Emotional Drama

...leaves in its wake, emotional trauma. But this round is about over and I'm already focusing on work, which absurdly seems a peaceful respite from the emotional chaos my dad creates around himself through denial of reality, that its okay to accept help, that the whole world is not against him (where have I heard that before: YIKES!)or that the rest of the world/family thinks him dumb, stupid and a failure. My, oh my, how strong old childhood tapes are in our heads! He's also convinced that he came here to help me; I'm sure he never told me that was the primary reason he was coming. He told me he wanted to meet his great grandson and be with family for Thanksgiving. I think it was a blessing he made it here without incident; that my sister and I and families were together on Thanksgiving. O added the humor with his 1-year old antics and thorough enjoyment of sitting at the table with us and actually using a spoon and fork...so big, so proud!

He leaves tomorrow evening.I have to drive him to a hotel close to the airport as he leaves on a plane at 6 a.m. Tuesday and I am NOT driving 40 miles at 4 a.m. just to get him there and then go to work after driving the 40 miles back.

He has now begun to drop things. I'm really seeing how he functions alone. He broke a favorite picture frame this morning trying to turn off the radio. I'd already tried putting the radio down on the table for him to see it better, but no, I didn't need to do that, he could figure it out.. problem is, he often can't and when he thinks he can, he breaks stuff. He's over my shoulder now, more later...

So, he's watching football (I hate watching TV football, by the way. Don't ever make me do it. It will be torture.) Last night he had to watch to OK teams play, so I went to my bedroom to read (of course, I really had to concentrate on my reading, even with the door shut, because he turns the TV up full volume to accommodate his hearing loss (Don't get me started on that one!). Then, every 10 minutes or so, he's either coming into the bedroom to tell me some 'exciting' football thing or a story the game had reminded him of. It was just like it was when I was living at home. I'd made a decision to follow Sabbath wholly (sundown to sundown) and would retire early to my room on Friday evening to read my Bible...yeah, I really did that. He would come into my room, turn on my radio to the local football game, talk to me about how I should be more supporting of the team, and then leave...even with my door closed. No privacy whatever. No boundaries. Remember? So, after he'd leave, I'd turn off the radio and start reading again. This scenario would repeat itself 5 or 6 times during the evening. I was convinced he was just trying to get me to give up my religious choices. Those feelings of disgust, and I must admit, hatred, are hard to let go of. He still chides me about my religion on one hand, and then says how much he misses his prayer books (written by E.G. White) and how much we need to follow the Ten Commandments. Will he go to church with me.....are you kidding?

I'm full up with his emotional tirades about how 'this baby boomer generation is ruining the world, doesn't know discipline, and is so stupid in politics, religion, business dealings, etc.' This plays out in his small world, such as purchasing that washer and dryer for me. I won't bore you with the drama that went on about that episode, but it took CB2 to get him to calm down. She's become a very strong advocate and interpreter for me when I am too emotionally strung out with him to function. This is why I live so far away. He doesn't get it. He's convinced I'm just too selfish to love him......and I don't even come close to being the person that he somehow sees me being in his head.

I am me. I am still me. He will be gone soon...in more than one way. It will be traumatic to 'put it all away.' He's set up so many things in his will for us to take care of when he's gone.

When he gets home, I can just hear him talk about what a great trip he had, the family he got to be with, how wonderful his great grandson is.

I'm not sure what psychological profile he fits into, but I know there's one out there.

Okay, so dysfunctional families are harder to deal with and harder to let go of because one always hopes in heart and soul, that things will change and be better. We are who we are without Christ. My prayer is that God will change me into His child more each day.

Okay, Alright. Just Shut up, already!!!!!

My dad is here. Talking nonstop. Giving me advice, talking about his poor, work driven life. Talking about how I haven't really lived life...meaning I haven't caroused and been in the thick of the drinking, dancing, carousing. So what! I've chosen a different way. I've seen what all that can do to people. I work with them every single day. Does he get that? He doesn't even try to see my point of view. His way is the ONLY WAY! He has all the answers for the world's problems, you don't even have to ask him. He just keeps yapping and yapping and yapping.

Oh for peace and quiet. He's in the shower right now. Thankfully it is quiet. He's tormented Lilo so much she's skittish even around me. It's taken me all this time to make her into a lovable cat and now he's made her hypersensitive to anyone approaching...on one hand, he wants her to act like a dog, so he teases her until she whacks at him, jumps in the air, or hides somewhere. She's had to defend her cat tree from his invasions.

Which leads me to the crux of it all. He has distorted boundaries and does not respect other people's boundaries.

For example, he expects my SIL to take him to a store today (he makes plans without asking first) and buy me a washer and dryer. Do I get to help choose what kind i want? No, he knows best, damn it! (His words, not mine.) So am I grateful for the washer and dryer? Yes, but will I feel the toxicity of his gift every time I use it? yes.

I've had an extremely busy week at work with lots of extra paperwork for parent teacher conferences coming this Monday and Tuesday. I've worked until 8 p.m. sometimes this week. I've been exhausted when I get home and ache for quiet and peace in my own home, but here is my dad. Waiting and wanting company.

Thank you God for Sabbath. He won't come to church with me, but brought at least 3 suits.

So for now. I'm relishing in this moment of quiet. Oh, oh. The shower just turned off. I'd better go. (Oh, he reads the computer over my shoulder when I have it on, too.)

This is a great place to vent!

Letting It Out

Perhaps I shouldn't use this forum to expose my feelings, but I guess I want two things: 1) selfishly, I probably want sympathy 2)I want those of you out there who read this to evaluate whether or not I'm deeply into irrational thinking. If so, I'll go find a counselor!

Because most of my time is spent on the job, I yearn to have good relationships, friendships and feelings that I am contributing positively to children's lives and impacting the school as a whole through my participation in their program. I don't feel that emotionally nor do I cognitively see results that my teaching is accepted.

Because 1st and 2nd year teachers are 'on probation', we have two evaluations/yr and the first of those comes after 2 observations at the 90 day mark. This year, after a blow up with the principal on my first observation, I got smart and brought a teacher's union representative with me to every meeting. She calmed down to a professional level and I had a more positive evaluation at the 90 day mark. But what she wrote was like talking out of both sides of her mouth. I'll never be 'good enough' for her. Somehow she just has it in for me.

The children I work with are moderately to severely impacted by their disabilities and it is very difficult to teach them anything. Their futures look bleak. Some have degenerative diseases, so their time on this earth is limited. Their parents are stressed and have limited or no parenting skills (some are just out of special education programs themselves) and I can't seem to get the school involved in parenting programs. (They are invited to go to the one Head Start offers, but it's methods do not meet the needs of my special ed kids.) I am frustrated. To offer a variety of materials, I have spent way too much of my own money.

Which brings me to my own finances. I'm way in debt and am not getting my bills paid even halfway on time. When this happens, my pattern is to ignore it, unconsciously/consciously hoping it will all go away. Of course it doesn't, it just increases and stresses me out even more. I joined Consumer Credit Counseling and just yesterday I got a notice that I was way overdue in payments from one creditor....one that CCC was supposed to be paying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRGGGHHHH
Will it never end?

My dear daughter and son-in-law have helped me so much since I moved here. They helped me find or bought car seats so O could ride with me, have helped me out in little ways I could never repay, gifting me with big items. I truly appreciate it! I also feel guilty that I cannot be of more help to them when they need it. I love seeing them build their nest, teaching/playing with little O and allowing me to be with him so much!

I terribly miss my son and daughter-in-law in TN. I've only seen my new little granddaughter once, and I miss connecting with that precious family! Of course, financially, I don't have $ to go visit them, nor they have $ to visit here. They are happily struggling to finish school, remodeling their home and caring for little E. Finances, again.

And then my dad. He is coming to visit - for THREE weeks! I live 1000 miles away from him for a reason. He has skewed boundaries.....and doesn't respect other people's. I don't want him to meet my school colleagues, as he might screw up the very tentative relationship I have with the principal, but I figure he'll find a way to intrude, even when I set the boundaries for him. He's like that. I know he'll expect me to be with him in the evenings, and I often work till 6, leaving for work at 7:30 a.m. And this is an extremely busy time at school, as we have Parent Teacher conferences before thanksgiving (involves a LOT of paperwork and testing.) I have three new students for which I am writing assessments and IEPs, which have to be done as well. If I was just doing paperwork between now and Thanksgiving, I would keep busy, but I'm also starting new specialized curriculum and teaching all day. I have a very small house; thankfully there are two bedrooms. But I can't afford a bed for the guest bedroom, so I'm moving my bed in there and borrowing an air bed from a friend. AARRGGHH, again. So for three weeks, I hope I get some good sleep, otherwise I'm going to be really crazy at the end. I don't do well without good sleep!

Which leads me to say that I am tired of the hard work. I would like to have an 8-4 job that I could leave at 4 p.m. and not think about until I'm back at it the next day. But can I afford to make a change? Not on your life! I'm deeply in debt, remember? I don't know how long I can keep going... I am getting old and tired and cynical.

Back to my dad. I was highly looking forward to Thanksgiving as a time to relax and enjoy some days with CEO. Unfortunately that will be inhibited by having to keep my dad busy so he doesn't drive everyone crazy. Oh, did I tell you that my sister also lives in town and she and I have only begun to communicate again and that she has dis-owned my dad for over 20 years? Well, even knowing that my dad is coming, she decided she'd like to join us for Thanksgiving! AAARRRRGGGHHHH! I think it will last all of five minutes and then all Hell will break loose, my daughter's energy toward making one of her first family Thanksgivings special will most likely be ruined.....I'm just saying.................

Oh, and since I'll be at work all day (outside of Thanksgiving break), Dad thinks he can use my car during the day. My only hope is that he'll wreck it and have to buy me a new one. (I know what you're thinking; No, I don't wish him harm; it wouldn't take much to total my 1997 car!)

My health seems to be holding up; just had a check up recently, and after several years on hormones, have been able to give them up and still feel as good as when I was on them. Getting old, old, old. I increased another med fro better sleep and it has really helped. I do need to have my cholesterol checked. It seems to be a weak spot.

My joy is in being with my little O and family. So at the same time I'm delighting in that and being constantly amazed by his bright intelligence, I'm missing my other family in TN. I could keep happily busy just being a grandma! Being a Grandma is truly the greatest!!!!!!!

I visited Portland finally last weekend. Remember "Portland or Bust"? I was afraid I wouldn't make it, as I had a flat tire early that week and thought I was going to have to buy tires, but then remembered it was time to put on the winter tires, so I did that and will worry about buying tires in the spring (as though I'll have the money then:o{ That week before I went to Portland I locked myself out of my house (the door knob was loose) and had that flat tire. Thankfully C helped me get back in the house. We were able to loosen the knob even more and unlatch it. I had one of my few work friends get her hubby to help fix my tire enough to get to the tire store. Thankfully, the weather was cooperative and gas prices were lower, so I made it to Portland fine. My friends in Portland aren't faring well either. One friend has extreme hip pain and they can't seem to find what's wrong; her sister recently died of illness and her sister's hubby, who took a trip to Hawaii with his grown daughter 6 weeks later, died of a heart attack while scuba diving there. My friend is living with her daughter and family who made their formal dining and living rooms into a two room "apartment"for her. She shares kitchen and bath facilities. I don't know how she does it. I'd feel claustrophobic. Sometimes her daughter is very non-feeling toward her.

Another of my friends in Portland lost her directorship job last July and has not been able to find a job since. She is quite depressed. Her joy, too, is coming from her granddaughter living nearby. One of this friend's grown daughters graduated from college last spring and has yet to find a job, either. She is supporting herself, though, through waitressing.

My S and DIL are having a hard time of it, as her job is slowing way down and she fears it may be ending soon. She is the primary bread winner with S in school. I ache to send them some $ to help make ends meet.

Of course I pray for all of us spiritually. Jesus is coming soon; the 'signs of the times' tell it all. For that, I have great hope and try to lay my fears on Him. I do pray for my friends and family out there. I love you all. You are the spark that keeps me going.

So onward into the day....cleaning house (my dad is OC about cleanliness) and setting up the back bedroom. Yuck. Time will pass. I'll be fine. Pray for me! Pray for D and SIL and O! Pray for my sis and her hubby. Pray for dad! Pray, pray, pray. :>}