Yes, he's Disgusting!!!!!

So, today dad and I are talking on the phone and he said he told his pedicurist (yah, he can't bend over to do his own toe nails)that he'd pay me $10 for every pound I lost. He TOLD his PEDICURIST this!!!!!!! I told him he was rude to talk about my weight to her or anyone else. I also told him he should worry about taking care of himself, not me. After attempting to ignore a few more of his comments, I hung up. OOOOOHHHHH. Sometimes I HATE him. Too strong for you? Deal with it.


Yes, yesterday he mentioned my weight and told me that he'd pay me for losing weight. I poo-pooed him then and tried to let it roll off like water on a duck's back. Now?

Talk about bribery. And as I think back, that's exactly what he did when he wanted me to get 'A's on my report card. Only it was only $.50/A back then. I used to think it was because he was proud of me. Not now. Now I realize that he's worried about what other people in his little world might think about him. He has such 'little man' syndrome. And such an over swollen ego. And he calls Me selfish.

Okay, I've vented.
Later in the evening: he's also berating me about my finances. He goes on and on and on because I won't share my financial situation with him. We must be hitting the peak of the abuse cycle.

Poor Me.

I'm bored. Depressed. Why?, I ask myself. I have several things I need to do: Numero Uno: sort bills, pay what I can. I'm really in the worst financial corner I've been in for a long time.

#2 Clean patio and re-do/finish a flower bed. Decide what to do with sunburned plants. I thought this patio would be heavenly, but there is a fair wind blowing most all the time and all the crap (shedding bark, seed balls, leaves, sticks, etc.) get wind tossed into my patio. It's very discouraging. I can't just walk out there and sit without cleaning off table and chairs (and yes, I cover them!) I'd buy a patio cover and go to a nursery to buy soil, plants and decor, but I have no money...see first thing I need to do.

#3 I found all my frames to make a photo collage of the family to put on my dining room wall, but I have no money to get correct sized prints to hang. AND, I have to figure out how order pictures from the ones online that are recent.

#4 I could clean house some more and it needs it, but I'm tired of cleaning house. As I well know by this time of my life, I can clean until my hands are raw and my back aches and my house will still need to be cleaned somewhere!

I hate calling people I work with to see if they'd like to get together. They all have their own lives with families and established friends close at hand. I'm tired of being with dad, though he has 'molded' to my boundaries most of the time. He's 'dad'. Not a friend.

I'm tired of being FAT, yes, FAT: on the border of OBESE!!!! I carry most of my weight in my gut, which is a heart attack waiting to happen, I understand. It also makes me look 5 months pregnant; which is very discouraging at my age. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window and I'm appalled. I look worse than old, I look OLD and FAT and OUT OF SHAPE! I've been faithfully exercising for a week and now my knees ache again. I still have tingly numbness in my left thigh which doesn't seem to change with/without exercise. I think it must have something to do with a partially pinched nerve in my back? I feel like I'll never get the extra weight off and I KNOW it's not good for me. At high altitudes I have trouble breathing, and I'm sure my extra weight doesn't help.

I want to be active, get things done, lose weight, but guess I don't have enough motivation as I do little about it. It seems that unless I have specific deadlines and lots of accountability (like a job),I don't get much done. How can I change to have self-motivation, anyway?

I guess its a family thing. ADHD,learning disabilities,depression, etc., all run in the family. Some days I feel like I have all of them together. Can I blame heredity? I'm really searching here!

I'm so disappointed in myself that I can't budget and control my finances...look how old I am?! I cheated myself out of a trip to TN that I was really looking forward to, just because I got carried away on my trip to the NW. (Hit forehead) What WAS I Thinking? I wasn't, obviously. I have bad 'impulse buying' issues. But, I see my dad has those too. Maybe I "learned" it from him. (Heredity, again?)

I'm really feeling sorry for myself. I'd go up in the mountains, but it is not safe to hike alone, especially here. Cougars, bears and other people with guns. Besides, I don't have the money to buy a park permit so I could actually park my car to hike....money issues again.(At least I can't blame heredity.) When I age to 62 years, the permit goes from $80 to $10. Amazing, huh? One perk in being a senior.

Guess that's all I can complain about for now. It's even cooled off to rain a bit.

If

For awhile, in college, I contemplated studying theology. I looked at the few girls doing that and decided they were just too 'weird'. Stupid reasoning, admitted. I wonder what would have happened had I chosen this path. Would I have given up on the church all together? Would I have been a 'pioneer' in women's ordination or some other cause? Teaching is my talent, but it could have gone a lot of directions. What is your talent? What direction will it take you/has it taken you?

Summer

It's been awhile since I've blogged, but I've had lots of little experiences I thought would make for good fodder. However, they usually disappear from my memory unless I write them down within a few hours, so here's some triteness.

I spent a good portion of June in my beloved Pacific NW visiting friends and family. It was a good emotional and mental shot in the arm. I came back ready to take on dad again and with some ways to set good boundaries with him.

I enjoyed (and got worn out by) spending a few days with my grandson! He is growing so fast. And while I am extremely delighted to have spent time with him, I have deep sorrow that I, once again, did not manage my funds well enough to go visit my granddaughter who is also growing so fast and has changed from baby to little girl. I want to visit and support my TN family, too, but they seem so far away!

I pray for all of them that God will bless and protect them.

Tuesday:

I have been over to Dad's twice today when he needed help. Once, he wanted me to help put the fitted sheets on his bed and the other time help him put some bar chairs together that he'd had re-upholstered. He spent probably $75-$100 dollars on the two chairs at a second-hand store, then had them reupholstered for another $80 in a fabric that doesn't match the rest of his furniture at all. Then he couldn't get them back together because he didn't have the strength or perception to get the screws in the correct spot, straight and tight. It's sad when I have more ability than he does to do those things. He still thinks of me as the 10 year old helping him do home projects. Thankfully he doesn't cuss me out since I've set boundaries with him and he allows me to use the tools when he is tired or stumped or both. He has mellowed and understands his limits...sometimes.

I finally told him he needs to just get what he needs and not worry about trying to save a dollar because he's spending twice as much as new things would have cost. He did the same thing with the drapes he put up. He bought drapes from JCP, then had them customized for his windows by someone 'he knew,' ending up paying twice as much as if he'd bought customized drapes in the first place. He also had to pay someone to come hang them and then 'because it wasn't right,' had a friend come over and re-hang them. I keep reminding him that he isn't saving any money, as 'thrifty' as he thinks he is.

I'm going to also have to tell him that when school starts, I'm not going to be able to pop in and out to help him. We need to set up a schedule. I've already got one drafted. We'll see how it works. I haven't presented it to him yet. Timing is everything.

The next week...

This week I've gone to two doctors' appointments with dad. I've found that going with him to these appointments is necessary. Because he does not hear well, has very limited concentration and his reasoning memory is getting more compromised daily I need to be with him to help him keep things straightened out, to 'translate' and 'interpret' what the doctor tells him, and to reiterate information to him.

Yesterday, he actually told me he appreciated me doing that. He also made a side bar comment that maybe he shouldn't be driving...and let me drive him around town for his errands. I've gotten to know parts of the VA hospital. I shudder to think about how I would not have been able to do this a few years ago, but now, it seems the right thing to do.

I'm glad I'll be going back to work soon, to 'release' me from the daily drop-ins, but know that I will need to set up specific times to help him out. I'm glad for the job I have that will allow me to do that a little.

I desperately need to develop some friendships here to counteract the dad-ism and caregiver role. Besides looking for a care giver's support group, FRIENDS! I pray daily to God to give me some kindred spirit friends and neighbors here.