Christmas went well, and I loved spending time with CEO. E surprised C by buying and putting up a Christmas tree complete with decor for her to wake up to on Christmas morn. Can you think of anything more romantic? My camera was on the fritz, so I didn't get any pictures.
My printer won't work, my computer is bogged down, the TV stations are all fuzzy without cable and I'm technically and financially challenged to the hilt. All of that leaves me feeling displaced, unorganized, out-of-sync with my world. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever 'get in sync' here in WW.
I've looked on the internet for New Year's Eve doings and unless I want to go to the Elks' dinner/dance, or travel to Tricities for their celelbration, there's nothing here. I've never seen so little community spirit. I laughed my head off about OH's spirit, but at least they had spirit and enthusiasm!
I'm deeply in love with spending time with CE and especially little O, but I tire easily. They spent the night recently as their floors were drying from the final finish, and I can say that I know now why I had children when I was young. I just don't have that internal fountain of energy that somehow you dig into when you are young. Little O slept 10 hours straight; I woke up a couple times just worrying about it! Dumb. With that and my usual trip to the bathroom during the night, I didn't feel very rested in the a.m. Yet, I loved seeing my family and the little bright-eyed boy in the morning. He smiles and grins in recognition and actually gets his thumb in his mouth to suck while he sort of 'twists' his hair on the back of his head. He can't get that organized neurologically in the afternoons when he's tired (and when I often get to see him when I'm working). It's so wonderful to watch him grow. And his parents are doing such a great job loving him!
I really can't think of anything else that's important to say. It's late and I should get to bed, as I have a lot I want to accomplish tomorrow.....that I didn't get done today. Work I need to do at school is already starting to eat away at my brain, so I will end up going there this week to see what I can accomplish.
Life goes on, and on, and on, and on. Yawn.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Should be Thankful, not Grouchy
This morning I woke up grouchy. The cat jumped up on my dresser, knocking over my little breakables (but didn't break any). I didn't want her up there and didn't want her to knock over the glass lantern I have up there, so I grabbed her and dropped her on the floor. Now I feel so-o-o-o bad because she's limping and holding up her front paw. She never yelped or anything. She lets me touch it, so I can't figure out where it might be hurt. Oh, patience.
I think I'm also grouchy because I really want to go to the church's brunch, but it is early and I want to be at P.O. when it opens at 10 a.m. to pick up a registered letter. I tried to get it yesterday after work, but the postal carrier was still on his route, so the letter hadn't returned to the P.O. Makes me so angry! First of all, I had to FIND the P.O., then I had to find a legal place to PARK, then I had to WAIT IN LINE. I hate overcrowding. The P.O. will probably have an extra long line up today. Gruff. (P.O. open from 10-2 today)
And I'm mad at myself for all the junk food I've been blithely downing. Took my blood pressure and weight at the local pharmacy while I was WAITING IN LINE to get a prescription this week and WHOA! This old woman needs to go on a serious weight reduction plan. Plus exercise. I haven't since I moved here and I'm feeling like a 'bowl full of jelly'. Ho, Ho, Ho.
Guess I'll go see what the cat's up to now. I hear her prowling in something!
I think I'm also grouchy because I really want to go to the church's brunch, but it is early and I want to be at P.O. when it opens at 10 a.m. to pick up a registered letter. I tried to get it yesterday after work, but the postal carrier was still on his route, so the letter hadn't returned to the P.O. Makes me so angry! First of all, I had to FIND the P.O., then I had to find a legal place to PARK, then I had to WAIT IN LINE. I hate overcrowding. The P.O. will probably have an extra long line up today. Gruff. (P.O. open from 10-2 today)
And I'm mad at myself for all the junk food I've been blithely downing. Took my blood pressure and weight at the local pharmacy while I was WAITING IN LINE to get a prescription this week and WHOA! This old woman needs to go on a serious weight reduction plan. Plus exercise. I haven't since I moved here and I'm feeling like a 'bowl full of jelly'. Ho, Ho, Ho.
Guess I'll go see what the cat's up to now. I hear her prowling in something!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Potpourri
Snow... our third snow of the season. Wet, heavy snow with large snowflakes drifting down. Beautiful in the night, a veritable pure jewel-like state in the morning light.
Speaking my mind: Aging: Growing older has an interesting quality of bringing wisdom from experience and a reflective state of thinking about life. Then sharing just enough but not too much.
I remember being so unsure, so full of anxiety and insecurity when I was a teen. Adults told me I would grow out of it. A lot they knew, I thought.
Then, being in my 20's, being full of life's dreams and expectations, seeing some of those come to fruition, thinking the world was mine.
Getting to my thirties and forties, having some experience and energy to follow through with hard work, I forged ahead to bigger and better dreams, looking askance at those 50 and older who seemed to fall out of the current and drift along the sidelines...happily! It seemed irresponsible to me. They had so much to give! Why didn't they share their wisdom and then let me use it to 'go up the ladder of success'! Still thinking pretty selfishly.
Reaching that age of 40-ish where life seemed to trudge on and I asked, "Is this all there is to life? I'm burned out!" Then seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence, trying it and finding more pain and upset of the principles of my life than I ever thought possible. Righting that as best I could, I trudged on, asking forgiveness and remaking my life.
Reaching fifty. Saying to myself that I've reached the 1/2 century mark. Yes, 1/2 a CENTURY! OMG! Looking back over the last ten years and seeing that I'd made it through the most difficult adult period in my life. Ready to try new challenges, as I was bored monetarilly and mentally with the work I was doing, I went back to school and began a new career. Fun, new challenges and the start of a good new phase of life. Finally I was free to be me and do what I wanted to do....still selfish, don't you think?
Now, I near 60. More reflection. I find myself not wanting to work so hard. I'm very content to let others row against the current while I hold on and ride along. I find myself becoming unsure once again and actually being content to float along near the shore. My "I can do anything I set my mind to" mindset has lessened. I'm not sure I can do anything successfully anymore. I even tread softy in the snow for fear I may physically fall down and not be able to get up again or have anyone there to help. I don't heal as fast and my body, I know, is gaining downhill momentum. I do more to make things easy for myself. Make more notes about things I want to remember and I fear with the rest of the baby boomers that I may be losing my mind. By the way, I dislike crossword puzzles, which seem to be the favored antidote to losing one's mental acuity.
I want peace, contentment, even more time to sit in reflection, watch the snow fall, pet Lilo, cradle my grandson, visit with friends, treasure relationships. This is what life is about. People. The people in our lives. I know that even they come and go. But I learn from them... about life. Even the negative relationships teach me how to live a better life. I pray for all those who walk in and out of my life. I enjoy grasping moments in God's nature, watching his creatures, basking in the warm sunlight, watching the miracle of a snowfall or gentle cleansing rain. Even feeling the wind on my face and knowing that it blows in fresh air and then is followed by calm and stillness. Here , in a calm, still pool I can hear God's voice if I listen. Am I listening?
Work: It goes on...and on...and on. Since I've made the mental decision to look around for something related that may be easier to physically and mentally handle, I feel freer, less stress. Nothing, yes, nothing, is forever. Except God's love. When all else is gone, God is there. He holds me along the shore so I don't get caught in the wild current and drown. IF only I can remember to cling to Him at all times, whether smooth water or wild.
Speaking my mind: Aging: Growing older has an interesting quality of bringing wisdom from experience and a reflective state of thinking about life. Then sharing just enough but not too much.
I remember being so unsure, so full of anxiety and insecurity when I was a teen. Adults told me I would grow out of it. A lot they knew, I thought.
Then, being in my 20's, being full of life's dreams and expectations, seeing some of those come to fruition, thinking the world was mine.
Getting to my thirties and forties, having some experience and energy to follow through with hard work, I forged ahead to bigger and better dreams, looking askance at those 50 and older who seemed to fall out of the current and drift along the sidelines...happily! It seemed irresponsible to me. They had so much to give! Why didn't they share their wisdom and then let me use it to 'go up the ladder of success'! Still thinking pretty selfishly.
Reaching that age of 40-ish where life seemed to trudge on and I asked, "Is this all there is to life? I'm burned out!" Then seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence, trying it and finding more pain and upset of the principles of my life than I ever thought possible. Righting that as best I could, I trudged on, asking forgiveness and remaking my life.
Reaching fifty. Saying to myself that I've reached the 1/2 century mark. Yes, 1/2 a CENTURY! OMG! Looking back over the last ten years and seeing that I'd made it through the most difficult adult period in my life. Ready to try new challenges, as I was bored monetarilly and mentally with the work I was doing, I went back to school and began a new career. Fun, new challenges and the start of a good new phase of life. Finally I was free to be me and do what I wanted to do....still selfish, don't you think?
Now, I near 60. More reflection. I find myself not wanting to work so hard. I'm very content to let others row against the current while I hold on and ride along. I find myself becoming unsure once again and actually being content to float along near the shore. My "I can do anything I set my mind to" mindset has lessened. I'm not sure I can do anything successfully anymore. I even tread softy in the snow for fear I may physically fall down and not be able to get up again or have anyone there to help. I don't heal as fast and my body, I know, is gaining downhill momentum. I do more to make things easy for myself. Make more notes about things I want to remember and I fear with the rest of the baby boomers that I may be losing my mind. By the way, I dislike crossword puzzles, which seem to be the favored antidote to losing one's mental acuity.
I want peace, contentment, even more time to sit in reflection, watch the snow fall, pet Lilo, cradle my grandson, visit with friends, treasure relationships. This is what life is about. People. The people in our lives. I know that even they come and go. But I learn from them... about life. Even the negative relationships teach me how to live a better life. I pray for all those who walk in and out of my life. I enjoy grasping moments in God's nature, watching his creatures, basking in the warm sunlight, watching the miracle of a snowfall or gentle cleansing rain. Even feeling the wind on my face and knowing that it blows in fresh air and then is followed by calm and stillness. Here , in a calm, still pool I can hear God's voice if I listen. Am I listening?
Work: It goes on...and on...and on. Since I've made the mental decision to look around for something related that may be easier to physically and mentally handle, I feel freer, less stress. Nothing, yes, nothing, is forever. Except God's love. When all else is gone, God is there. He holds me along the shore so I don't get caught in the wild current and drown. IF only I can remember to cling to Him at all times, whether smooth water or wild.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Snow and Praising God
Snow. Cold snow. It has been snowing off and on for the last 2--no make that 3 -- days now. It is really wet and didn't stick to the roads at first, but now there is a white frosting on everything. And it is cold. Stays in the 20's and 30's day and night. Brrrrr. My house feels cold till I go outside and then come back in, then it feels toasty. I think of my friend Barb and her gas fireplace....oh, how I could use it now!
Since I worked all day on a Sunday when I moved my classroom upstairs (I still shudder to think about all the work it took, but thankfully I had some absolutely wonderful help!) I decided to take yesterday off and I made plans to drive to Portland, visit with friends and SHOP (no tax there and I can find what I want!). I was even considering calling in sick on Monday to stay an extra day. Well, I kept listening to the weather reports to be sure the Gorge weather would be passable. Then it started snowing and the report was for more snow here and freezing rain on Sunday. I cancelled my trip and keep telling myself it's all for the good, as I'll save money this way. Humph, sigh. I really miss my friends there. ...And the shopping, oh, the shopping!
Thoughts: I know I'm not a trusting person. This small town mentality of everyone wanting you to trust them (especially my crazy principal and supervisor) makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I do not know these people, yet they expect me to instantly trust them and follow their lead. Can you see why I'm spooked? I refuse to play their games and they are trying to draw me into their little webs. I've always had to look out for myself, take care of myself....to preserve my 'Real Self'. I'm not sure I really fit into this community. OH had a small town 'trust', but it was different as there are so many military families coming and going. Somehow, I think I could have fit in there better and was beginning to before I moved.
There are pluses and minuses here. I never would have been able to have the joy of Grandparenthood had I not moved here. 'My' little Oliver is quite precious (as you can see from the pictures.) I'm glad to be here for CB2 and E, too, if he needs me.
It is taking me a long time to get 'up and running' here, where in OH it seemed to happen quite quickly. The process is wearing me down. Work is wearing me down. I'm to the point where I dread going to work.....and I used to LOVE my work...not just my job.....it was my soul work.....'was'? I want to retire and play with my grandkids, not work with other people's children. I know that if I didn't work, I obviously wouldn't even have a roof over my head, would miss out on meeting some wonderful families, but wouldn't have to put up with the s*** of public politics or families whose children are not their priority.
I'm really considering another way to use this teacher-talent God has given me. If any of you have any good ideas, let me know. I do not want the responsibility of having my own preschool, I'm not the director type, nor do I have the business head to do it. I can't even keep my one checking account afloat!
I made a huge faux paux at work this week....well, it started a couple months ago when I was supposed to have some paperwork done and kept putting it off. Oh, I could give a lot of really plausible excuses, but basically, I put off the paperwork because it is so hard to do, and when I did actually attempt it (when I had time was after school or on weekends) I'd run into some technical problem and there was no one around who could answer. We have a rigid deadline to turn in our paperwork at the district office and it was fast approaching. I asked the secretary what needed to be turned in, she told me and I faxed in that portion of the paperwork, thinking "Whew, I made it!"
Then, yesterday, on my day off, I stopped by the school at noon to give the principal a note and she said it was a good thing I was there, as my team was doing all my paperwork so the deadline would be met. I was shocked and so embarrassed. I went to talk to them right away. I had all the information laid out, just had not put it into the forms because of those technical problems I kept having. (I'm technically challenged as my children with attest.) But oh, was I shook up! Of course, the principal reiterated to me that if I was having problems I should have come to her so she could get me the help. {Actually I did ask for help with the computer technology, but the techie hasn't made an appointment yet; when I remind her she says she's having some problems, but will get back to me SOON.} More of that 'trust' issue again. I know if I ask the principal for help, she'll mark me down because of it. I had asked some team members for help. I trust a couple of them, anyway. Basically, it was my own procrastination that got me in deep doo-doo. Of course I was so embarrassed and upset I ended up shedding a few tears and then my stomach was so upset I couldn't even eat......and for those of you who know me, you'll realize that I usually EAT when I'm under moderate amounts of stress. But this stress skyrocketed me off the charts of eating to assuage the emotions.
Okay, why is it so hard here? Is it because I have this negative reaction to Walla Walla? Maybe God brought me here to heal these vague, uncomfortable feelings I have about WW. I do know that moving to WW when I was in college, away from what was familiar and into a new 'culture' both geographically and socially, was hard on me. Going through those 'boyfriend' times for the first time in my life was hard (I'm a late bloomer, too.) I had never learned appropriate boundaries with my own feelings and how to sort out what's logical and just phases of growing up.
Enough, already. This is probably more than you ever wanted to know. But it's out there. I won't retract it as perhaps even the writing of it is healing. Okay, okay. I can hear you saying: "Here is an old lady who still is trying to figure life out? Grief!
Well, life is a journey. I do feel healed from a lot of pain in my life, and much of that pain has been replaced with joy and understanding. But there are those dark corners in our lives we all run from, I suspect. I guess I've always been the type of person to tries to analyze situations...perhaps not in the moment, but in retrospect, so I can respond more 'real time'. And when I was a child I can remember imagining every scenario I could with the response I would give, to prepare me for whatever might come my way. Survivalism at it's best/worst, wouldn't you say? Then I went through a phase of doing everything pretty spontaneously ...well, as much as a 'survivalist' can. Now I'm somewhere in the middle, I think, but there are still things that throw me off balance.
Between writing lines of this blog entry, I've had a phone call from a friend, called my daughter to say, " let's take a walk in the snow rather than go to church," and made breakfast, complete with cinnamon toast and homemade latte (not as good as the local drive through, though.) I've listened to the SS lesson from the ABN channel (it is nice to have that on Sabbath). I've petted Lilo....who cried and cried to be let outdoors and then, after sitting on the cold step (oh no, those little paws did not want to touch the snow!) came back in. So I shut the door and she sat at it and cried more. Silly cat. I finally ignored her and she got up into her cat tree to watch outside.
I sit here looking at the little sign in my window with a little red train engine and the words "I think I can" and say to myself, 'Duh, that's what I need to do..chug, chug, chug "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
Do have a happy Sabbath. Stay warm and dry. Praise God for the blessings we have.
Since I worked all day on a Sunday when I moved my classroom upstairs (I still shudder to think about all the work it took, but thankfully I had some absolutely wonderful help!) I decided to take yesterday off and I made plans to drive to Portland, visit with friends and SHOP (no tax there and I can find what I want!). I was even considering calling in sick on Monday to stay an extra day. Well, I kept listening to the weather reports to be sure the Gorge weather would be passable. Then it started snowing and the report was for more snow here and freezing rain on Sunday. I cancelled my trip and keep telling myself it's all for the good, as I'll save money this way. Humph, sigh. I really miss my friends there. ...And the shopping, oh, the shopping!
Thoughts: I know I'm not a trusting person. This small town mentality of everyone wanting you to trust them (especially my crazy principal and supervisor) makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I do not know these people, yet they expect me to instantly trust them and follow their lead. Can you see why I'm spooked? I refuse to play their games and they are trying to draw me into their little webs. I've always had to look out for myself, take care of myself....to preserve my 'Real Self'. I'm not sure I really fit into this community. OH had a small town 'trust', but it was different as there are so many military families coming and going. Somehow, I think I could have fit in there better and was beginning to before I moved.
There are pluses and minuses here. I never would have been able to have the joy of Grandparenthood had I not moved here. 'My' little Oliver is quite precious (as you can see from the pictures.) I'm glad to be here for CB2 and E, too, if he needs me.
It is taking me a long time to get 'up and running' here, where in OH it seemed to happen quite quickly. The process is wearing me down. Work is wearing me down. I'm to the point where I dread going to work.....and I used to LOVE my work...not just my job.....it was my soul work.....'was'? I want to retire and play with my grandkids, not work with other people's children. I know that if I didn't work, I obviously wouldn't even have a roof over my head, would miss out on meeting some wonderful families, but wouldn't have to put up with the s*** of public politics or families whose children are not their priority.
I'm really considering another way to use this teacher-talent God has given me. If any of you have any good ideas, let me know. I do not want the responsibility of having my own preschool, I'm not the director type, nor do I have the business head to do it. I can't even keep my one checking account afloat!
I made a huge faux paux at work this week....well, it started a couple months ago when I was supposed to have some paperwork done and kept putting it off. Oh, I could give a lot of really plausible excuses, but basically, I put off the paperwork because it is so hard to do, and when I did actually attempt it (when I had time was after school or on weekends) I'd run into some technical problem and there was no one around who could answer. We have a rigid deadline to turn in our paperwork at the district office and it was fast approaching. I asked the secretary what needed to be turned in, she told me and I faxed in that portion of the paperwork, thinking "Whew, I made it!"
Then, yesterday, on my day off, I stopped by the school at noon to give the principal a note and she said it was a good thing I was there, as my team was doing all my paperwork so the deadline would be met. I was shocked and so embarrassed. I went to talk to them right away. I had all the information laid out, just had not put it into the forms because of those technical problems I kept having. (I'm technically challenged as my children with attest.) But oh, was I shook up! Of course, the principal reiterated to me that if I was having problems I should have come to her so she could get me the help. {Actually I did ask for help with the computer technology, but the techie hasn't made an appointment yet; when I remind her she says she's having some problems, but will get back to me SOON.} More of that 'trust' issue again. I know if I ask the principal for help, she'll mark me down because of it. I had asked some team members for help. I trust a couple of them, anyway. Basically, it was my own procrastination that got me in deep doo-doo. Of course I was so embarrassed and upset I ended up shedding a few tears and then my stomach was so upset I couldn't even eat......and for those of you who know me, you'll realize that I usually EAT when I'm under moderate amounts of stress. But this stress skyrocketed me off the charts of eating to assuage the emotions.
Okay, why is it so hard here? Is it because I have this negative reaction to Walla Walla? Maybe God brought me here to heal these vague, uncomfortable feelings I have about WW. I do know that moving to WW when I was in college, away from what was familiar and into a new 'culture' both geographically and socially, was hard on me. Going through those 'boyfriend' times for the first time in my life was hard (I'm a late bloomer, too.) I had never learned appropriate boundaries with my own feelings and how to sort out what's logical and just phases of growing up.
Enough, already. This is probably more than you ever wanted to know. But it's out there. I won't retract it as perhaps even the writing of it is healing. Okay, okay. I can hear you saying: "Here is an old lady who still is trying to figure life out? Grief!
Well, life is a journey. I do feel healed from a lot of pain in my life, and much of that pain has been replaced with joy and understanding. But there are those dark corners in our lives we all run from, I suspect. I guess I've always been the type of person to tries to analyze situations...perhaps not in the moment, but in retrospect, so I can respond more 'real time'. And when I was a child I can remember imagining every scenario I could with the response I would give, to prepare me for whatever might come my way. Survivalism at it's best/worst, wouldn't you say? Then I went through a phase of doing everything pretty spontaneously ...well, as much as a 'survivalist' can. Now I'm somewhere in the middle, I think, but there are still things that throw me off balance.
Between writing lines of this blog entry, I've had a phone call from a friend, called my daughter to say, " let's take a walk in the snow rather than go to church," and made breakfast, complete with cinnamon toast and homemade latte (not as good as the local drive through, though.) I've listened to the SS lesson from the ABN channel (it is nice to have that on Sabbath). I've petted Lilo....who cried and cried to be let outdoors and then, after sitting on the cold step (oh no, those little paws did not want to touch the snow!) came back in. So I shut the door and she sat at it and cried more. Silly cat. I finally ignored her and she got up into her cat tree to watch outside.
I sit here looking at the little sign in my window with a little red train engine and the words "I think I can" and say to myself, 'Duh, that's what I need to do..chug, chug, chug "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
Do have a happy Sabbath. Stay warm and dry. Praise God for the blessings we have.
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