Stress City

Okay, I've turned in my work computer and last of the paperwork at my old workplace, got those cavities fixed, got a last minute mammogram, bit the bullet and had a guy come out to fix my IMAC, and extended my cable internet for a day or two. CB2 is here and bored, but I've tried to keep her busy. I left her home packing while I went running around trying to finish errands. Sorry, CB2. . Remember all the stuff that didn't sell at last sumer's garage sale? Well I just put it out in the driveway and said "FREE STUFF!" (Good, but dusty) TAKE IT AWAY! And LOTS of it disappeared! Even the computer desk which a young couple seemed entirely thrilled with. Whew! The Vets of 'Nam are taking the rest of it today. Last night a friend came over to help pack and she gave me a hard time about all the dishes and kitchen stuff I have. That I should leave a bunch of it, as I don't know if I'm staying up north and I probably won't use it and there really isn't room for it. Ah, all true, but it's the emotional attachment, you see. Oh, yeah, I already wrote how I'm too attached to my 57 years of collected 'things'. Well, the stress has gotten to me. I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't sleep any more. So here I am after reading and praying and crying for an hour or so. After realizing the date, 8/22/2006, I realized that today would have been my 35th wedding anniversary.....>Big sigh, choke.< Hadn't thought of the date for years. Must be all the other stress surrounding me. Or the fact that I'm leaving the city I've lived in for 34 years!

CB2 is still sleeping. Today will be a long day, as I'm going to try to get most everything packed. As we've packed stuff, we've been putting the boxes in the garage. I shut the door and drove my car right up to the door of it so it can't be opened without moving my car....the only lock on the garage I have.

I'm off to Curves now, probably for the last time here in the city for awhile. I'm achey and need to keep up my strength.

My next post may be from the middle of the moving IN mess, rather than from the moving OUT mess!

Rolling Up Hill or Coasting Down?

Well, another blog entered. Yesterday I gave up the fight to buy the manufactured home in the park. It would have been too expensive monthly with not a lot of assurance that it would appreciate enough. So, I faxed in my app to get the apartment and asked them, Please, Please, could they fix up the bathroom a little more? Otherwise, I think I'll be fine. I will have to leave some of my 'stuff' with my neighbor friend, but, at least I'm back on track as seeing this move as an 'Adventure' and not having to make any permanent decisions. This time next year, I may be in the maze of moving again, but we'll let it be, for now. I just know that after I made that decision the stress rolled back to a tolerable level and last night I slept well for the first time in a week! I have a place to live, my car is fixed, other trivia under wraps.

I actually worked on finishing my office work and got some of it done until my printer decided to make these awful noises and quit working. I had changed the ink cartridges, so I think it must have something to do with that. I think the cartridges are in okay, I probably just pushed the buttons too much or in the wrong sequence, so it 'messed with its mind.' I turned it off to 'rest' for the night; so I'm hoping it will work better today and I can finish that part of my life.

Then it will be focus, focus, hocus pocus on packing.

Lilo has been duly vaccinated and checked out, with her med history in my hand and words of advice from the vet....she weighs in at 13.4 lbs and the vet said not to leave a lot of food in her dish anymore, as she is getting to the overweight stage...well, that makes two of us!

Today I am taking time out for a massage, Monday I go to the dentist to get my two cavities filled, and sometime in here I really, really need to get my hair cut. Its the little things, you know?

I'm on the move again, slowly up the hill...."I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......"

Riding the Roller Coaster

Okay, I'm tired enough that I'm numb one minute, overwhelmed the next, crying the next, and then joyful the next. Mostly, I'm tired. The ups and downs are very wearing on my psyche. Yesterday I had hopes of getting a loan that paid 97% with a grant for the other 3%. That dashed, as it is not for manufactured homes IN A PARK. Then I called one mortgage broker who said it wasn't worth going through the loan process if I couldn't come up with the 10% down payment. Then manufactured home loan is really high interest: 8-10%. Gulp. Another broker was more encouraging, but said that I'd qualify better for a 'stick built' home. 'Stick built'? New term for me. I think of houses as more stable that 'stick' built. :o) Loans for these homes sometimes offer 100% financing with no down payment. >Big sigh.< So this a.m. I'm filling out more paperwork in hopes that I can still get my chosen little corner of a piece of the American Dream--just to say I did the leg work and it didn't work out. I'll probably be getting that apartment.

I think it would be less stressful to just move up into the apartment that I'd found and thought would still be available. The problem with it is the slum front, no storage, the bathroom (I hate scuzzy bathrooms!) and no covered parking. I'd have to leave a bunch of my stuff here. C said she'd store it in her basement, but I hate to do that again. She was very nice to do it a long time ago, but having to do it again? Sheesh. I feel like I'm going backward instead of forward. The apartment would save me $ in the long run and I do have to think about the fact that this job is secure for only this year; then I'll have to move again most likely. I pray and hope the salary they quoted me is for real when it comes time to sign the job contract. But again, thinking about having an apartment that is just "there" and I don't have much to deal with is stress reducing at the moment. And if I do qualify for a stick built home (the term still makes me shake my head) I could look around for a year and maybe have a better little piece of the American Dream. American Dream! Ha! Why is it called that? It's a dream all right. A downright nightmare!

Okay, okay. I'm way too attached to my 'Things'. After all, it's taken me many years to collect all my junk, and I've scrimped and saved and shopped bargains. 99% of what I have is just junk to anyone else, anyway. Even my furniture, though I LIKE IT is from the Salvation Army store! I suppose my kids will be very frustrated at what junk their mother collected when they have to dispose of it at my demise sometime in the future. I can see them asking, "Why was THIS so important to keep? Oh, boy, we should have been helping her get rid of this stuff y-e-a-r-s ago. Mom was crazier than we thought. At least she didn't keep stacks of magazines/newspapers!" (at least I don't right now! Who has time to read them, anyhow?).

Oh, the broken-down car, you ask? Had it towed to the fix-it shop where they replaced the thermostat and the radiator. Hoses seemed to be in good condition. Did the 30,000 mile check up and came out with a $1350 bill. I don't want to go to some new mechanic in a new place. Down payment, anyone? Now the clutch squeaks, but the mechanic says its okay........that remains to be seen. If it continues, it could be the 'slave cylinder' gone bad. Expensive? About $150.

I was able to pick up my last paycheck by signing a note (literally on a stenopad) that I'd return the rest of the stuff on Monday (my computer and my badge....like, what are they going to do with that stupid badge? It has my picture on it, for heaven's sake!) Do they think I would say I still worked for them when I didn't? Trust, oh, yeah, trust. Why do they think I'm leaving, really?

Okay, my internet is being discontinued on the 20th, so this may be my last post for awhile. Perhaps when I do post again, the stress will have turned to actually performing my new job and this moving bit will be finished. How did my kids do this and stay sane? Oh, yeah, they have helpful, loving spouses and are much younger and stronger.

Anxiety, Miracles and Blessings

Wow! The last three days have been full. Here's an account. My friend C and I traveled to my new home (NH)Sunday and ended up in 15 mph/stop and go traffic for over 120 m. We did arrive safely at our motel however, just before the office closed. (We stayed in a small, family owned, cheap lake resort right off the highway.) It was clean and comfortable and met our needs nicely. Blessings!

On Monday we met a realtor, looked at mobile homes, apartments and just tried to find our way around to see where more rentals were. We ate lunch at Dave's Bistro, but Dave wasn't there. Did you know he often buys his pies at Safeway? Outrageous! We only had sandwiches, which were fine. We needed the quiet of the place as I felt I needed to re-center and figure out all that had gone on that morning. We spent an hour or so looking around the main drag's antique mall and met Queenie and family...babe, mom and sis. It was so great! Made me feel like I was 'home'! Baby looks so sweet and is plumping up nicely! :o) Then we looked at more rentals and and 'emergency' places to stay for a month or so if the financing/closing took longer and finally made our way back to the motel. I was frustrated, anxiety ridden and discouraged. I had intended to have an apartment reserved by the end of the day. C encouraged me. We stopped for ice cream. By the end of the day I had put an offer on a really cute manufactured home in a 55-and-older park. The place is immaculate and just right. Having my own little piece of the 'American Dream'? A blessing waiting to happen? It will be a Miracle if all the paperwork goes through in time!

I can't remember if we ate supper! I know that by this time I was having a hard time breathing And eating! My stomach was tied in knots!

We went for a walk along Thompson's trail and got some good, clean fresh air and exercise to let our minds clear out all the cobwebs. The sunset was beautiful. On our walk we saw several great blue herons perched on pilings, a family of five otters frolicking in the water and on the rocks and two harbor seals watching the fishermen nearby. We met a family who had lived there six years and were from Texas (they still had the Texan drawl). He was an engineer working with Tesoro or Shell, and they told us all about the refineries and the herons' rookery near the refineries there. They were so nice and friendly! It felt like another blessing waiting to happen in making good friends. Everyone we met was so friendly!

We returned to our motel and tried to sleep. I was very anxious trying to make sure I got everything done. I slept better (but not that good), but C was up nearly all night with her own anxiety attack. We missed our kitty companions who add levity to our lives.

Tuesday, we packed up, so we could leave after my business was done and we'd had another chance to see a little scenery. I called the local church numbers to see if they might know of temporary housing, but I don't think the numbers in the phone book were valid. I called a couple more rental places. Then, I left paperwork at the new ESD (still need a few pieces), left more paperwork at the school district (forgot to bring my SS card, but can bring it in later), went over the school to introduce myself and got the key to my classroom!!!! (but left it there to have copies made for my assistants,), I met the secretary of the school....an important ally to have...and a sub-assistant/volunteer who said she might have some time to help me set up the classroom....I'm going to need it!!!

We looked at several more apartments, picked up some Sudafed for C, (and a couple of candy bars for later...which I still haven't eaten) and attempted to get a PO Box. Did you know that you need a permanent address to get a po box? Finally, they allowed me to give them a copy of my school district employment acceptance letter. Now I have a po box address! Will send address in email. It was a blessing I brought the needed letter with me! I found an apartment that would serve as a backup if the manufactured home deal fell through. So now I have emergency housing for 1 month, a possible lease for 6 months, and an offer on my own home-to-be! Panic!

Do I have the needed funds in my hand?!?!?!?! NO!!!!!!!! I got a call from our human resources person saying they have my last check, but won't release it to me until I turn in my keys, etc. I still have some work to finish, so I've got to HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!

Then we ate lunch at Erawan. Yum! I finally got a call that the offer on the manufactured home had been accepted, so I signed on. Now to get financing! I am so glad that C was with me as she is very savvy financially, having bought a house of her own and invests wisely.

We wound our way over to the Strait of Juan de Fuca and found several 'pretty rocks' to bring back with us, talking all the while about how to make a 'rock unit' for our kids in school this fall. More fresh sea air, some exercise and sun and we were ready to get a cold drink and head home. By this time is was 4:30 and we figured by the time we got to the big city, most of the heavy traffic would be gone. Thankfully, we were right and we sped home.

On the way home, Barb called and reminded me that her daughter does mortgages, and she thought she could get me a better deal...a miracle in the making?. All the little pieces seem to be coming together, but time is of the essence because my first day of work is the 28th and I have to have my truck packed and be out of here by the 25th!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CB2 please come help! I need you!

Then I got another call from our realtor saying that the seller has okayed me living in the house if the closing is stalled, renting it/prorating. Blessings in the works.

We managed to wind our way through all the construction and get within about 1 1/2 miles of home when we notice that the heat gauge on the dashboard was sky high. MY little car was giving out! Oh! No! It is 11 p.m. We creeped to C's house, parked. The hood was too hot to open. It made a few popping/cooling noises as we unloaded her stuff into her house, my stuff into her car so she could take me home. We had to laugh crazily. I'm so glad she lives just about 1 mile away. Miracles? Blessings? Yes!!!! A hundred times yes! What if this had happened somewhere along the route, or on the island?

But now, I have no idea how much damage I've done to my little faithful car. It does have 155,000 miles on it, but I've been faithful in keeping it serviced, so this concerns me. I was going to take it in tomorrow for some upkeep, but now....oh, woe!

Today, I have to figure out if I can get financing for the manufactured home, send in the missed school district paperwork, figure out some temporary transportation, call the insurance guy, and find financing to get my car fixed. Do I feel like just sitting down and crying....oh yes, yes, yes. But Blessings? Yes, I did get that credit card limit raised. Was it enough? It will help. Will I have money to move, fix my car, find $ for the down payment? Make the loan, pay the closing costs?
Oh, and don't forget that I don't get my last paycheck till I get all the **&%)$ paperwork done and things turned in!

God's timing is perfect....and a Miracle.

Okay, so I finally got to sleep about midnight and woke up 3 times and then at 5 a.m. am not able to sleep anymore. It is now past 6 and I'm going to Curves and work off a little excess anxiety; then I'll come back and face whatever the day may bring.

Is God overseeing my life? Is he bringing me blessings and miracles? Without a doubt I can say YES! I give HIM the praise for pulling this all together and watching over me in love.

PS. I tried to upload some images, but there's an error somewhere, so see email.

Step 3 or 4, and a faster two-step

I'm heading off to find a place to live. I'm going with a good friend who talks too much. I hope it doesn't distract me. I have lots to do when I get there. 1) turn in my teaching certificate app 2) get a PO box 3) turn in school district papers 4) meet with realtor about one interesting manufactured home for sale 5)meet with mortgage banker 6) look at more places to rent...or to buy? Just not sure. I have to have someplace to lay my head by the 25th....with Kitty in tow.

The internet is so great to have an opportunity to see what's available out there, but I'm hoping that there is something better in my price range, perhaps privately owned, rather than by a property management company. Generally I immensely dislike property man. co's; I've not had good success with them in the past. Right now I live in a wonderful little place, privately owned and the landlords are decent.

I still don't have my office paperwork finished and I'm running out of time. I put in my resignation letter finally to be effective the 28th. I hope I get paid for those days inbetween even though we are on break. Director had been giving me angry looks/silent treatment since I told her I was leaving. Coordinator hugged me to wish me well. Then, 2 weeks later, the director comes all friendly and nice-like to ask me how its going..after I turn in my resignation. Sheesh! I see more and more unhealthiness in that organization. I pray my job up there works out and I can stay more than a year! I really may not want to come back here!

House is a disaster; need daughter's help. H E L P!!!! Rising panic. Keep calm. It will all work out. Trust and Faith. Trust and Faith. Trust and Faith.

Trust and Faith

Well, here's what's happening so far. My VISA limit was raised, so I've got funds available to move. My friend's husband, who drives smaller commercial trucks, has agreed to drive and help me unload, my dad sent me some money to help with the move, though I had to listen to his tirades about how to spend it wisely and how unwise I am about money. I've packed up, but not out, my work station (not really a desk, you'd never believe it if you saw it!) at work. I'm still finishing up those files. I have to finish filling out the OHSD paperwork and send it in. I packed out my bathroom; seemed the easiest place to start. I went to the dentist and have two cavities! which have to be filled before I go. My 'moving kit' arrived so, with what friends gave me for my birthday, I have plenty of boxes. Two more friends are coming tomorrow to help me pack up my preschool paraphernalia, which will be a blessing in itself, as I have about 20 large Rubbermaid boxes of curriculum stuff scattered here and there.

I still have to find a place to live, get my WA teaching certificate so I can get paid!

Things are working out, piece by piece. Trust and faith. Every day I learn a little bit more how to lean on God. He works things out. Oh, to trust Him more!

I've also been packing my 'inspiration bulletin board' and saw these quotes that I thought were apropos to the present:

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead." ...Louisa May Alcott

"Most of us build prisons for ourselves and after we occupy them for awhile, we become accustomed to their walls and accept the false premise that we are incarcerated for life. This is a rejection of the faith placed in you by your creator." ...Og Mandio

"Be strong enough to ask for what you want: be wise enough to have the courage to change." ...Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

Moving to Menopause, the Musical

In the midst of all my craziness of moving, I took time out to go to Menopause, the Musical. I had so much to do, I almost decided not to go. I am SO GLAD I went! What a 'moving' validation of and hilarious look at what all we women go through! It was definitely a celebration of reaching this new chapter of my life and of those of the women around me! It was the most uplifting thing I've been to for quite awhile! Girls, if you have a mom, take her to this. It will be the best gift you can give her, and worth every dollar! A great cure for depression!

As to the other changes going on: My last day of work was last Friday, though I still have some paperwork to finish. But my attitude has changed. I can actually FINISH and not feel that finishing this part only brings on that much more to accomplish. I'll have a clean slate to start my new job.

Moving from a city I've lived in for 34 years is scarey, and sleep often evades me. I'm not sure where the money will come from to physically make the move,
whether or not my WA teaching certificate will come in quickly so I can get paid, how I will financially make it until I DO get paid again (a couple of months!), where I will find a place to live,
how I will get my things to WA
who will drive the truck
who will help me load and unload.
I have lots of possibilities, but no definites yet. I'm thankful, or so thankful, for generous friends who said they are willing to help me. I certainly will take them up on their offers of help, so they'd better have been serious when they offered.

It is an ethereal experience to go through this change so quickly. Sometimes my head literally spins. Then I know its time to get some rest.

My little boids made it to their southern nest and my other pair of little boids are vacationing in CA. We're all going our own directions. >Sigh<

I'm praying God will keep me grounded through this month and help me be calm and clear thinking each moment and when I start my new job. I'd appreciate any of you praying for me, as well. I do keep all of you in my daily prayers and meditations.

Whoa, head is spinning....................................

Step One and a Two and a...Risk

Well, I've let my workmates and bosses know I'm leaving, I've put in for my Leave of Absence, (no guarantee it will be accepted), got fingerprints and mailed them in, am filling out WA Teacher License application, GOT to get it mailed tomorrow!!!!!!! have begun to make lists: notebook divided into 3 parts (1)work, (2)moving (3) Oak Harbor. Whew! I've spread the word to the families I work with, my church family, my friends.I bought a moving kit, am looking at moving trucks, companies, etc.
It is all a bit overwhelming and I feel in a very weird space.

I've lived in Portland for 35 years (I don't really believe I'm old). I've spent my adult-growing-up years here. New hubby and I moved here as newlyweds, bore and raised our children here, got divorced here, sent our children off to college here, helped them fly off on short jaunts to Mexico and Australia to test their wings. Watched them fly off independently and get married. Wept and laughed with them. Then the nest was empty. They flew back to visit and sometimes stayed awhile to regroup, then migrated away again. Now they are on their own migratory paths. I went back to school and graduated with an M.S. There have been family deaths and sadnesses. I've developed new, true, long-lasting friendships(that I'll dearly miss). I got a cat. I've planted flowers and redecorated my little apartment. And yet, my nest is really, really empty. Oh, sure. I work with children, needy children--and their families, but I'm still alone. I can pretty much do what I want. I've never been able to do that in my whole life. Now my time is here. It is awe-full.

I have come to terms with living life on my own. Sure, sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner to share enjoyed activities, travel,and sometimes just to drive so I don't have to! But I don't miss having to cook for someone else, clean for someone else, adapt to another's schedule, and most of all have expectations that are not met. When I want to do something, I can just DO IT! I don't need anyone's permission, I don't have to make arrangements with anyone, etc.

And now, I'm taking the biggest step of all. I'm moving out, leaving, the 35-year-old, city nest and moving to a new one. Wow! It is overpowering, frightening, exciting, and makes me smile inside, cry outside, feel all 'flutter-by' with heart palpitations and indigestion! I look forward to this change so much. I so want it to work well and be long term......I think. We can never know for sure what the future holds, can we? We go with what seems right at the time and deal with it. If we're lucky, or if we intellectually problem-solve, are street-smart enough, have money enough and/or if we believe God (or some other god) leads us, we take risks. I'm really not much of a risk taker. This move is BIG for me. I think God is leading me. I don't trust my own instincts anymore. The doors for this move seem to be wide open. So here I go.......risking all that is currently secure for me.