers walked along. The river is finally contained in its banks. In the Marsh, several Great Blue Herons were perched in stretches of running water, numerous ducks and geese were calling and, I believe I saw several buffleheads. It was hard to tell from the top of the bluff, with the water glimmering in the sunlight sparkling on it. Joggers did their thing and some hearty souls even attempted tennis and basketball. There was a teamed frisbee scrimmage on the grassy field. Many were walking dogs: big, small, fluffy, short haired, panting, leashed, unleashed. A few dogs had sweaters on, but many braved the weather with only their birthday suits.
The camelias were blooming more profusely and filling their bushes. Soon a variety of pink and white blossoms will nearly hide the shiny green leaves. The daffodils seemed to have survived the freeze and are still blooming yellow, reflecting the beauty of this sun filled day.
Somehow my heart is not sunny, though, today. I'm filled with uneasiness and sadness. I can't pinpoint it. Earlier I was pretty involved in a book I read. Maybe it touched a chord in my own soul. I do miss my kids and wish I'd gone to see my daughter. Can't change that now. Life is full of decisions and I truly wish I could make the wisest ones that will give me a flourishing life.
Floundering or flourishing. Is it just a Walk in the Park?
Bicyclists were numerous; moms and dads with babies in strollers walked along. The river is finally contained in its banks. In the Marsh, several Great Blue Herons were perched in stretches of running water, numerous ducks and geese were calling and, I believe I saw several buffleheads. It was hard to tell from the top of the bluff, with the water glimmering in the sunlight sparkling on it. Joggers did their thing and some hearty souls even attempted tennis and basketball. There was a teamed frisbee scrimmage on the grassy field. Many were walking dogs: big, small, fluffy, short haired, panting, leashed, unleashed. A few dogs had sweaters on, but many braved the weather with only their birthday suits.
The camelias were blooming more profusely and filling their bushes. Soon a variety of pink and white blossoms will nearly hide the shiny green leaves. The daffodils seemed to have survived the freeze and are still blooming yellow, reflecting the beauty of this sun filled day.
Somehow my heart is not sunny, though, today. I'm filled with uneasiness and sadness. I can't pinpoint it. Earlier I was pretty involved in a book I read. Maybe it touched a chord in my own soul. I do miss my kids and wish I'd gone to see my daughter. Can't change that now. Life is full of decisions and I truly wish I could make the wisest ones that will give me a flourishing life.
Floundering or flourishing. Is it just a Walk in the Park?
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Playing with my Heart
Valentine's Day; >Sigh<
Mostly Valentine's Day is, for me, a day to attempt avoiding too many sweets. I was inundated with the stuff all around me today. This school site had "secret pals" (I hate the 'secret pals' thing, but that's for another day) and little sweet gifts kept popping up, appearing all over. The fact that none were for me was both a blessing, more of a blessing, and a curse. But it was all around, chocolate hearts, cookie hearts, frosting hearts, jelly hearts, sugary candy hearts. I'd been hoarding a 25-cent box of the sugary candy hearts in my cupboard for weeks. I love the things. Very addictive. But I've been SAVING them for 'just in case'. I'm on this diet this month, you know. I'm trying to stay low on the preservatives, sugar, salt, processed food. "Just in case" I had these sugary candy hearts. Its a real bummer to be on a diet (no, I'm making a LIFESTYLE change) on Valentine's Day. I really want the Dairy Queen's special Blizzard "Choc cherry love", a yummy chocolate bon bon and a dozen roses, please. (Oh yes, a florist delivered a flower bouquet in the midst of the day at the school site, also...not for this oldie, of course.) >Sigh, again.<
Back to the sugary candy hearts. All day, I kept thinking, okay, if I can just make it home, I can indulge in that little box...it kept me going. I ate my lunch, I ate my apple, I nibbled on the raw almonds, raisins and 1 Tablespoon of chocolate chips (nondiary, vegan ones) I had brought. It satisfied my cravings mostly. Finally I was home. Okay, okay, don't go crazy here.
I looked at the little box of hearts. I really should stay on the diet. Only 10 days till we are weighed again. Okay. I'll make vegan chocolate chip bars. Mmmmmmm. Satisfaction. So, okay, I ate too many. They were good! I suppose they aren't as bad at the other. After all, all pure ingredients, limited sugar (only pure Maple syrup), limited salt, pure grains, vegan choco chips. But too many. I've got to stop eating "too many". Choices are better, but TOO MANY.
Oh, and the sugary, candy hearts? I ate about 1/3 of the box and went 'yuck'! Dropped a little one on the floor,
"No way" it said. Lilo cupped it in her little paw and started batting it all over. Smile, I did. Fun she had, playing with my heart. Pure play, pure love, pure chocolate. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mostly Valentine's Day is, for me, a day to attempt avoiding too many sweets. I was inundated with the stuff all around me today. This school site had "secret pals" (I hate the 'secret pals' thing, but that's for another day) and little sweet gifts kept popping up, appearing all over. The fact that none were for me was both a blessing, more of a blessing, and a curse. But it was all around, chocolate hearts, cookie hearts, frosting hearts, jelly hearts, sugary candy hearts. I'd been hoarding a 25-cent box of the sugary candy hearts in my cupboard for weeks. I love the things. Very addictive. But I've been SAVING them for 'just in case'. I'm on this diet this month, you know. I'm trying to stay low on the preservatives, sugar, salt, processed food. "Just in case" I had these sugary candy hearts. Its a real bummer to be on a diet (no, I'm making a LIFESTYLE change) on Valentine's Day. I really want the Dairy Queen's special Blizzard "Choc cherry love", a yummy chocolate bon bon and a dozen roses, please. (Oh yes, a florist delivered a flower bouquet in the midst of the day at the school site, also...not for this oldie, of course.) >Sigh, again.<
Back to the sugary candy hearts. All day, I kept thinking, okay, if I can just make it home, I can indulge in that little box...it kept me going. I ate my lunch, I ate my apple, I nibbled on the raw almonds, raisins and 1 Tablespoon of chocolate chips (nondiary, vegan ones) I had brought. It satisfied my cravings mostly. Finally I was home. Okay, okay, don't go crazy here.
I looked at the little box of hearts. I really should stay on the diet. Only 10 days till we are weighed again. Okay. I'll make vegan chocolate chip bars. Mmmmmmm. Satisfaction. So, okay, I ate too many. They were good! I suppose they aren't as bad at the other. After all, all pure ingredients, limited sugar (only pure Maple syrup), limited salt, pure grains, vegan choco chips. But too many. I've got to stop eating "too many". Choices are better, but TOO MANY.
Oh, and the sugary, candy hearts? I ate about 1/3 of the box and went 'yuck'! Dropped a little one on the floor,
"No way" it said. Lilo cupped it in her little paw and started batting it all over. Smile, I did. Fun she had, playing with my heart. Pure play, pure love, pure chocolate. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Springtime and Change
Spring brings warm sunshine,
Bunnies, lambs, kittens,
Green grass, blue sky, daffodils,
Laughing children,
Change running free.
Change is grief ridden.
Grief and loss over things present and past
Uncertainty of the present and future.
Change is hard
Change is renewal
Change is fresh air
Take a deep breath.
Families change during spring,
Families experience grief and pain.
Painful pasts, uncertainty of the future
Stuck in grief and the painful present.
Spring unleashes a yearning,
Yearning for change.
Fearful,
Uncertain,
Hopeful,
Stressful,
Anxiety ridden,
Expectant.
Will expectations be dashed?
Will promises by fulfilled?
Will change take place?
Will change bring more pain?
Loss
Grief
Hope
Expectancy
Pain
Excruciating work
Sobs
Intensive work
Gasp
Tough work
Grasp
More work
Fewer tears
Further work
Foothold
Springtime
Joy!
Change…
Bunnies, lambs, kittens,
Green grass, blue sky, daffodils,
Laughing children,
Change running free.
Change is grief ridden.
Grief and loss over things present and past
Uncertainty of the present and future.
Change is hard
Change is renewal
Change is fresh air
Take a deep breath.
Families change during spring,
Families experience grief and pain.
Painful pasts, uncertainty of the future
Stuck in grief and the painful present.
Spring unleashes a yearning,
Yearning for change.
Fearful,
Uncertain,
Hopeful,
Stressful,
Anxiety ridden,
Expectant.
Will expectations be dashed?
Will promises by fulfilled?
Will change take place?
Will change bring more pain?
Loss
Grief
Hope
Expectancy
Pain
Excruciating work
Sobs
Intensive work
Gasp
Tough work
Grasp
More work
Fewer tears
Further work
Foothold
Springtime
Joy!
Change…
Sunday, February 05, 2006
SUNSHINE!
Sun shining
I'm walking
Sun shining
Heather blooming
Sun shining
Squirrels scampering
Sun shining
Water receding
Sun shining
Gardens anticipating
Sun shining
Mudslides drying
Sun shining
Trees budding
Sun shining
Camelias flowering
Sun shining
River shimmering
Sun shining
Ducks mating
Sun shining
Air invigorating
Sun shining
Crocuses peeking
Sun shining
Shorebirds swimming
Sun shining
Dogs dancing
Sun shining
People Smiling.
I'm walking
Sun shining
Heather blooming
Sun shining
Squirrels scampering
Sun shining
Water receding
Sun shining
Gardens anticipating
Sun shining
Mudslides drying
Sun shining
Trees budding
Sun shining
Camelias flowering
Sun shining
River shimmering
Sun shining
Ducks mating
Sun shining
Air invigorating
Sun shining
Crocuses peeking
Sun shining
Shorebirds swimming
Sun shining
Dogs dancing
Sun shining
People Smiling.
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