Timing is Everything

Sometimes I think I've waited my whole life to be 56. Finally, I have enough experience behind me to have some wisdom about life. I have confidence to present information in front of a group. I know what I know. I release the constant thinking about my body type and just let it be (mostly). And yet, just when I think "I've made it," I realize how much I don't know, how my memory skips a beat more and more often. I am, in all respects, growing older and falling away from the young, mainstream of life. Sometimes this frightens me; sometimes I am content to fall away and be satisfied with things more simple, grounded in the earth. I want to share the knowledge and wisdom I've gained through my years, yet it is meaningless to most, as they must gain their own wisdom as they plot and walk their own journeys. I can only pray that God will show me when to remain silent and when I must speak up; timing is everything.

I've even begun to enjoy gardening a bit, despite the allergies. I look forward to the beautiful, simple things of life, buds, blossoms, the birds' spring songs, blue sky, sweet smelling spring rains, violets scenting the sidewalks, my lilac's buds, waiting for the right time to burst into beauty. God's timing, we like to rush it.


I finally enjoy classical music; have begun to abhor the blathering TV. Even most movies sicken me, as they are so violent. I don't want to relive the crisis scenes depicted on the big screen. Movie themes seem so repetitive and dark, hardly worth filtering through my mind.


Although I hang on to sentimental 'things', I have urgency to continue to sort it and to let it go. It will be meaningless to those left behind when I rest in my final peace. I don't even enjoy 'shopping till I drop' anymore. I go get what I need and that's it. There's no thrill in the 'hunt' for a perfect bargain; it is just tiring to gather more 'things.'

Have I lost part of the joy of life, just waiting to be 56? No, I think my moments of extreme joy have turned to gratitude and some contentment with life's ups and downs. I keep journeying, day to day. What is God's timeline for me in his big scheme of things? Am I on it? Timing is Everything.

A Walk in the Park

Finally, today, the cold snap snapped. I think it is actually up to 40 degrees F. As I walked along, the little duck pond at the Mortuary was still frozen over, except for about a 12"-round space, where someone had probably thrown a rock through. The ice looked about 1/2' thick.

Bicyclists were numerous; moms and dads with babies in strollers walked along. The river is finally contained in its banks. In the Marsh, several Great Blue Herons were perched in stretches of running water, numerous ducks and geese were calling and, I believe I saw several buffleheads. It was hard to tell from the top of the bluff, with the water glimmering in the sunlight sparkling on it. Joggers did their thing and some hearty souls even attempted tennis and basketball. There was a teamed frisbee scrimmage on the grassy field. Many were walking dogs: big, small, fluffy, short haired, panting, leashed, unleashed. A few dogs had sweaters on, but many braved the weather with only their birthday suits.

The camelias were blooming more profusely and filling their bushes. Soon a variety of pink and white blossoms will nearly hide the shiny green leaves. The daffodils seemed to have survived the freeze and are still blooming yellow, reflecting the beauty of this sun filled day.

Somehow my heart is not sunny, though, today. I'm filled with uneasiness and sadness. I can't pinpoint it. Earlier I was pretty involved in a book I read. Maybe it touched a chord in my own soul. I do miss my kids and wish I'd gone to see my daughter. Can't change that now. Life is full of decisions and I truly wish I could make the wisest ones that will give me a flourishing life.

Floundering or flourishing. Is it just a Walk in the Park?

Playing with my Heart

Valentine's Day; >Sigh<

Mostly Valentine's Day is, for me, a day to attempt avoiding too many sweets. I was inundated with the stuff all around me today. This school site had "secret pals" (I hate the 'secret pals' thing, but that's for another day) and little sweet gifts kept popping up, appearing all over. The fact that none were for me was both a blessing, more of a blessing, and a curse. But it was all around, chocolate hearts, cookie hearts, frosting hearts, jelly hearts, sugary candy hearts. I'd been hoarding a 25-cent box of the sugary candy hearts in my cupboard for weeks. I love the things. Very addictive. But I've been SAVING them for 'just in case'. I'm on this diet this month, you know. I'm trying to stay low on the preservatives, sugar, salt, processed food. "Just in case" I had these sugary candy hearts. Its a real bummer to be on a diet (no, I'm making a LIFESTYLE change) on Valentine's Day. I really want the Dairy Queen's special Blizzard "Choc cherry love", a yummy chocolate bon bon and a dozen roses, please. (Oh yes, a florist delivered a flower bouquet in the midst of the day at the school site, also...not for this oldie, of course.) >Sigh, again.<

Back to the sugary candy hearts. All day, I kept thinking, okay, if I can just make it home, I can indulge in that little box...it kept me going. I ate my lunch, I ate my apple, I nibbled on the raw almonds, raisins and 1 Tablespoon of chocolate chips (nondiary, vegan ones) I had brought. It satisfied my cravings mostly. Finally I was home. Okay, okay, don't go crazy here.
I looked at the little box of hearts. I really should stay on the diet. Only 10 days till we are weighed again. Okay. I'll make vegan chocolate chip bars. Mmmmmmm. Satisfaction. So, okay, I ate too many. They were good! I suppose they aren't as bad at the other. After all, all pure ingredients, limited sugar (only pure Maple syrup), limited salt, pure grains, vegan choco chips. But too many. I've got to stop eating "too many". Choices are better, but TOO MANY.

Oh, and the sugary, candy hearts? I ate about 1/3 of the box and went 'yuck'! Dropped a little one on the floor,
"No way" it said. Lilo cupped it in her little paw and started batting it all over. Smile, I did. Fun she had, playing with my heart. Pure play, pure love, pure chocolate. Happy Valentine's Day.

Springtime and Change

Spring brings warm sunshine,
Bunnies, lambs, kittens,
Green grass, blue sky, daffodils,
Laughing children,
Change running free.

Change is grief ridden.
Grief and loss over things present and past
Uncertainty of the present and future.

Change is hard
Change is renewal
Change is fresh air
Take a deep breath.

Families change during spring,
Families experience grief and pain.
Painful pasts, uncertainty of the future
Stuck in grief and the painful present.

Spring unleashes a yearning,
Yearning for change.

Fearful,
Uncertain,
Hopeful,
Stressful,
Anxiety ridden,
Expectant.

Will expectations be dashed?
Will promises by fulfilled?
Will change take place?
Will change bring more pain?

Loss
Grief
Hope
Expectancy
Pain
Excruciating work
Sobs
Intensive work
Gasp
Tough work
Grasp
More work
Fewer tears
Further work
Foothold
Springtime
Joy!

Change…

SUNSHINE!

Sun shining
I'm walking

Sun shining
Heather blooming

Sun shining
Squirrels scampering

Sun shining
Water receding

Sun shining
Gardens anticipating

Sun shining
Mudslides drying

Sun shining
Trees budding

Sun shining
Camelias flowering

Sun shining
River shimmering

Sun shining
Ducks mating

Sun shining
Air invigorating

Sun shining
Crocuses peeking

Sun shining
Shorebirds swimming

Sun shining
Dogs dancing

Sun shining
People Smiling.