NOW!

Well, I've made the long trip again safely. Here I am in WW thinking and worrying and fretting and, and, and. Moving. Buying a house. Not buying a house. Renting. Not renting. Moving expenses. Yikes!

Even fretting over C/E's house decisions over which I have absolutely no investment except that they are my special children! I want the best for them. Why can't we always have the best the world can offer?

Maybe the world doesn't offer the best. We really are 'just a travelin' through..'

Why does every joy have to be laced with sorrows? Is that the only way we learn? Why did God allow it that way?

Okay, so today I'm totally a "material girl". I want it and I want it ALL. NOW! In PERFECTION please!

First Things First

I got up early today as I intended to accomplish a lot. I cleaned my bathroom, sorted laundry for the laundromat, showered even (early on a Saturday!) and decided I'd go to church, but first I would do my laundry....early! By 8:15 a.m. I was ready to go to the laundromat. Once there, I began to unload my baskets, when I looked around, realized I just did not have any energy, physically or emotionally, so I drove home. Laundry is still in the car and it is now 4 p.m. I laid on the bed and took an hour's nap. Got up, ate breakfast and turned on sacred music and a sermon. Went to sleep on the sofa. Got up to check email, wandered around the house and decided I'd have lunch. I ate only a little and was soon napping again. Lilo, of course, simply did her routine of napping and wanting to be outside, so I left the door open. I have a cheap hanging screen that she can go in/out, and it keeps the bugs out, mostly. Neighbors have left for the weekend, too, I think, so its pretty quiet. NICE!

I decided to see what the weather was around the area and decided to eat again. Turned on the TV and there was a Vegietale's story! Cute! Then I looked out my door and a hummingbird inspected each of my flower pots to see if s/he was interested! Hummingbirds! They are so enchanting!

So, first things first. I'm going to actually leave my apt and get a plant or feeder for the hummingbirds!

That, at least, has sparked a bit of energy into my soul.

Rambling

Can hardly move!
Getting better!

It's interesting how a small injury can grind one's life into a totally different gear. I haven't been able to type or drive my stick shift car or do a few personal things very well. But that's all, yet it turned my thinking around quite a bit! When I consider those whose lives are turned upside down when their sons/husbands/wives/daughters are killed or permanently disabled by war or other tragedies, I feel foolish for even feeling the slight pain of a simple wrist strain. But even these little injuries allow me to find more compassion and patience with those whose lives are absorbed by their own pain.

I've had great news this week! A grandson! A boy who can turn one's heart into jelly with one angelic smile. A boy who will get into what he shouldn't, then give another angelic smile. A boy! Now to go shopping!

Got my hair colored today, covered the gray. It looks better, but not as good as when Robert did it. >Sigh< He really was the best! I'm sure my regularly 'contributed funds' helped him buy his ocean "cottage" for retirement!

I miss my son and daughter-in-law. I hope they are able to come at holiday time next year. This year is going by so fast! Whew! It is nearly 1/2 over already, and I'm just getting used to writing 2007!

I'm sort of in...hum...not really the eye of the storm, but definitely a relatively calm period before the angst of moving and making decisions jumps into high gear. I'm heading to WW again this weekend to attend a pre-plan meeting for next year, but have not been approved to leave for the day I plan to be gone. I'm going anyway. I hope I'm not 'burning bridges.'

My assistants are so close to burning out, I hope they can hang on a little longer. Hurting my wrist didn't help them much, as I can't handle the kids who need some physical handling or haul heavy trikes,etc, but otherwise, I think everything is okay. But we're all near burn out. Even the kids, I think. The parents? Oh, they are very worried about what to do with these kids 24/7 during the summer months. Ha! Have they learned nothing?

I don't know if I told you we had a great 'parent night' where we three pre-K teachers gave interested parents information about three topics the parents chose. I was impressed by the number of parents who came. We felt positive about the outcome and feedback.

One Handed Blogging

I have so much to write about and only one hand with which to type! Against my better judgment, I gave in to peer pressure and took my kids bowling with the other 2 preK classes. You guessed it. I was stupid. Tried to catch a kid who ran down a lane. Of course it was foolish, but it was instinctual to 'protect' the kid! It was me that fell like a fat elephant in the lane. The kid saw me, turned around and ran off the lane...never falling! Devil child, he is. I carefully crawled off.

My wrist strarted throbbing as I held kids' hands on our walk back to school. After school, I decided to drive to the walk-in clinic rather than go to the ER. Shorter wait time. Both places out of town. They took x-rays. Prelim report shows no broken bones, but my right wrist and hand are immobilized, swollen, bruised and painful. Oh, driving a stick shift was nearly impossible. Guess I'll be walking to work next week. I don't know how I'll get any work done on the 'puter. It's taken me an hour to type this! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

News about WW: I received my contract to sign on Thursday. I was in WW Monday and visited classes all day. Two glaring problems: 1. classrrom is in basement w/no windows and only "cold air return' air flow. 2. There is an elevator to take kids up/down, but can't be used in an emergency. They have 2 large children in wheelchairs. No way am I willing to risk that....it's against the law! So I'm formulating a letter to them before I sign the contract and rethinking this whole moving thing. If anyone has some words of wisdom or preferences, please let me know. I'm in a dither.

Ever Onward

I returned to work refreshed believe it or not. I've decided that having a day off in the middle of the week is quite nice and something to work toward....working only four days a week. Although I got a few looks of "How fragile is she today?", things have pretty much settled down. And, I guess I'm not the only one breaking down. Friday, my mentor teacher came to me after school saying she'd been crying off and on all day. She's pregnant, so that heightens her emotions, her hubby is gone on assignment (in the states) and she, too, is having a heck of a time with one of her assistants. So, it's going around.

Pretty brain dead today. Rest is on order.

Oh, to all my friends and family for whom I forgot to send greetings: Happy Mother's Day!

Break Down

I had such a nice weekend and the Parent Night went great. Then today arrived.

Okay, so I woke up early, didn't want to go to Curves (I'd been faithful for 2 weeks :o), so read part of a novel. Suddenly I realized I better look at the clock -- 7:30!!! and I hadn't showered yet. Well, I made it to work by 8:20 which was my usual time! I was sitting at my desk, doing the usual email check plus eating my p-butter sandwich breakfast. Another teacher came in wanting to convince me to take all my kids on the bowling field trip. My assistants and I had decided it would just be a nightmare and not all that educationally relevant. She told me to suck it up and take the kids bowling. They'd have fun!!!!

Well, for some reason, I felt tears rising. They receded and as I turned back to my computer to continue checking email, somehow, I just couldn't hold back the tears. I knew I was on the verge of a BIG CRY and wouldn't last through the day, so tearfully I picked up my handbag and water bottle (forgot my lunchpail!) and just said, "Sorry, I'm not going to make it today" and amidst a few looks of astonishment and concern, walked out the door. Gulp. That left the morning class with no head teacher and probably not a sub. I immediately called the substitute secretary, so she could try to find one. Then I drove home.

I changed into those comfort clothes--you know, the ones that are 'just right fuzzy', cover the body like a comfy blanket, but aren't worn out of the house, and let myself cry while I paced the apt. Lilo just looked at me strangely, as though to say, "what are doing home already?" And "You're acting weird! But okay, I want to go outside for awhile. Meow" After my cry, I sat down and finished my novel (at least it had a happy ending), puttered around the house picking up papers, etc., then decided at 1:00 p.m. that I was hungry for lunch. I finished the absolutely yummy soup Queenie had shared (Her vegie soup) and then decided it was time for an advil for the sinus headache and a nap. Two hours later I awoke with beautiful sunshine streaming upon me and Lilo at my side. I felt better so I vacuumed and mopped. Since school was over, both my assistants called to check on me, plus one SLP colleague. It must have been quite a story that traveled around the school. Sheesh. I just wish I'd broken down BEFore I went to school. Much cooler. Now they'll just think I'm decrepid and crazy. Oh well. Such is life.

I went for a walk about an hour before sundown, walking the shoreline and picking up some more seashells for a zany decorating idea I have for my new (unknown) place in WW. (Yes, I'll pack the seashells with me! My daughter knows I already have collections of rocks and pine cones that I treasure. She is always trying to talk me out of packing them around, but they remind me of the beautiful places I found them. She can get rid of them when I die.)

Now, I feel much better and have been reflecting on what's happening with me. First of all, yes, yes, yes. I will get my meds checked. Secondly, there are such a lot of changes going on in my life and those whose lives touch mine, that it is difficult to keep up with all of it and the emotions that have to morph with the changes. I also realized that perhaps I had given up, since I'll soon be leaving, and really had become a 'lame duck' teacher, just making it through each day, following the routine and not keeping 'on top of my game.' I really am tired of fighting my assistants, the school district and the kids when I try to do anything I think might be helpful or add to their educational experience. My assistant and I have been on such rocky terms lately, that I've just gone rather consciously milk-toasty. The other teacher asking me to 'suck it up' was a wake up call, I think. 'Never give up' is the old saying. Well, I was on my way. Now, I think I'm back on track.

Remember I blogged about traveling from one school district to another for the next few years before retirement to 'see the USA'? Well, forget that. I don't have the stamina for all those changes. It just makes me that much more aware, though, of how difficult it must be for military families to uproot and graph themselves some other place so often. And with those thoughts in mind, how difficult it is for those I worked with this year to see so many changes happening.

The school district has closed one elementary school and is in the process of laying off employees. Several really good employees have been laid off simply because they had low seniority. You know that old story. It is such a stupid way of managing staff. So everyone is tentative about their jobs for next year, as people will be shifted around. Then many of the preschool staff are changing again. The new people who came this year are all leaving. You'd think the administration would catch on that they need to support their staff. I'm hearing more and more about the 'revolving door.' It's nuts. In those ways, I'm glad to be leaving here.

Oh, and for 2 days I've been getting updates on the son of one of the dear secretaries (and friend) at my old job in River City. Remember the 6 Strykers killed in Iraq last week? Well, it was her son's bunch and he was the sole surivivor. He got a gunshot wound to the neck, and is paralyzed from the neck down. We're hearing that it was snipers, as they shot the guys in the one body area their armor did not cover. He's a West Point grad; was so concerned for his unit that he told his superiors he didn't want his desk job here in the states. He needed to go back to Iraq to be with his men. His wife, mom and dad and family are devastated and on their way to Germany as I write. Believe it or not, there is a former employee from my old job in River City who works close to the Hospital in Germany and will meet the family when they arrive. What a wonderful support she will be. Pray for them and for all our families torn apart by this totally outrageous war.

I think the crying is over. I'm ready to let go. All except for Mouse and family. Oh, oh. Tears.

Somebody Help Me Out

I had to call the HR office today to ask how to put in for a day off work...unpaid. You can't just do it like any other day by putting in for a sub online and turning in a request form. I'd think that they'd be yahooing about anyone wanting to take off UNPAID! No, one has to send the request form with an explanation to the HR head and then wait for them to approve or disapprove. When I asked the admin assist what would happen if my request was not approved, she stated I'd get a formal reprimand in my file. So instead of being honest, I want to just call in sick. That's a lie, right, but no reprimand.

So, okay, the reason I'm going to miss work is that the new School district that hired me for next year invited me to a planning meeting for next year. Talk about proactive! How can I pass that up? I'm not going to, reprimand or no reprimand. Lie or no lie.

I'm also going to be sick for a couple days this month. So seriously, I hope they don't drive by my place and see my car is gone.

Somebody help me and PRAY....I need real conversion. "I can't handle the truth!"

SOOOooooo Burned Out

All I can think of is how many days of school I have left. Part of it is that continual make-it-to-the-last-day feeling.. Another part is that since I had to reprimand one of my assistants a few weeks ago, she's basically given up being friendly. She works okay, we pass along relevant information, but its kind of like a dead marriage, just waiting for the separation. My other assistant is okay, but is more quiet, too. I'm leaving, they know it, we're tired at the end of the year wrestling with the kids, some of their colleagues have now been laid off due to school budget cuts. It is all a grieving process...whether happy grief (my leaving) or sad grief (their colleagues being laid off).

I'm irritated that I have neighbors again. Downstairs. I can't figure out who the apt. is rented to, as there are about six people who come and go. And the stupid navy guy who goes out at 6:30 a.m. and lets his car idle for 20 minutes before he drives away. Okay, maybe an airplane needs that warm up, but not a new PT cruiser! For Pete's Sake!! The one guy who drops off the two strapping 'football player' sized teen boys who bounce their basketball against the walls and have no volume control over their voices. There's the guy who stands right outside their door and talks on his cell. Of course the sound travels directly into my apt. There is no insulation in this dump. The women who yell out to each other in the parking lot. I've seen three or four different vehicles come and go from there.

This morning even the humming sound of my stupid computer is driving me nuts. Can you say OVERLOAD?!

And frankly, if it weren't for the beautiful spring weather and Mouse and family, I'd be counting minutes instead of days to get out of here. Well, really just for school to be OVER. I do plan to do a little site-seeing with a couple River City friends who will come take advantage of my guest room in June and July.

We have a parent night on Monday. The other two preschool teachers and I put it together. We expected about 6 parents to come, right? I mean these things are rarely well attended, but we thought we'd give it a try. Well, this is the Rare time. we have 33 adults and 40 children attending! Yikes! We have plenty of space, but the child care-givers are going to be fried at the end of the evening. Our classrooms, where we will do the child care, are going need major overhaul for Tuesday classes. We had planned to offer pizza. I had to order 14 medium pizzas cut into 10 pieces each rather than 8. Cheapest kinds...from Dominoes. Not the best pizza, but even that cost us $78! Then the cups, plates, drinks, etc. Of course, the school district doesn't pay for it. This is such a narrow-thinking school district. I can't wait to be done with it.

I heard from the new district where I'll be next year. (I'll probably be complaining about them at the end of next year, too, as I'll be tired then!) But it is starting out good, anyway. They have invited me to a planning meeting for next year's classes and have offered to pay my day's salary, travel and even a night's lodging if I need it! I was flabbergasted! Of course, I'm taking advantage of it, but won't need the motel (I don't think) as I'll stay with my daughter (If her house isn't too torn up from the remodeling efforts.)

On a cheerier note, the lilacs are in full bloom here and it soothes my eyes and heart. The B's and I are going to do some vegan cooking this weekend. My mentor teacher colleague found out she's expecting! I'll miss seeing that development!
Now for an early morning walk to the beach.