Was reviewing my post from one year ago. Wow. It seems like forever ago. Goodbyes were much simpler this year as friendships begun were cut short. Moving was easier. This week has been a week of frustrations. Whatever I tried to do, it just didn't work out. I came to River City to be with Barb and get some things accomplished...car fixed, going through storage left here, etc. Nothing seems to have worked out. So I GIVE UP! Do you hear me? I GIVE UP! I'm going home to OH. I had planned on picking up a patio bench I had in storage, pick up some other stuff I had stored in another place and then take all that to WW. Didn't work out. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH.
I'll just go home (seems odd to call OH home, but home it has become), get out my boxes and pack. Just pack. And give away to the thrift stores. I don't know if I really have anything left for a garage sale. I'm debating about even taking my Salvation Army-bought furniture. Maybe it's time to get rid of it. What I will sit on when I get to WW remains to be seen. Moving. I loathe it. Today, I loathe myself and my life.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Here-a-House, There-a-House Guilt
Okay, so I'm crazy. I admit it. I wanted a really cute little house in WW really, really badly. I finally gave it up when I couldn't get financing for it. Then the owners called me and told me they would rent it to me. We talked about rent-to-own. They decided to offer me a 3-year lease, just renting it. I was so excited I offered a maximum I thought I could handle. Then realized it was more than I wanted to pay. I was very squeamish about leasing a place for 3 years. A lot can happen in three years. The owners are close to 80 years old. What if they died or became incapacitated? What if I didn't like the neighborhood, couldn't stand my job or needed to move to CO to take care of my dad or something? When it came down to it, I just couldn't sign the lease. When they called, I told them my reservations. The guy thought I was backing out and acted like I'd insulted our verbal agreement. He made me feel guilty that I wasn't going through with the deal. I talked to him about the rent to own for three years, rather than just a straight rental-lease agreement. He and his wife talked it over and called me back, saying that they'd thought I was okay with all of it and if I didn't want their terms, they would put the house on the market again. So I said, Okay. I'm giving it up. And I hung up. Why do I feel guilty? Why am I so discouraged? A little dream gone. But some relief.
I do have a little house with a carport that my D's MIL will rent to me and it will be fine. Small but fine. And she will be moving there in a few years, so I'll have to find a more permanent residence soon........Moving again. I think that's part of it. I've decided I hate moving. I'm strapped financially just to get the essentials moved and get into a place and get settled. Yuck.
God is still teaching me. Oh yeah. At my age. Why couldn't I have taken hold of this lesson of stewardship a lot sooner? It runs my life, you know. Stewardship. Of little things, of my appetite for food, houses, cars, clothing, Things. And I have SO Much compared to, oh, you know. The world in general. Guilt. Built-in guilt.
As I look back, I realize, all too painfully, that since my divorce, I've accepted my dad's emotional blackmail and taken his monetary gifts when I needed them to help me or my kids. I need to get over this. Part of the accountability-stewardship plan. Starting now. Letting go of the cute little house. Am I settling for second best...again in my life? Do I have the fortitude to really pick up the stewardship banner and hold it high, even when my arms get tired? Heaven help me! Literally, please, Heaven help me!
I do have a little house with a carport that my D's MIL will rent to me and it will be fine. Small but fine. And she will be moving there in a few years, so I'll have to find a more permanent residence soon........Moving again. I think that's part of it. I've decided I hate moving. I'm strapped financially just to get the essentials moved and get into a place and get settled. Yuck.
God is still teaching me. Oh yeah. At my age. Why couldn't I have taken hold of this lesson of stewardship a lot sooner? It runs my life, you know. Stewardship. Of little things, of my appetite for food, houses, cars, clothing, Things. And I have SO Much compared to, oh, you know. The world in general. Guilt. Built-in guilt.
As I look back, I realize, all too painfully, that since my divorce, I've accepted my dad's emotional blackmail and taken his monetary gifts when I needed them to help me or my kids. I need to get over this. Part of the accountability-stewardship plan. Starting now. Letting go of the cute little house. Am I settling for second best...again in my life? Do I have the fortitude to really pick up the stewardship banner and hold it high, even when my arms get tired? Heaven help me! Literally, please, Heaven help me!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Taking a Deep Breath
Friday! TGIF! You know how it is on vacation? The first two days your body and mind are still in high 'working' gear and you seem to get a lot done and then the third day hits. Well, that's what's happening to me. As much as I've tried, I can't seem to do anything but spin my wheels. I got laundry and the dishes done. I need to vacuum and finish straightening out the guest room where piles (organized piles, mind you) of my preschool materials lie. Maybe that's why I don't want to go in there. I just don't want to think about preschool for awhile.
Barb is coming for a long weekend and then we will drive to River City. My plan is to pick up my stored Stuff and move it to WW, help interview IA candidates for my classroom (Nice of them to ask for my input!) , and then finalize the house stuff. I'll return to OH and begin packing in all seriousness. I need to be packed and driving out of OH at the earliest on Juy 20. At the latest, July 31.
Possibly, just thinking about all this is making me tired..That and the stupid pharmacy got my prescriptions all messed up and I didn't have some of my meds this week when I needed them. Argh. I wouldn't have had any problems, except that i forgot my cosmetic case at Barb's this last weekend, so I had to call docs and get special permission to have an extra refill. Of course the pharmacy, running on automatic, was totally confused. It was a mess. After 4 trips down there and three calls to the doctor, I finally go my meds late Wednesday. Not having my meds on regular basis really messed with my system.
So I've labeled today as "Tired Friday." I pick up Barb from the train station at 8 this evening, so I really have to get busy, to have everything done in time to drive to the train station.
Thank goodness the weather is beautiful. AAHH. Summer in OH. Smell the fresh sea air, enjoy the golden, warm sunshine.
(Soon enough I'll be begging for a place to hide from its searing heat in WW!).
For today, Take a Deep Breath...Hmm, and maybe just a short nap.
Barb is coming for a long weekend and then we will drive to River City. My plan is to pick up my stored Stuff and move it to WW, help interview IA candidates for my classroom (Nice of them to ask for my input!) , and then finalize the house stuff. I'll return to OH and begin packing in all seriousness. I need to be packed and driving out of OH at the earliest on Juy 20. At the latest, July 31.
Possibly, just thinking about all this is making me tired..That and the stupid pharmacy got my prescriptions all messed up and I didn't have some of my meds this week when I needed them. Argh. I wouldn't have had any problems, except that i forgot my cosmetic case at Barb's this last weekend, so I had to call docs and get special permission to have an extra refill. Of course the pharmacy, running on automatic, was totally confused. It was a mess. After 4 trips down there and three calls to the doctor, I finally go my meds late Wednesday. Not having my meds on regular basis really messed with my system.
So I've labeled today as "Tired Friday." I pick up Barb from the train station at 8 this evening, so I really have to get busy, to have everything done in time to drive to the train station.
Thank goodness the weather is beautiful. AAHH. Summer in OH. Smell the fresh sea air, enjoy the golden, warm sunshine.
(Soon enough I'll be begging for a place to hide from its searing heat in WW!).
For today, Take a Deep Breath...Hmm, and maybe just a short nap.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Miracles Weekly
I haven't kept you up on all the miracles that have happened surrounding my move. You know I wanted to buy a cute, 'perfect,' little house near my kids. But prudently I let it go. The owner called back 2 weeks later and asked if I wanted a long term lease with option to buy. Would I?!?! I'm thrilled. I can picture myself living in that place, doing a little gardening, sitting out on the patio surrounded by pots of flowers in the evening. It is probably about 3/4 mile from my D and SIL and soon-coming grandbaby. In a year or so, perhaps one very special little boy will come to visit and play in that back yard (Ooo. I might have to find some play equipment at the thrift store...a little sand box and slide/swing perhaps. Fun!) Maybe we'll have a backyard picnic or two. Now all I have to do is round up the money for the rents and deposit. Gulp.
In saying good bye and talking to my students' parents, my colleagues and friends, I have had 3 offers to drive my moving truck to WW and one offer to help move boxes.....always the harder thing to do!
The director at my new job has been so helpful and kind. I was paid for the day I went to the preplan meeting. They are paying for me to attend a day's teachers' conference in July! When I spoke of the concerns I had about my job, after my observation, they made plans to 'fix' the problems. Now i don't know how it will all play out, but it is initially looking very, very good! Like the school district actually supports its staff! A liaison person who works for the school district to help new staff, gave me info for helpers to unload the moving truck and people to contact for making sure my house contract is okay.
All the pieces seem to be coming together nicely. I really do think God is leading me to this place. There have been so many positive outcomes to problems that I had no control over. And to be close to family will be such a delight!
I PROMISE my family right now that I will make every effort to not make a nuisance of myself. And if I become that nuisance, they will (politely, I hope) tell me they need their space.
I have made arrangements to have my cable here in OH disconnected July 8, so around that date, you may not hear from me until August. If I get too bummed out with no access, I'll go to the library or the B's. Otherwise, I'll be focused on packing and selling/giving away more excess STuff.
I still need prayers going up, as the funding for all of this is still lacking. I know, I'm nuts, but it just HAs to work out! It has so far. I'm putting trust and faith to work that the funds will be present, too!
In saying good bye and talking to my students' parents, my colleagues and friends, I have had 3 offers to drive my moving truck to WW and one offer to help move boxes.....always the harder thing to do!
The director at my new job has been so helpful and kind. I was paid for the day I went to the preplan meeting. They are paying for me to attend a day's teachers' conference in July! When I spoke of the concerns I had about my job, after my observation, they made plans to 'fix' the problems. Now i don't know how it will all play out, but it is initially looking very, very good! Like the school district actually supports its staff! A liaison person who works for the school district to help new staff, gave me info for helpers to unload the moving truck and people to contact for making sure my house contract is okay.
All the pieces seem to be coming together nicely. I really do think God is leading me to this place. There have been so many positive outcomes to problems that I had no control over. And to be close to family will be such a delight!
I PROMISE my family right now that I will make every effort to not make a nuisance of myself. And if I become that nuisance, they will (politely, I hope) tell me they need their space.
I have made arrangements to have my cable here in OH disconnected July 8, so around that date, you may not hear from me until August. If I get too bummed out with no access, I'll go to the library or the B's. Otherwise, I'll be focused on packing and selling/giving away more excess STuff.
I still need prayers going up, as the funding for all of this is still lacking. I know, I'm nuts, but it just HAs to work out! It has so far. I'm putting trust and faith to work that the funds will be present, too!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Waves of Emotion and Goodbyes
This past weekend I took a fast trip to River city to be with Barb while she had an angiogram. It was normal. Whew! It was an unsettling pause in the business of finishing my work year here. I would be gone Friday, the last major day of school. Monday, today, was a make up 'snow' day from our having stayed home because of bad winter weather. The classroom was packed and I only had a few odds and ends to finish. It was odd being there, working on my computer in the middle of the quiet, packed room, with my teaching materials stacked in a corner waiting to be loaded into my car.
My assistants and lots of staff had taken today as a sick day or annual leave day. The other preschool teachers were there, though, and I got to say goodbye to them and take a picture.
It seemed weird as each person left and told me goodbye. I went to the office and told the secretaries and a couple of other teachers, goodbye. A mixture of feelings came over me: lightness for having finished the job well, sadness at saying goodbye to a place I'd come to accept and love, excitement in saying goodbye while looking forward to a new adventure and anxiety in thinking about all that it takes to move. I packed the last box in my car from the school, went to the office to turn in my keys, returned to the classroom to stand for a moment and mentally reminisce. The slide/video show in my head was not the one actually captured on film. I remembered students with their endearing quirks, running happily in the playground, feeling the warm air or the wind, asking for a push on the swing or a hand for helping walk the curb. I saw the smiles of the other teachers as we grew into friends, our parent night success, my asssistants being everywhere at once. I remember rides down the mountain in J's truck while sharing personal and professional insights on our way to the monthly meetings. I thought about all the paperwork and how it is finally Done!.
Then I walked to my car in the parking lot for the last time. It was time to go. I took a last look at the classroom doors, the rose trellis. I drove out onto the street. Goodby OH school! Goodbye big playground! Goodbye students! Goodbye friends! I hope I may see you again and perhaps take wonderful vacations here....I wonder if I would ever end up living here again?
I'm on to the next adventure. WW and grandchildren.......yes! My S and DIL have also made the announcement! Wow! Is it ever going to be a busy year with a new house, new job, new family members! Joy!
Waves of Joy, sadness, satisfaction, anxiety, hope and more Joy! Goodbye OH school!
My assistants and lots of staff had taken today as a sick day or annual leave day. The other preschool teachers were there, though, and I got to say goodbye to them and take a picture.
It seemed weird as each person left and told me goodbye. I went to the office and told the secretaries and a couple of other teachers, goodbye. A mixture of feelings came over me: lightness for having finished the job well, sadness at saying goodbye to a place I'd come to accept and love, excitement in saying goodbye while looking forward to a new adventure and anxiety in thinking about all that it takes to move. I packed the last box in my car from the school, went to the office to turn in my keys, returned to the classroom to stand for a moment and mentally reminisce. The slide/video show in my head was not the one actually captured on film. I remembered students with their endearing quirks, running happily in the playground, feeling the warm air or the wind, asking for a push on the swing or a hand for helping walk the curb. I saw the smiles of the other teachers as we grew into friends, our parent night success, my asssistants being everywhere at once. I remember rides down the mountain in J's truck while sharing personal and professional insights on our way to the monthly meetings. I thought about all the paperwork and how it is finally Done!.
Then I walked to my car in the parking lot for the last time. It was time to go. I took a last look at the classroom doors, the rose trellis. I drove out onto the street. Goodby OH school! Goodbye big playground! Goodbye students! Goodbye friends! I hope I may see you again and perhaps take wonderful vacations here....I wonder if I would ever end up living here again?
I'm on to the next adventure. WW and grandchildren.......yes! My S and DIL have also made the announcement! Wow! Is it ever going to be a busy year with a new house, new job, new family members! Joy!
Waves of Joy, sadness, satisfaction, anxiety, hope and more Joy! Goodbye OH school!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Redneck
Literally.
Today was the last day of school with students and we spent it at the city beach park. It was a perfect day. The weather was sunny and 67-75 degrees. A slight sea breeze blew across our backs. Just enough to tease away any feelings of being too warm.
The children mostly accepted our boundaries of staying in the park and not on the beach. Later we all walked down there where they overturned rocks to find baby crabs galore, picked up sea shells and threw rocks into the water gently lapping the shore. Several parents came to enjoy the day with us and that helped us lots! Our morning class arrvied at 9 and left at 11:30. During our lunch break, I stayed at the beach to watch over all our picnic paraphernalia while others went back to the classroom to catch the latest emails. Not me! I sat in my lawn chair under the tree and ate my sandwich and drank my Pepsi. What a glorious feeling, watching the boats far out in the bay, the kayaks going by, the few children from the community for whom I had absolutely NO responsibiility! I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Bliss.
Soon the afternoon class arrived and we were 'on duty' again. Again, we had plenty of parents to help us. The one child that we worried about going in the water came with his grandma and she allowed him to have water play far from the rest of the group, so they didn't even know he was doing it. Our medically fragile child started clinging to us and went to sleep...precursors to his going into seizures. His mom had to come get him, but other than that, there were no catastrophes short of one or two bunged knees. Of course we were prepared with first aid kit/ cell phone, ER #'s for all the families, etc. Children left at 3:30 either with parents or on the bus. As I watched the last one leave, I was both elated and saddened. I won't get to watch them grow another year. I am exhausted and ready for this year to be done! Even the most challenging child seemed to wave goodby and smile. I think the day was a good break for everyone!
Arriving home, my eyes began to itch, my neck sting. I began to look at myself. I'd worn T-shirt and jeans to the park, so had acquired a weird farmer's tan on my arms. The back of my neck was red.....no wonder it was stinging! My eyeballs hurt and I wondered if they were sunburned, even though I'd worn sunglasses. My face even looked bronzed. Wow! I finally decided to shower, as allergy pollens, as well as the sun, had taken their toll. It was a good thing I'd put sunscreen on my ears and nose. I lathered myself in lotions. Sweet, clean smells. Took an allergy pill. Quiet repose. AAAHHHH.
Redneck! :o}
Today was the last day of school with students and we spent it at the city beach park. It was a perfect day. The weather was sunny and 67-75 degrees. A slight sea breeze blew across our backs. Just enough to tease away any feelings of being too warm.
The children mostly accepted our boundaries of staying in the park and not on the beach. Later we all walked down there where they overturned rocks to find baby crabs galore, picked up sea shells and threw rocks into the water gently lapping the shore. Several parents came to enjoy the day with us and that helped us lots! Our morning class arrvied at 9 and left at 11:30. During our lunch break, I stayed at the beach to watch over all our picnic paraphernalia while others went back to the classroom to catch the latest emails. Not me! I sat in my lawn chair under the tree and ate my sandwich and drank my Pepsi. What a glorious feeling, watching the boats far out in the bay, the kayaks going by, the few children from the community for whom I had absolutely NO responsibiility! I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Bliss.
Soon the afternoon class arrived and we were 'on duty' again. Again, we had plenty of parents to help us. The one child that we worried about going in the water came with his grandma and she allowed him to have water play far from the rest of the group, so they didn't even know he was doing it. Our medically fragile child started clinging to us and went to sleep...precursors to his going into seizures. His mom had to come get him, but other than that, there were no catastrophes short of one or two bunged knees. Of course we were prepared with first aid kit/ cell phone, ER #'s for all the families, etc. Children left at 3:30 either with parents or on the bus. As I watched the last one leave, I was both elated and saddened. I won't get to watch them grow another year. I am exhausted and ready for this year to be done! Even the most challenging child seemed to wave goodby and smile. I think the day was a good break for everyone!
Arriving home, my eyes began to itch, my neck sting. I began to look at myself. I'd worn T-shirt and jeans to the park, so had acquired a weird farmer's tan on my arms. The back of my neck was red.....no wonder it was stinging! My eyeballs hurt and I wondered if they were sunburned, even though I'd worn sunglasses. My face even looked bronzed. Wow! I finally decided to shower, as allergy pollens, as well as the sun, had taken their toll. It was a good thing I'd put sunscreen on my ears and nose. I lathered myself in lotions. Sweet, clean smells. Took an allergy pill. Quiet repose. AAAHHHH.
Redneck! :o}
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
The Beginning of the End
I can hardly believe that this year is almost over. Last weekend I spent in WW, going to a preplanning meeting wth the new job group. I am very happy with their listening to and addressing my concerns, for the monetary support they provided for my trip for that meeting. It seems like they are quite supportive of their teachers and that is a big change from this place! The people I met are friendly and personable and I feel like I will 'fit in' okay. It all remains to be experienced, of course!
Next week is the last week of school for teaching kids, then there is one more week to clean the classroom and finish the paperwork. This next week I have meetings on Monday, teach regular classes Tuesday and Wednesday. We have a little graduation exercise in the classroom on Thursday and Friday is beach day, where we spend our class day at the beach with the kids to picnic and say goodbye. Then one week left in the classroom for the final meetings with parents, finishing paperwork and cleaning. I've already had two or three bouts of crying over various things. My stress has come out in really bad eating habits and lack of exercise. Today I aim for walking (although a walk 1x/week just doesn't cut it for real exercise!)
Suddenly I'm counting the weeks and realize I have very little time to pack for my move to WW. I was originally thinking August seemed so far away, with lots of time for lazy summer days. Duh. Suddenly my time is planned out.
My girlfriend Barb is coming the last weekend of June and we will tour a bit of the local beauty. Then I will drive her back to River City and see friends there, pick up a load of my 'stuff' I left there and take it to WW, then head back to OH where another friend is coming for July 4. I hear there's a fairly decent July 4 fireworks show over the Harbor here, so I look forward to it. Especially if the weather is as nice as it has been this last week! (Natives tell me this was a fluke, however.)
I reserved a rental truck for July 31, so I need to be packed by July 30! I'm going to have a garage sale of some of my stuff..or give it away if I have to! I hope to have the truck packed and driven to WW by August 2. Then I'll just drop stuff, as I have to be in River City that weekend for a dr's appt. I found out my insurance here includes my doc there, so hey, I need to take advantage of it!
Poor Lilo will be wild by that time and really out of it, poor thing. Especially if I leave her alone in the new place! But, she's gotten bolder here and I think she'll be okay...eventually.
I've pretty much given up on the house buying thing. It will be more 'prudent' to rent and pay down my bills, then look into buying. (Okay, so I've been telling myself that for 10 years. I could still change?!) After all, WW may not work out......fat chance, but we'll see. I do have a place to rent when I go. It's small, but nice, well cared for, and I know the landlord...a friend who has promised me a really good deal. So I'm set. All I have to do is come up with the money to move. Pray for 'pennies from heaven' (and nickels and dimes and quarters and dollars and fortunes)!
Next week is the last week of school for teaching kids, then there is one more week to clean the classroom and finish the paperwork. This next week I have meetings on Monday, teach regular classes Tuesday and Wednesday. We have a little graduation exercise in the classroom on Thursday and Friday is beach day, where we spend our class day at the beach with the kids to picnic and say goodbye. Then one week left in the classroom for the final meetings with parents, finishing paperwork and cleaning. I've already had two or three bouts of crying over various things. My stress has come out in really bad eating habits and lack of exercise. Today I aim for walking (although a walk 1x/week just doesn't cut it for real exercise!)
Suddenly I'm counting the weeks and realize I have very little time to pack for my move to WW. I was originally thinking August seemed so far away, with lots of time for lazy summer days. Duh. Suddenly my time is planned out.
My girlfriend Barb is coming the last weekend of June and we will tour a bit of the local beauty. Then I will drive her back to River City and see friends there, pick up a load of my 'stuff' I left there and take it to WW, then head back to OH where another friend is coming for July 4. I hear there's a fairly decent July 4 fireworks show over the Harbor here, so I look forward to it. Especially if the weather is as nice as it has been this last week! (Natives tell me this was a fluke, however.)
I reserved a rental truck for July 31, so I need to be packed by July 30! I'm going to have a garage sale of some of my stuff..or give it away if I have to! I hope to have the truck packed and driven to WW by August 2. Then I'll just drop stuff, as I have to be in River City that weekend for a dr's appt. I found out my insurance here includes my doc there, so hey, I need to take advantage of it!
Poor Lilo will be wild by that time and really out of it, poor thing. Especially if I leave her alone in the new place! But, she's gotten bolder here and I think she'll be okay...eventually.
I've pretty much given up on the house buying thing. It will be more 'prudent' to rent and pay down my bills, then look into buying. (Okay, so I've been telling myself that for 10 years. I could still change?!) After all, WW may not work out......fat chance, but we'll see. I do have a place to rent when I go. It's small, but nice, well cared for, and I know the landlord...a friend who has promised me a really good deal. So I'm set. All I have to do is come up with the money to move. Pray for 'pennies from heaven' (and nickels and dimes and quarters and dollars and fortunes)!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)